


The Spaces Between Seconds

by ellebeedarling



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Minor Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, minor female shepard/liara t'soni, shepard twins au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-08-07 10:56:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 42,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16407149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: “Sounds like a noble sort of guy to me,” Kaidan said, feeling a deep sense of admiration for the man even though they’d never met.“He is. Nicest person you’d ever want to meet,” Shepard said with a smile as they stepped through the door into Flux. “And he’s gay… and single.” She winked at Kaidan, then turned her attention to scanning the crowd for John.***John Shepard is a surgeon with a normal, albeit lonely, life and an infamous twin sister.Kaidan Alenko is a soldier who just wants to make a difference.Sparks fly when Jane introduces the two of them, but war waits for nothing - not even love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ages ago I saw a prompt that was something along the lines of, "What would happen if Shepard had a sibling who was just an average Joe?" This is the story that came out of that prompt (though there's nothing average about John Shepard, in my opinion.) I loved the idea of telling the mshenko story in a new way but still set within the framework of the ME universe. 
> 
> This took me waaaayyy longer than I intended to finish (I believe I started it around a year ago,) but I hope you'll find it was worth the wait. <3
> 
> Follows game canon and timeline from ME1 through post-war. A fair amount of angst but with the promise of a happy ending!

__

_Artwork by me!_

 

* * *

 

 

 

_“I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds– but I think of you always in those intervals.”_

_― Salvador Plascencia, The People of Paper_

 

* * *

 

“My god I need a drink!”

 

Kaidan chuckled as he followed the shock of red hair into the crowd. The docks on the Citadel were always teeming with life. Workers in a hurry to complete their job and go home for the day, travelers rushing to catch their transport, and criminals looking for an easy mark all scurried around as the crew of the _Normandy_ made their way toward forty-eight, whole hours of shore leave.

 

If he were being honest with himself, he’d admit that he needed the downtime. As much as he knew this was a mission of galactic importance, he was also fully aware of the crew’s fatigue and restlessness. They were all in dire need of letting off a little steam. For days, Bakari and Crosby had been going on about all the things they planned to do. Kaidan didn’t have the heart to tell them that they couldn’t possibly hope to squeeze all they wanted into forty-eight, measly hours. They’d be disappointed soon enough. There was no need for him to spoil things for them.

 

Jane Shepard tapped away on her omnitool as she walked through the crowd, skillfully navigating the throngs of people and winding corridors despite the fact that it appeared she wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. A smile danced across her face as Kaidan heard the ping of a response to the message she’d just sent.

 

There had been a few, short days where Kaidan had let his admiration for Shepard boil over into something more. That had passed quickly, and the hero worship he’d felt those first weeks aboard the _Normandy_ had settled nicely into mutual respect and friendship. Shepard was unique from other commanders he’d served with in the past, preferring a closer relationship with her subordinates. In turn, Kaidan found that she commanded more respect than any CO he’d had, with the possible exception of Captain Anderson, and the team was a tight-knit, cohesive unit. They rarely argued over anything of consequence, and Kaidan worked well with every one of them in the field.

 

“What’s got you so happy, Commander?” he asked.

 

“John is meeting us at Flux!”

 

“John? Your brother?”

 

“My _twin_ brother,” Shepard reminded him as she picked up her pace toward the bar.

 

“Oh, yeah… I think I remember. The ‘sniveling brat’ who was always your mother’s favorite,” he said with a cheeky grin.

 

“He’s _still_ mother’s favorite,” she said with something like a pout. “But at least I’m still dad’s.”

 

“Well, that’s a relief,” Kaidan said, grin widening when she gave him a gentle shove.

 

“You’ll see. I bet you’re going to _hate_ him.” There was a twinkle in her eyes that belied her tone. From the few brief conversations they’d had about Shepard’s twin, Kaidan knew that Jane adored her brother. Truth be told, he was a little curious about the man.

 

“I hope he has lots of embarrassing stories to share about you.” Kaidan laughed as he heard Shepard’s groan.

 

“He’s been strictly forbidden,” she said with a scowl. “And he knows I could kick his ass if he tries.”

 

Kaidan laughed some more, and as they neared Flux, the reverberation of the dance music buzzed in his head. He hoped the meds he’d taken before leaving the ship would head off a migraine.

 

A few times he’d considered having his biotic implant changed for the safer L3, but his biotics were stronger than any L3 he’d ever met. Except for the Commander, of course. He didn’t relish the idea of having his brain completely scrambled though, and the surgery to replace the implants had yet to be perfected enough to guarantee he wouldn’t be a mindless vegetable when it was over. Migraines were a small price to pay to keep the life he had. “Hey, is your brother a biotic?”

 

“No. He’s a doctor. I think if he’d been a biotic he might have joined the Alliance, too.”

 

“That seems a silly reason not to join. There are plenty of non-biotic soldiers.”

 

“Oh, that’s not the reason he didn’t join,” she muttered, getting distracted and wandering over to a street vendor selling Citadel souvenirs. She grinned as she picked up a coffee mug made to look like a hanar. One of the tentacles curved around the side forming the handle and the rest formed a little stand to hold the mug up off the table. It was bubble-gum pink with the words _This One Lives For Hot Caffeinated Beverages_ in blue. It was hands down the tackiest coffee cup Kaidan had ever seen. Shepard paid for it gleefully, then turned expectant green eyes on Kaidan.

 

“That thing is awful,” he said.

 

“I know, right? John’s going to love it!”

 

He shook his head as they waited for the shopkeeper to wrap the gift. “You brother loves tacky coffee cups?”

 

“Mmhm, has a whole collection of them in his apartment. It’s kind of this game we play. A tradition. Everywhere I go, I get him a hideous coffee cup. Everywhere he goes, he gets me a horrid t-shirt. I guess it’s like our thing.”

 

“That’s actually kind of sweet.”

 

“Pfft… It’s clear you were an only child, Alenko,” she said with a grin, “if you think brothers are sweet.”

 

“Guilty as charged. Not sure my parents could have handled more than one of me.”

 

Shepard barked a laugh. “You don’t strike me as a problem child.”

 

“I was sick a lot as a kid. Side effect of the eezo exposure. Then with brain camp and…. Anyway, I guess they were pretty happy they only ended up with one.”

 

“Ah, I’m sure you are the apple of their eyes even now, Kaidan.”

 

He blushed and cleared his throat. “So you never told me why your brother didn’t join the Alliance.”

 

“He always wanted to be a doctor. From the time I can remember that was his dream. Mom and dad tried to convince him that the Alliance needed doctors too, but he was having none of it. Said he could make a bigger difference in the civilian sector.”

 

“So why do you think he would have joined up if he’d been a biotic.”

 

“Because that’s just the kind of person he is. He’s all about the greater good and all that bullshit. He’s an idealistic sap is what he is, but I can’t help but love the big idiot. He’s one of the top rated human surgeons on the Citadel, but instead of spending his vacations somewhere warm and tropical where he can get drinks with umbrellas hand delivered to him by oiled up cabana boys, he treks off to the unknown regions of space to set up free med clinics for colonists and refugees. I told him about Feros, and he’s already booked passage for two weeks from now to see what he can do to help them recover.”

 

“Sounds like a noble sort of guy to me,” Kaidan said, feeling a deep sense of admiration for the man even though they’d never met.

 

“He is. Nicest person you’d ever want to meet,” Shepard said with a smile as they stepped through the door into Flux. “And he’s gay… and single.” She winked at Kaidan, then turned her attention to scanning the crowd for John.

 

Kaidan glanced around looking for any sign of the rest of the crew, not knowing exactly what to make of the Commander’s last announcement. There was a certain thrill at her words, but he’d never even met the man. It was too soon for things like relationship status to matter. The place was packed with drinkers, dancers, and gamblers. Raucous music pounded through his skull. He decided he’d better get a few drinks in him quickly before his migraine sidelined him and he was relegated to the ship for the duration of shore leave.

 

Before he could make a move toward the bar, Shepard squealed and took off running toward a tall human man in the crowd. Kaidan grinned as the man picked her up and twirled her around. The pair of them exchanged gifts: the coffee mug for John, and a god-awful t-shirt, red with asari-blue sequins spelling out _Azure - It’s Near the Bottom_. Kaidan rolled his eyes as Jane pulled it over her uniform top.

 

Shepard waved him over, grabbing his arm when he was close enough. “Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, this is my twin brother Doctor John Shepard.”

 

“A pleasure,” John said, flashing a smile that made Kaidan’s heart skip.

 

“Likewise.” Kaidan shook the man’s hand, discreetly giving him the once over - tall, dark hair, chiseled face, and the bluest eyes Kaidan had ever seen. John Shepard’s smile made him feel a little weak in the knees, and his body was definitely not that of a doctor, with his broad shoulders and muscles that went on for days. Kaidan’s smile mirrored John’s own as he said, “The Commander has told me a lot about you.”

 

John rolled his eyes. “Oh god. There’s no telling what she said. I guess if you’re actually speaking to me it couldn’t have been that horrible. Or maybe you’re just excessively polite.”

 

“He _is_ Canadian,” Shepard interrupted. “Come on, let’s get a drink. I wanna get wasted tonight.”

 

“Hear, hear!” John said, pumping a fist into the air. “First round’s on me!” He chucked Kaidan playfully on the arm to let him know he was included in the offer, then wrapped an arm around his sister’s shoulders and ushered her toward the bar. “What’ll it be? I figure we need to do a shot first.”

 

“Buttery Nipple,” Shepard shouted.

 

“Ugh… those sticky sweet things make me nauseous, Jane,” John complained. “What about just whiskey?”

 

Jane pouted. John looked less than impressed. “Oh come on, Johnny!”

 

“Fine,” he acquiesced with a sigh. “But just one, or I’ll aim for you when I’m puking my guts up later.”

 

Commander Shepard stuck her tongue out at her brother while John laughed, and Kaidan took in the whole scene with an amused smirk.

 

“Kaidan,” John turned his gaze toward the lieutenant, eyebrows raised in question, “you in on this?”

 

“Personally, I’d prefer the whiskey, but… when in Rome, I guess.”

 

“That’s the spirit, Kaidan,” Jane yelled.

 

With another sigh, John dutifully ordered the shots along with some fruity, neon mixed drink for Shepard and a couple beers for himself and Kaidan. Both men stared dubiously at their shot glasses before locking eyes with each other. John offered him an apologetic shrug, which Kaidan mirrored before the three of them clinked their glasses together and downed them.

 

“Fuck,” John muttered, while Kaidan grimaced and murmured a quiet, “Damn.” In unison, they reached for their beers to wash the saccharine taste out of their mouths.

 

“I’m never doing that again,” John insisted. “I don’t care how damn much you pout.”

 

Jane grinned at her brother. “Alright. Shot of whiskey and then I’m off to shake my ass!”

 

“You are the world’s worst dancer, Jane,” John said with a snigger that morphed into a full-blown laugh when he received a punch on the arm for the comment. They had a shot of whiskey, which suited Kaidan much better than the buttery whatever they’d had the first time, and Shepard marched toward the dance floor, leaving the two men alone.

 

Glancing around, Kaidan spotted Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Wrex. The four of them seemed to be enjoying themselves, and Kaidan turned back to see John’s blue eyes watching him like a hawk. He cleared his throat. “So, a doctor, huh?”

 

“Surgeon, actually,” John said with a grin, then took a sip of his beer. “I wanted to be one since I was a kid, and after a lifetime spent on starships, I decided that anything was better than joining the Alliance.”

 

Kaidan chuckled. “I guess I was just the opposite. Wanted to help people, but with my biotics, I figured the Alliance was probably my best bet. And I wanted to see what was out there in the wide galaxy.”

 

“Biotics, huh? Jane somehow managed to get enough eezo exposure to actually be able to manipulate dark matter. All I do is glow when I’m pissed off.” He grinned as he took another sip of his beer.

 

“Funny how that works,” Kaidan returned the smile.

 

“I could bore you with the technical explanation, but… I don’t like to talk shop on a night off.”

 

Kaidan was already feeling relaxed from the couple shots he’d had, and he found himself more than a little intrigued by _Doctor_ John Shepard. The man was gorgeous, friendly, a humanitarian, and had a great sense of humor to boot. Leaning a little closer, Kaidan dropped his voice, “What do you like to talk about on a night off?”

 

John’s baby blues were bright with amusement. The man opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted when his sister bounded over to them, wedging herself between the two men. Jane was breathless and a few strands of hair were sticking to the sweat on her brow. With a laugh, she downed the fruity, neon drink she’d abandoned in her haste to hit the dance floor, then waved the cup at her brother.

 

Kaidan watched as John frowned and signaled the bartender to replenish all their drinks. The man leaned close to his sister and murmured something in her ear that Kaidan couldn’t hope to hear over the cacophony of the club, but it made Jane laugh even harder. John’s scowl deepened, and the commander led them away from the bar toward the table of their friends, laughing merrily the whole way.

 

John and Kaidan ended up at opposite ends of the table, and the doctor was immediately sucked into conversation with Liara and Tali. Garrus and Wrex were picking Kaidan’s brain about the most efficient heatsinks on the market. A subject which he knew next to nothing about. He kept casting surreptitious glances toward the opposite end of the table, and occasionally he locked eyes with the dashing Dr. Shepard. Always, either his or John’s attention was drawn away as they were pulled back into some discourse or other. He thought John looked bored with the conversation he was having but was too polite to say anything.

 

An hour later, Shepard grinned and leaned over to pat John’s arm. Kaidan caught the man’s exasperated eye roll as the commander stood and pulled Liara and Tali away from the table. He didn’t know what Jane had said, but John seemed relieved when the women made their way toward the dance floor. He swiftly changed seats, taking the chair on the other side of Garrus so that he could join in their conversation.

 

“I’m going to go see if there’s anything to eat around here,” Wrex announced, and Garrus made some excuse as to why he needed to leave as well. Kaidan felt as though there were some sort of conspiracy brewing, but he wasn’t going to complain about being left alone with John. He’d never believed in love at first sight - love required getting to know a person, allowing friendship and trust to develop over time - but he couldn’t deny the spark of attraction he felt for John Shepard. He was certainly someone Kaidan wanted to get to know better.

 

“Kinda weird that everyone had to up and leave all at once,” John said with a grin as he slid into Garrus’ seat. “Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I admit I didn’t know anything at all about quarian pilgrimages before tonight, but now I feel fairly confident that I could write a treatise.”

 

Kaidan laughed and covered his sudden nerves by taking a drink of his beer. “Tali’s a good egg,” he said, then frowned. That sounded really stupid. “I mean… she’s nice.” He coughed. “Do you need another beer?”

 

John checked his bottle and found it nearly empty. “Actually, yes, but I can get it.”

 

“Let me,” Kaidan insisted. “You got the last round.” He headed toward the bar before John could object, and when he returned, he saw that Tali had taken up residence beside the doctor once more. John laughed at something the quarian said, then cast a pleading glance toward Kaidan as he approached.

 

“So my favorite brand of omnitool is the Nexus,” Tali said, waving her opened omnitool interface toward John. “It’s the best on the market for running multiple attack processes simultaneously.”

 

“Uh-huh,” John said, nodding. Kaidan noted the glazed look in the man’s eyes, and couldn’t help chuckling.

 

“John’s not a soldier, Tali,” Kaidan said.

 

“Oh, right,” she said, twisting her fingers nervously. “So… what model do you prefer?’

 

“Mine’s a Savant,” John said, lifting his arm to activate his omnitool. “They’re the top of the line for medical use. The medical scanner and diagnostic suite is indispensable for my work. Of course, mine sees the most usage for common, everyday applications - my music playlist, for example. And I admit, I do play solitaire pretty regularly while I’m on my lunch breaks.” He grinned at the quarian, and Kaidan almost thought he heard a dreamy sigh, even above the din of the bar around them. “What about you, Kaidan?”

 

He sucked in a quick breath when those blue eyes focused on him with an intensity that made him feel like a green recruit. “I prefer the Logic Arrest, myself.” He and Tali engaged in a brief quarrel over which brand was the best for their line of work, and Kaidan was kicking himself over rising to the bait. He wanted to spend this time getting to know John, not talking shop with Tali.

 

To his credit, John was taking in the conversation with an amused grin, casually sipping his beer and throwing in a “She has a point, Kaidan,” or a “I tend to agree with him, Tali,” just to keep the argument going. Eventually both human and quarian were scowling at him as John blinked at them innocently. The three of them burst out laughing at the same time, and the commander came back to whisk the quarian away once more.

 

“Well played, doctor,” Kaidan acknowledged, tipping his beer bottle toward the man.

 

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” John winked and put his drink to his lips. Kaidan licked his in response as he watched the man take a sip paying particular attention to those full, soft lips and the way his adam’s apple bobbed with the act. The way John leaned his head back, elongating his neck, exposed a mole on the smooth skin of his throat, and Kaidan was hit with a sudden urge to taste it. Really, it should be a crime to look that sexy drinking beer.

 

They talked about their respective childhoods. Kaidan was careful not to mention BAaT and Rahna, not wanting to give the man the mistaken impression he was still pining for her. Shepard had expressed her concerns about Kaidan not being over his teenage romance, and afterward, he’d felt completely foolish, realizing how he’d sounded. Better to avoid the topic altogether than to make the same mistake again. He did, however, go on and on about Vancouver, the orchard and the summers he’d spent there, and John expressed an interest in visiting.

 

“I still haven’t spent a ton of time with solid ground beneath my feet,” John told him. “If and when I retire, it’s going to be on a planet. Somewhere I can explore and learn all sorts of new things.”

 

“Is that spirit of adventure a Shepard thing?”

 

John laughed. “I guess. Our parents are both soldiers, so they’re pretty adventurous as well.”

 

John managed to get in an embarrassing story or two about Jane before the crew rejoined them. John didn’t give his seat up, staying close to Kaidan for the rest of the night. Kaidan caught the doctor’s stray gazes and smiles and returned them enthusiastically. He grinned when John leaned forward on the table to hear Liara better and their knees brushed together. He was being an idiot, and he couldn’t care less.

 

Eventually, the doctor announced that he had an early shift the next morning. There was a twinge of disappointment on Kaidan’s part as the man went around the table and shook everyone’s hand, stopping with Kaidan last. The pair of them held each other’s gaze long enough for those around them to begin snickering at the pair of them. John was the first to look away with a sheepish smile.

 

“It was nice to have met you, Kaidan,” he said softly.

 

“Same here, John.”

 

“Come on, Romeo,” Jane interrupted with a laugh, wrapping her arm around John’s. “I’ll walk you home.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day early because tomorrow is [Shenko Smut Thursday](http://spectrekaidanalenko.tumblr.com) and I have something to post for that! 
> 
> I forgot to mention last week that I'll be updating every Thursday (or in this case Wednesday ☺) so you'll know when to expect a new chapter.
> 
> And enjoy this fluff fest because next week we'll be cranking up the angst!! ♥

John tapped his fingers against his desk, then hovered them over his omnitool, stood to pace the room a few times, and sat back down at his desk to start the whole process over again. This was ridiculous. It shouldn’t be so hard to ask someone he’d made a connection with on a date. 

 

There was a connection there, right? It wasn’t all just his imagination? 

 

Groaning, he sprawled out in his chair, head hitting the backrest, arms dangling over the sides. “Fuck… fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ ,” he said to the ceiling. A tap at his door had him sitting up straighter, but when his twin waltzed through a moment later, he flopped back into the chair. 

 

“Oh no,” Jane said with that knowing smirk that was just maddening. 

 

“Fuck. Off.” He told her. “This is hard enough without listening to your  _ encouragement _ .” 

 

“Would you just call him? For fucks sake, John! He was crazy about you!” 

 

He rolled his eyes and sat up, leaning his elbows on his desk as Jane fell into the seat across from him. “I’m pretty sure sisters aren’t supposed to be this involved in their brothers’ love lives.” 

 

“If you  _ had _ a love life, you could say I was meddling, but-”

 

John threw a pen at her, earning a laugh when it bounced harmlessly off her shoulder. “I repeat… fuck. off.” 

 

“You’re being an idiot, Johnny,” she said with a musical lilt to the words.

 

“I know that, Janie,” he replied in the same tone of voice. Sighing, he dropped his head onto the desk. “It’s just…” 

 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and sighed again as Jane sat on the edge of his desk. “Kaidan’s not Jamie,” she said softly. “Not every guy in the galaxy is like that, you know.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

“He’s a good man, John. Loyal and kind, and he has more integrity than anyone I’ve ever known. He’s a cheesy sap… just like you,” she grinned when John scowled at her. “And he’s gorgeous… He’s got good hair....” 

 

John snorted. “His ass is pretty spectacular, too.” 

 

“It is,” Jane agreed with a grin. 

 

He rolled his eyes at his twin. “If you think he’s so great, why aren’t you trying to date him?” 

 

“Because it’s against the law, and… I… met someone,” she said, pulling her lower lip between her teeth when John’s eyebrows shot toward the ceiling.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

 

“It’s fairly recent.”

 

“How recent?” 

 

“Last night,” she said with a nervous laugh. “Liara… the asari on my crew.” 

 

John frowned at her. “Janie, I want you to be happy, but are you sure that’s a good idea? You have to work together. What if something goes wrong?” 

 

Throwing her hands up in frustration, Jane stood to pace. “I know you’re right, but… I really like her, Johnny.” 

 

“Did you sleep with her?” 

 

“No… not yet. We kissed last night though, and we discussed being together.” 

 

John stood to intercept her as she paced back toward his desk. “Just be careful, alright?” 

 

“I will. I promise.” Jane stepped into her brother’s arms, resting her head against his chest. “I miss you.” 

 

“I miss you, too. I’m proud of you, though.” 

 

“It’s overwhelming.” 

 

“You’ll see it through.” His assistant’s voice interrupted them through the intercom, informing him that his first appointment had arrived. “I have to get to work,” he said.

 

“Call Kaidan first,” Jane insisted, wagging a finger at him. 

 

With another eye roll, John agreed that he would. “But I’m not doing it with you here.” Jane’s grin was contagious as she all but skipped out the door. Drawing a steadying breath, John quickly punched in the code to call Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. His heart nearly stopped beating as the man’s smoky voice filtered into the room. “Kaidan? This is John Shepard….” 

 

***

 

John sat at Apollo’s Cafe twisting his napkin between his fingers, heartbeat galloping away like he was on the verge of cardiac arrest. He liked Kaidan. Kaidan was nice. Kaidan was hot, and goddamnit, he was ready to be over his dry spell, put the past behind him, and move on with someone worthy of his trust, of his heart. 

 

His sister had been right, earlier in the day, when she’d reminded him that Kaidan wasn’t his old lover, wasn’t the one who’d broken his heart. There was no reason for him not to give Kaidan a chance. However, his heart was wary, not keen on being broken again. His relationship with Jamie had made it difficult for him to trust, to move forward with his life, and he hated that. Right now, the careless actions of his former lover were costing him his future, sentencing him to a life of loneliness and celibacy because he simply hadn’t been able to move past it. 

 

At a distance, he saw Kaidan approaching and determined to put his morose thoughts out of his mind. Kaidan wasn’t Jamie, and two years was a long time to let pain and rejection rule his life. The smile the lieutenant flashed when their eyes met made shaking the memories fairly easy. 

 

“Hey,” Kaidan said all husky and sensuous without even trying. He slid into the seat adjacent to John’s and flashed another dazzling grin. “Thanks for calling. I’m… I’m really glad we’re doing this.” 

 

“Me, too,” John said with his own shy smile. Apollo’s was just casual enough to be comfortable and just cozy enough to be romantic. John was glad he’d had the idea. They boasted one of the best menus of Earth delicacies on the Citadel. He just hoped Kaidan would like it. Though John suspected the man would say he did even if he didn’t. 

 

“So, how was your day?” 

 

Small talk was a thing that was hard to get used to. John much preferred actual conversation, but that required getting to know someone first, so small talk it was. For now. “Busy,” he said, eyes raking across the menu quickly though he already knew what he’d get. “Five surgeries today, and I’ll spare you the details because it’s not the best dinner table conversation. What about you?” 

 

Kaidan chuckled, a sound that was deep and mirthful at the same time, and it nestled nicely into John’s chest, constricting yet comforting in an odd sort of way. “Yeah, I confess to being a bit squeamish about blood and… stuff, though I do have field medic training. I’m always happy to pass the buck to the real doctors, though. Uh… didn’t do much today. Called my folks back home and had a nice long chat with them, picked up a few things I was running low on, and got a new mod for my pistol. Spent some time at a book shop. There’s a really good one here on the Presidium, near the entrance to Zakera Ward.” 

 

“A Page in Time? That one’s my favorite,” John told him, grinning. “I don’t know how they managed to find so many antique books, but their selection is impressive, and they make the best cappuccino on the Citadel.” 

 

“Yeah, I discovered that as well.” 

 

The waitress interrupted to take their order, but as soon as she was gone, they fell into conversation again, discussing their favorite genres and authors. “I know this is so weird, but I’m really into turian historical fiction. The militaristic culture, devotion to the cause, placing society above one’s own personal goals and desires… It’s so very different from human culture. Humans are typically driven by their emotions, and turians aren’t.” 

 

“I confess I’ve never read any turian fiction,” Kaidan said, grinning at John’s enthusiasm for the subject.

 

“I can loan you a couple of my favorites if you’re interested. Tymon Kairis is hands down my favorite author. I’ve read every one of his books. Even got him to sign my copy of Rise of Galatana.” He stopped talking, feeling suddenly self-conscious about the look that Kaidan was giving him. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly, “I tend to get a little excited.” 

 

“No! I think it’s great,” Kaidan told him, his bright smile drawing John in. “I love seeing the things people are passionate about.” 

 

“Still… twenty minutes into our first date is a little early to let my inner nerd shine through so brightly,” John said. He couldn’t help smiling when Kaidan laughed. 

 

“So, you’re awfully interested in turian culture. Ever dated a turian?” 

 

John felt his cheeks heat up, undoubtedly glowing nice and crimson. He cleared his throat. “ _ Dated _ might be overstating,” he mumbled, taking a sip of his drink and looking around the room. 

 

God, was this going badly? He needed to learn not to talk so much. Glancing back at Kaidan, he was just in time to see the man attempting to cover a smirk with his hand. Was that a bad sign? Was Kaidan just humoring him with his small talk? Oh shit! Did Kaidan think less of him for having slept with a turian? It was more for experimentation than anything else, but all in all had been a rather enjoyable experience. He still preferred human men, though. Should he tell Kaidan that? Fuck! Probably not. 

 

He sort of wished the floor would swallow him up at the moment, and thankfully their food arrived so that he could occupy his mouth with something other than talking. Casual flirting over drinks at the club last night had been ten times easier than this. Weird as it sounded, it was easier for him to relax knowing Janie had been there last night. Having someone familiar close by was reassuring. Here he felt completely out of his element. 

 

John felt a little overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to fill the next hour with chit chat that didn’t cast himself in a negative light. As much as he wanted to be that suave, debonair guy that could easily woo a man like Kaidan Alenko, he just wasn’t. He was nerdy and awkward and shy, and no matter how genuine Kaidan’s smiles seemed, John couldn’t shake the feeling that the man was simply indulging him for the duration of this date. 

 

His appetite faded quickly in the wake of this fresh wave of nervousness, and he was fidgeting in his seat again, avoiding Kaidan’s gaze when he felt a hand over his own. Looking toward his dinner date, he saw the softest expression on Kaidan’s face, a warm smile, eyes that held a fond light, and he melted into it, feeling some of the nerves slip away.

 

“You okay?” Kaidan asked him, and John nodded, clearing the thickness out of his mouth with a sip of his whiskey. The lieutenant’s thumb brushed slow strokes over the back of John’s knuckles. “I’m having a really great time,” Kaidan said, and the tightness and worry in John’s chest began to loosen. “I confess I’m not a great conversationalist, but I’m really enjoying hearing about the things you find interesting. You’re an intriguing man, John Shepard.” 

 

The color rose on John’s cheeks again, and he offered Kaidan a bashful grin. “I don’t know about that,” he said, “but thank you for saying so.” 

 

John’s nerves began to settle after that, between Kaidan’s reassurances and the whiskey, and the fact that the lieutenant began to open up a bit more about his life and interests. It felt like only moments after their food arrived that they both glanced up and realized they were the only two patrons left in the restaurant. John settled their bill quickly - insisting when Kaidan protested; he’d been the one to ask Kaidan out after all - and the two of them strolled slowly in the general direction of John’s apartment. 

 

When they arrived, John was suddenly stricken with the thought that the date was over now, and he didn’t want it to be. He thought about asking Kaidan up, but didn’t know how the man would take it. He didn’t want the lieutenant thinking he was just trying to get him into bed, and goddamnit, why did it all have to be so complicated? 

 

Kaidan stood there watching him, honey-brown eyes gazing at him expectantly. “Want to come up?” he heard himself asking, voice entirely more breathless than he meant for it to be. Kaidan would misunderstand his intentions for sure. “F-for a drink… I mean…”

 

“That sounds really nice,” Kaidan said, “but uh… we’re shipping out pretty early in the morning. I’m on first shift.” 

 

“Yeah,” John said, trying to mask his disappointment. “Yeah, okay.” 

 

“Can… can we do this again? When I get back? I mean… It’ll probably be awhile with the mission and everything, but… god, I had such a good time tonight, and… well, I’d just really like to do this again.” 

 

John’s heart was ready to take flight right out of his chest, but he felt a sweet rush of relief. The night had gone well enough that Kaidan wanted to do it again. It was more than he’d been expecting. When the lieutenant bit his lower lip shyly, then moved forward to brush his lips against John’s, he felt positively euphoric. 

 

Cupping Kaidan’s face in both hands, John pressed into the kiss. Kaidan’s lips were like silk against his own, buttery soft and smooth. When he felt the lieutenant’s tongue against his mouth, he whimpered, welcoming him in. John’s arms went around his shoulders drawing him close, while Kaidan returned the favor around his back. A quiet moan from Kaidan made John’s head swim. The feel of the man in his arms, against his lips, inside his mouth was intoxicating, and he began to think he should try to coax the lieutenant upstairs after all. 

 

It ended abruptly, both of them panting with the need to breathe, but neither of them loosened their hold. John’s fingers skimmed along the back of Kaidan’s neck, around his ear, and down his jaw until they rested on his lips, plump and pink from the kiss they’d just shared. “Damn,” he whispered, and Kaidan chuckled, kissing John’s fingertips. 

 

“I, uh… I should probably get back to the… to the ship,” he stammered out, reluctance evident in his voice, in the stiffness of his shoulders, and he still hadn’t released his hold on John. 

 

Grinning, the doctor murmured a quiet, “Yeah,” before kissing him again, fingers creeping into the man’s hair to hold him steady. The spell the lieutenant seemed to have over him lost none of its potency. John inhaled his scent, crisp and clean and infused with something undeniably masculine, and his body responded to the overwhelming perfection of the entire experience. 

 

“Good evening, Dr. Shepard,” an amused voice called, and he practically leapt away from Kaidan, dizzy with the sudden return of reality. 

 

“Mr. Osaka,” he greeted his neighbor, voice sounding flat and a little annoyed. The elderly man merely grinned as he waved to the pair of them and entered the apartment building. Blowing out a long breath, John ran a hand over his short hair, and chanced a look at Kaidan. The man seemed as put out as he was and more than a little disconcerted. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “My neighbor.” 

 

Kaidan nodded in understanding, and John felt the loss as Kaidan began edging away from him. “It’s alright. I, uh… I really need to be going anyways.” 

 

“Yeah,” he said again, feeling dumb and mute now, aware of the stark contrast from his earlier chattiness. 

 

“But, I meant what I said… about us doing it again. Just… just as soon as we get back.”

 

“I’d really like that,” John said, relaxing into a smile.

 

“Good… so… I’ll call you… when I get back.” 

 

John huffed a laugh. “Okay… sounds good, Kaidan.” 

 

Kaidan contemplated for a moment before rushing forward and kissing John one last time. “I’ll call…” 

 

John wore an immovable smile as he watched Kaidan walking away. 

 

***

 

“You wanted to see me?” 

 

Kaidan stood at attention as he waited to find out why he’d been called to the Commander’s quarters. Shepard fiddled with a stack of datapads on her desk, rummaged through a few drawers, and tapped a command into her omnitool before finally turning to face the lieutenant. Instantly, Kaidan felt on alert. Had he done something wrong?

 

The expression on Jane’s face warned him that a storm was coming, but the next moment, she was grinning like an idiot and laughing at Kaidan’s discomfort. “Well?” 

 

“Well what?” 

 

She rolled her eyes at him. “How did it go with John?” 

 

“Uh…”

 

“If you give me some tired line about how you shouldn’t be talking to me about this sort of thing, I’ll have you court-martialed.” 

 

He sighed, then relaxed his posture. “We had a great time,” he said with a  shrug. “I feel like we really hit it off.” 

 

Jane squealed. “Did you kiss him?” 

 

“Shepard-”

 

She wagged a finger at him, and he blushed. He wasn’t sure why all of a sudden it felt like he was talking to his mom. Come to think of it, his mom had never given him this much grief when he’d started dating. 

 

Clearing his throat, he took up a stance at parade rest. “With all due respect, Commander, there are some things I’d like to keep to myself.” 

 

“Ha!” she cried. “I  _ knew _ you two would be perfect for each other.” 

 

Kaidan blinked at her, mouth hanging open in astonishment. “You… you  _ meant _ for us to go on a date?” 

 

“Hell yes! You’re a great guy; John’s a great guy. You should be two great guys together.” Shepard laughed as he flailed, trying to come up with a response to that. “Don’t worry,” she said, seeing his distress. “I’m not going to be meddling, and I definitely don’t want any details if you sleep with him, that’s just… no. But so long as you make him happy, you have my seal of approval.” 

 

“Okay, well… thanks, Commander, I, uh… I appreciate that… I think.” 

 

Shepard flashed him a sweet smile and dismissed him. Just as Kaidan reached the door, she called to him. “Oh, and Kaidan?”

 

“Yes, ma’am?” 

 

“If you hurt him, I’ll cut off your balls and sell them to a krogan.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get tissues! ♥

_ “Will the Alliance get here in time?”  _

 

_ “Joker’s in the cockpit.” _

 

_ “I’m not leaving either!” _

 

Kaidan jolted awake, cold sweat soaking his body and making him shiver. A fresh wave of grief hit him, and he succumbed to the insistent burn of tears in his eyes. He’d had the nightmare every night for a week now, constantly running through the scenarios in his mind. What could he have done differently to ensure the Commander’s survival? Surely there was  _ something _ he could have done!

 

With a curse, he threw off the covers and began the rote motions of his morning routine. The smell of coffee brewing brought him some small comfort as he snuffled his tears away. But then he thought of the tacky, hanar coffee mug Jane had bought for her twin brother several weeks ago, and the sorrow hit him once more, accompanied by a large helping of shame. He hadn’t called John like he promised that he would. The truth was, he didn’t know what to say to the man. He’d just lost his twin sister. What comfort could Kaidan possibly offer for that? 

 

He thought of John Shepard now, the way his face lit up when he was talking about his love of turian historical novels, his shy, nervous, self-deprecating manner. The way it had felt when they’d kissed, and the hopeful light in the man’s blue eyes when Kaidan said he’d call. He felt like an ass. John was a good man, a caring, compassionate man, and he didn’t deserve to be going through this right now. As hard as this had been on the crew, the last week had to have been hell on John and his parents.

 

Kaidan poured his coffee and carried it to the window of the small apartment he’d been allotted by the Alliance. He was to remain here, undergoing therapy and grief counseling for the next month. While he would have preferred to spend that time in Vancouver with his parents, he couldn’t exactly complain about the time off. As much as he felt the need to keep his mind occupied, it wandered far too frequently for him to fool himself into believing he could do his job right now. On the one hand, there was an overwhelming need to personally see to it that whoever did this paid for it, but on the other, he was so burdened by his grief that he had a hard time even making himself shower every day. 

 

Shepard had been his commander and his friend, but she’d also been a unique and much needed light in the universe. The world already seemed so much darker without her in it, and the pragmatic side of Kaidan wondered how they could possibly finish what she’d started. Jane had been the only one to see the Prothean vision, the only one to remotely understand it and its implications. The Citadel Council and the Alliance as a whole were already dismissing the reapers as the delusions of a brilliant but troubled mind. Kaidan had the distinct impression that the Council were glad to be rid of their first human Spectre. 

 

Though he hadn’t seen the visions that Shepard had, he’d believed her dire warnings about what they promised for the future of the galaxy. It wasn’t going to be pretty, and everyone who could do something about it wouldn’t. It was frustrating and infuriating, and it was a great disservice to the woman who’d made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure the safety of the galaxy. 

 

Below his apartment window, Citadel residents came and went, carrying on the duties of their daily lives as if nothing was wrong. As if the world hadn’t stopped turning. As if tomorrow was just as full of promise as it had always been. None of them had a clue about the devastation that was heading their way, and if the Council and Alliance had their way, they wouldn’t until it was too late. 

 

With a sigh, he drained his mug and headed back to his bedroom. He replaced his sweat-soaked sheets with fresh ones and headed for the shower. Today was bound to be difficult. Shepard’s funeral was in a few hours, and Kaidan was determined to be strong throughout the whole thing. As he shaved and busied himself with getting ready, he felt an incongruous thrill of excitement about seeing Shepard’s brother once again. Immediately, he cursed at himself. The man was in mourning and here Kaidan was acting like a schoolboy with a crush. 

 

He stared at his reflection in the mirror and frowned at the dark circles under his eyes, the haggard face staring back at him. He looked like shit, but he reminded himself with another curse that he was going to pay his respects to his friend, not get another date. Pinning his medals to the jacket of his dress uniform, he checked the mirror once more. This was likely as good as it was going to get today. Maybe when this was all over, he’d come back here and tuck into that bottle of Mount Milgrom Shepard had given him for his birthday. At least he had one thing to look forward to today. 

 

**

 

John smiled politely at each guest who greeted and offered them condolences with red-rimmed eyes. His mother stood between him and his father. Both of the elder Shepard’s, in true military fashion, took in the entire proceedings with stoic impassivity. John himself had trouble reigning in his own emotions. Each person who passed by looked at him with eyes full of pity, rested a hand on his arm, and shook their head sorrowfully. John wanted to remind everyone that this was not what Janie would have wanted. His sister had been spunky, full of life and fire, and always on the lookout for something fun or funny to do. 

 

As much as he wanted it to be about Jane though, John knew that funerals were about the living, helping them to mourn in the best way possible. Though he figured that what would help him deal with his own grief right now was a good old bottle of whiskey. As soon as he could break away from his parents tonight, that was his plan. 

 

Though his parents would continue to put on a brave face in the public eye, he knew that it was all they could do to hold it together. For the last week, they had been staying at his apartment, and what was left of the Shepard family had banded together to drink, cry, and reminisce their sorrow away as they’d recalled their memories of their daughter and sister. It had helped, John knew, and he doubted he’d be able to face this somber spectacle if it hadn’t been for them. They’d both always been a solid rock for him and Janie to cling to no matter what storms life threw their way. 

 

Behind closed doors, they’d all been moody, irritable, and prone to sudden bouts of weeping. Here in front of their and Jane’s friends, family, and colleagues, they were the picture of calm acceptance. Tonight, he would find somewhere to hide away, probably his office, to do his own mourning in private, leaving his parents to their separate grief for awhile.

 

Jane had been like an extension of John himself. His outgoing, more determined half, always willing to take any risk if she’d thought there was even a remote chance of success. Though others often viewed her as reckless, John always envied that enthusiasm that enabled her to jump feet first into any situation and ask questions later. His mind was much more analytical, and he simply couldn’t act without considering all the options first. Janie dove headfirst into whatever grabbed her attention, and typically managed to come out victorious on the other side. That quick thinking and spontaneity had led her to being named the first human Spectre, and according to the reports from Captain Anderson - now Councilor Anderson -  it could very well have led to her death. 

 

With a sigh, he eyed the rest of the line of mourners awaiting their turn to pay their respects. His heart hung in his throat as he spotted Lieutenant Alenko just a few feet away. He mentally cursed the inappropriateness of his excitement, but Kaidan had consumed a disproportionate amount of his thoughts since their meeting at Flux and subsequent date a few weeks ago. John had been so sure that the date was a disaster, but Kaidan had said that he wanted to do it again. It had left John feeling like he was floating on cloud nine for days afterward.

 

Janie had teased him relentlessly about it, but John hadn’t cared. It had been a couple of years since he’d allowed himself to think about dating again. After his last breakup, he’d sworn off men forever. Jane had reminded him - as gently as Jane Shepard had been capable - that he was being an idiot, that his heart would heal in time and he wouldn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone. At the time he’d laughed her off and thrown himself into his work, enjoying the sense of pride and accomplishment he felt about a job well done, a job that actually made a difference in people’s lives. 

 

Kaidan had made him want to put the past behind him and potentially take a step toward being in a relationship again. Now was hardly the time to try to get another date though, so once more, he buried the thoughts deep and prepared to greet the man like the grieving brother that he was. 

 

**

 

Kaidan stayed in his seat in the back row as all the mourners filed slowly out. Shepard’s family had followed the casket out of the chapel, and the tears streaming down Hannah Shepard’s face had broken his heart all over again. Her husband and son had had to physically support her as they walked. The whole scene had been so distressing, that Kaidan couldn’t find the will to move his legs at the moment. 

 

A photo of Jane Shepard in dress blues sat on a table at the front of the chapel, and Kaidan watched it, wishing to hear her laugh just one more time. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there when the door to the chapel opened with a reverent hiss, but Kaidan looked up in time to catch John Shepard’s surprised expression. 

 

“Kaidan,” the man said softly, astonishment in his voice. “What are you still doing here?” 

 

“Wishing, honestly.” 

 

There was a noise, almost like a laugh, from John before he took a seat across the aisle from Kaidan. Both men sat in silence for long minutes, and Kaidan didn’t miss the way John’s hands periodically stole up to swipe at his eyes. 

 

“I should probably get out of your hair,” he finally said, but froze in his seat when John turned his red eyes and tear-stained cheeks toward him. 

 

“You don’t have to go. In fact… I wouldn’t mind if you stayed.” John turned his attention back to the picture of his sister and the candle burning beside her likeness. It struck Kaidan that Jane Shepard was a little like that candle, burning brightly, illuminating everything she touched, offering light and warmth, and just like the candle would be later tonight, extinguished before her time. 

 

“Everybody loved Janie,” John said quietly. “She just had that… spark that drew people to her.”

 

“She was very charismatic,” Kaidan agreed.

 

Both men fell silent before John rose and went to the table to retrieve the photo of his sister and blow out the candle. “It was good to see you again, Kaidan,” he said, stopping by the older man’s chair on his way to the door.

 

“I’m sorry it had to be like this,” Kaidan told him. “I wish…”

 

“Wish what?” John asked when the silence stretched. 

 

With a sigh, Kaidan stood. “I’m planning to go back to my apartment and drink most of a bottle of Mount Milgrom that Shepard gave me,” he admitted. “I don’t suppose you’d want to join me?” 

 

John considered for a few moments before nodding. “Getting drunk sounds like a pretty damn good idea right now.”

 

Kaidan felt a little self-conscious about his tiny apartment as the pair of them stepped inside. Out of the corner of his eye, he noted John quickly taking in the entirety of the small space. As a doctor, Kaidan figured that John probably had a much larger and nicer place than this. Then again, he didn’t seem like the kind of man who cared much about that sort of thing. Shepard had told him that her brother spent a lot of time doing humanitarian work. It was hard to imagine someone like that caring about material things. 

 

“Make yourself at home,” Kaidan said, gesturing toward the drab couch in the living room. 

 

“Thanks,” John breathed, and Kaidan took in the man’s appearance. He looked exhausted, the weight of mourning bowing his shoulders and twisting the features of his face. Despite his gaunt countenance, he was still stunningly handsome. Kaidan chastised himself once more for his out of place thoughts.

 

“I’m going to change real quick.” 

 

“Go ahead,” John muttered, popping open the buttons of his suit jacket. Kaidan caught the motion as the man shucked out of the garment and draped it across the back of a chair. 

 

When he returned, John had rolled his sleeves up to the elbow and opened the top couple buttons on his crisp, white dress shirt. He sat on the end of the couch with his head in his hands, and Kaidan felt a wave of pity and regret. He should have insisted on going to get Joker himself. Then Shepard would still be alive, and Kaidan would never have to be witness to the desperate misery on John’s face right now. 

 

Retrieving the bottle of Mount Milgrom and two glasses from the kitchen, he poured them each a shot. When John didn’t seem to notice his presence, Kaidan nudged his wrist with the glass. The face John made when he glanced up broke Kaidan’s heart yet again. 

 

“Thanks,” John said, finishing the drink in one gulp and setting the empty cup on the table in front of him. Kaidan topped it off again, but John let it sit, choosing to stand and pace the living room instead. “Do you think this gets easier?” he asked, stopping in front of the window. 

 

Kaidan nudged him with the glass again, and John took it gratefully. Both men stared down at the passersby below them, and sipped their drinks. “They say it does,” Kaidan said. “Of course, that could just be the platitudes of well meaning people who’ve never gone through real loss and sorrow before.” 

 

“We had to take classes in how to deal with the loved ones of our patients who’d died. Do you know how many times I’ve spouted off the scripted nonsense we were given in those classes thinking that it would bring those people some sort of peace and comfort? Hearing those same tired lines directed and me and my parents all day made me realize just how asinine they really are.” John sighed and drained his glass again. “It makes me feel like such an asshole. People were suffering, and instead of offering them a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, I gave them empty words.”

 

“I’m sure they didn’t see it that way, John,” Kaidan tried. 

 

“If they felt anything like I do now, they did.” John turned away from the window and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. “Mind if I…?”

 

“Help yourself,” Kaidan told him, watching as the younger man filled his glass and took his seat on the couch again. John stared at his whiskey glass as if it held the secrets of life and happiness, and Kaidan’s heart ached with longing to take the pain away. Finally, he was able to forget his own loss - the death of a friend could hardly compare to that of a twin sister - and focus on John. “I’ve got a shoulder and a pretty good ear,” he heard himself saying, and John cracked the tiniest of smiles as he took another sip of the whiskey. 

 

“I appreciate it, Kaidan,” John said sincerely, picking up the framed photo of his sister that he’d placed on the coffee table. “She was such a pain in the ass sometimes,” he said with a grin. “Always doing some crazy shit to get us both in trouble, but she always insisted on taking the brunt of the punishment. Sometimes she even lied about stuff I’d done so that I wouldn’t get in trouble. The one time I tried to be honest about it and keep her from being punished for my mistakes, she was mad at me for a week and refused to speak to me.” He brushed a loving finger down Shepard’s cheek in the photo then set it carefully back down on the table. “She was so goddamned protective of me - as if I was some delicate flower.” He shook his head with a rueful chuckle. “Tell me about her,” John said. “...I mean your impression of her.” 

 

Blue eyes pleaded with him, and Kaidan couldn’t tell him no. “She was the best CO I ever had,” he said without hesitation. “She inspired all of us to do our best - to  _ be _ our best. Every last one of us would have followed her into the very fires of hell.”  He finished off his glass as John stared into his. “It should have been me.” 

 

“Don’t say that,” John snapped. “Don’t diminish what she did.” His lower lip was trembling, and Kaidan could see the tears glistening in the man’s eyes. 

 

“I’m so-”

 

“Janie would never have let that happen anyway,” John interrupted, his voice softer this time. “She…” Kaidan’s heart began to twist as tears fell from the younger man’s eyes, rolling down his handsome face. “She hated to see anyone suffer. She…” 

 

Kaidan slid closer to him as he wept for his sister. Thinking back on what John had said earlier, rather than offer meaningless platitudes, he wrapped an arm around the man’s shoulder and let him cry. John clung to him, bunching Kaidan’s soft t-shirt in his fists. They sat that way for some time, the smell of whiskey and the bitterness of grief hanging heavy around them like a shroud, and eventually, Kaidan relaxed back onto the sofa, bringing John with him. He held onto the man, John’s head resting on his shoulder while they both talked themselves hoarse, remembering the woman they’d each cared for in different ways. 

 

Kaidan felt John’s body relaxing into his after they’d lapsed into silence for awhile and wondered if he’d fallen asleep. He attempted to shift away from the man, prepared to let him sleep on his couch tonight. Before he could move, John sat up suddenly, all but jumping to his feet. “I should go,” he announced awkwardly, and all Kaidan had the presence of mind to do was stare at him like a moron. “Thanks for everything,” John said then beat a hasty retreat. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, one more sad, depressing chapter and then things will start to look up again next week. Sorry! ♥

John sat at his desk staring at the stupid, fucking, hanar coffee cup Janie had given him on her last visit to the Citadel. The thing was god-awful, and he wondered how they’d started the dumb tradition of swapping tacky shirts and mugs in the first place. He couldn’t remember a time when they hadn’t done it, but he guessed it happened around the time Jane had joined the Alliance. He sighed and swiped the unwanted tears that threatened to spill from his eyes yet again. 

 

It was too soon to have come back to work, and he’d realized it the moment he’d set foot in the hospital. He’d already cleared his schedule of surgeries for the next two weeks, but he’d thought he could handle going over some charts and other paperwork. He’d been wrong. 

 

The funeral yesterday had left him with a raw ache that couldn’t be soothed. It was truly over. Janie was really dead. John picked up the mug to hurl it against the wall but thought better of it at the last moment. He’d never forgive himself if anything happened to the last thing she ever gave him, horrible as it was. Changing out of his lab coat, he grabbed his sweater and headed out the door, informing his assistant that he’d be back in two weeks when his leave was over. 

 

The weather of the Citadel was always carefully controlled. It “rained” about once per week in order to wash away the dust and grime that inevitably gathered in any city. The keepers were out in force on rain days, scouring every surface to maintain the station’s new shine. It was remarkable, really. 

 

Typically rain days were a nuisance, but today it felt appropriate, like even the station itself knew that Jane was gone and wanted to pay tribute. It was a ridiculous thought, but John kept walking through the downpour, gaze cast toward his shuffling feet. 

 

As if his heartbreak wasn’t enough to deal with, there was also the little matter of making a complete ass of himself at Kaidan’s apartment last night. Not wanting to be alone with his grief, he’d accepted the man’s offer to have a drink at his place. At the time it had seemed harmless. As the night had worn on and John had become more inebriated, he’d found himself craving Kaidan’s presence and touch. Then he’d felt ashamed of himself for even considering his own physical needs in the wake of his sister’s death. 

 

The allure of Kaidan’s warm, strong embrace had been too powerful to ignore, and those arms around him had felt as heavenly as they had before. At some point, he’d dozed in the man’s arms and awoken sometime later with an erection that he was pretty sure Kaidan hadn’t noticed - thankfully. His only option at that point had been to make an awkward and hasty exit and hope he never ever saw Kaidan Alenko again. 

 

He’d always had a genius for getting himself into inappropriate and unfortunate situations like that. It was yet another thing that Janie had teased him relentlessly about. Eventually, he was going to learn how to avoid it.  _ Eventually. _

 

Looking back, he realized he should have just gone home and had a few drinks with his dad before going to bed. It was too soon after his sister’s death to think clearly on matters of the heart. While he suspected that some pretty phenomenal sex would have helped him take his mind off things for a few hours - and that Kaidan was more than capable of providing him with such a distraction - he not only didn’t want to use Kaidan that way, he knew he wasn’t ready to take that step yet. His last relationship had left him wary of most people and their intentions - particularly gorgeous marines. 

 

Which led him back to the part where he should have just gone home last night, ignoring Kaidan Alenko and his sultry voice and honeyed eyes. His parents understood what he was going through better than anyone else could have. They had their own grief to bear, though, different and separate from John’s, and he’d known that they needed some time alone to mourn their child. 

 

A tear trailed down his cheek, blending in with the artificial rain of the Citadel. He wanted to think this would become easier to handle, that the ache would fade in time, becoming less acute as the years wore on. One day he’d make a real life for himself, find someone to love and settle down with, but Jane wouldn’t be there to see it, to share it, to love and spoil potential nieces and nephews. John cursed, body flaring blue in that irritating way it had - harmless yet attention-grabbing. The few people around him on the street scattered, no doubt thinking he was about to attack them. 

 

With a sigh, John headed for the nearest taxi stand. He needed to hide away for awhile, stop embarrassing himself, get a grip on these overwhelming emotions. His apartment was cold and empty, his parents having gone to meet with a lawyer to settle the last of Jane’s affairs. John couldn’t stand to be there when that happened. The finality of the whole thing was too much. 

 

Though it was only ten in the morning, he took down one of the tacky mugs from his collection - green with the picture of a vorcha and a speech bubble saying,  _ Me no like mornings! _ \- and filled it with a generous amount of whiskey. In his room, he stripped out of his wet clothes and pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater Jane had given him for their last Christmas together. It was the one occasion where they tried to get each other nice things. For their birthday, they’d always tried to out-awful each other with something equal parts amusing and disturbing. For their twenty-ninth, John had received two tickets to see hanar mud wrestling. Jane had been given an audio version of a popular elcor poetry book, performed by Francis Kit. 

 

Grabbing a blanket off the bed, he headed for the living room. His apartment was large and spacious, but spartan in its furnishings. The sparsity of possessions had more to do with a lack of interest in shopping and cleaning than with any particular style preference. People told him it worked, though. It wasn’t as ostentatious as some of his colleagues’ homes, but it was comfortable. 

 

Settling on the couch, he pulled the blanket around his shoulders, took a sip of his whiskey, and watched the rain slide down the large picture window. The silence felt like an oppressive weight, and the reality that he’d never been alone in his entire existence began to sink in. Jane had always been there for him, since even before their birth, and now that link had been severed. 

 

He finished his mug of whiskey and reached for the bottle he’d placed within easy reach to refill it. The intercom buzzed, signaling someone at the door, but John ignored it. He needed to be alone. He needed not to have to worry about what he said or did making him look foolish in front of someone, and he honestly just didn’t want to hear any more platitudes. 

 

At the hospital, everyone had stopped him to offer their sympathy though many of them had already done so the day before at the funeral. His assistant wouldn’t even meet his eyes when he’d arrived in his office, and he’d officially felt like a leper. Where the hell had this idea come from that people in mourning needed to be either smothered half to death or summarily ignored? Was there no middle ground? No offering of support?

 

Finishing off the second mug much more quickly than the first, he growled in annoyance when the door buzzed again. Throwing off the blanket he stalked toward the intercom. “What?” he snapped, belatedly realizing that the image on the viewscreen was of Kaidan. “Fuck, Kaidan… I’m sorry. Just… give me a minute.” 

 

“Take your time, John.” 

 

He cut the comm and cursed again. Here it was not even lunchtime, and he was half-drunk already, probably looking like hell. There was nothing really to be done, other than let the man in, though John had no idea what he was even doing there. 

 

He pressed the button to grant access to the elevator, and it was only a few minutes before Kaidan Alenko was standing in his apartment, a cup of coffee in each hand. Jane’s photo, that he’d left at Kaidan’s the night before during his hasty departure, was tucked underneath the lieutenant’s arm. They both glanced at the hideous mug in John’s hand at the same time, and Kaidan cracked a small smile. 

 

“That from Jane?” 

 

John huffed, “How’d you know?” He waved the man in, and Kaidan followed him to the kitchen, setting one of the cups of coffee on the counter and gesturing for John to take it. 

 

“That doesn’t smell like coffee,” Kaidan said, taking a casual sip from his cup.

 

“Are you the whiskey police? Come to make sure I’m not drinking before the proper time?” John was frustrated by the annoyance in his own voice, but he couldn’t figure out why Kaidan was here. He wanted to be left alone. His thoughts on Kaidan were confused at the moment, and his heart just couldn’t take the strain of trying to sort them out. 

 

“I’m sorry, John,” Kaidan said, voice quiet and smooth. “I just wanted to check up on you. After your… rather sudden departure last night, well… I guess I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t done something to upset you further.” 

 

John scowled at the mug in his hand, then reached for the cup of coffee Kaidan had offered. Popping the top off, he dumped the hot coffee into the remainder of his whiskey, earning a chuckle and an eye roll from Kaidan. John took a cautious sip and set the mug down as he contemplated how to explain his odd behavior. 

 

“You’re a nice guy, Kaidan,” he said at last. “And I appreciate what you did for me last night. I… I did need a shoulder to cry on, and honestly, I don’t have very many close friends to lean on. So… that was nice. Thank you.” 

 

“Why do I sense a but in there?” 

 

It took another swallow of his liquid courage to get the next words out. “Honestly, being around you is… uncomfortable… right now.”

 

“Uncomfortable? In what way?” 

 

“Oh, for…” John blew out a frustrated sigh. “You’re not going to let me take the easy way out here, are you? I like you, Kaidan. Geez… I’m… attracted to you, and it’s not… this just isn’t a good time for me. My sister just  _ died _ , and… in truth, the last relationship I had was… It was with a marine, and it was… difficult.” 

 

“Oh,” Kaidan said looking crestfallen, and didn’t that just make John feel even more like shit? Neither man said anything as Kaidan glanced around the apartment with an appreciative eye, and John tried to down as much of his whiskey and coffee as he could without looking at Kaidan or destroying the inside of his mouth. “John,” Kaidan eventually said, and his voice was soothing like the warm milk his grandmother used to give him and Janie when they stayed the night as small children. Instead of being a comfort, it filled John with another wave of remorse, and he felt his agitation ratchet up another notch. 

 

Not waiting for Kaidan to continue, John crossed the room to top off his drink which now contained more whiskey than anything else, then went to the window to stare at the rain some more. Kaidan joined him, the smell of his coffee rich and inviting in contrast to the sickeningly sweet whiskey smell that was starting to turn John’s stomach. 

 

Kaidan cleared his throat. “There’s no reason we can’t be friends, John. I… Your sister was an important person to me, and I… I want to be here for you.” 

 

John sighed and took another gulp of his drink, the booze having cooled the liquid significantly. “I just can’t do that right now, Kaidan. I’m sorry.” 

 

“I understand,” Kaidan said, and he sounded like he meant it. Both of them fell into silent reverie, watching the water slide down the glass in front of them. 

 

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate what you’re trying to do,” John said after a time. “I don’t trust easily, and I… I just… there’s too much on my plate right now to try to figure out if you’re a trustworthy guy or not.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said again, and god it was like the hundredth time since the man had entered John’s apartment this morning. 

 

John knew he was being somewhat of a dick, but he was embarrassed by his behavior the night before and wanted time alone to grieve properly. It was impossible to contemplate friendship or anything else with Kaidan when all John could think about in the man’s presence was how very badly he wanted to jump the guy’s bones. And then there was the guilt those thoughts evoked. It didn’t feel right to be… fucking horny when he’d just said goodbye to his sister yesterday. 

 

Not to mention he didn’t trust anyone for shit. Janie had assured him that Kaidan was a decent, upstanding sort of guy, but well, he’d been burned one too many times before. 

 

“You have my contact info in case you change your mind,” Kaidan said softly. “I mean if you need someone to talk to. No strings attached.” 

 

John kept his eyes firmly on the view below as Kaidan briefly rested a hand on his shoulder. The hand fell away with a sigh, and John was left alone with his thoughts once more. 

 

When he finally turned around, the framed photo of Jane sat on the table. It offered him no comfort.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to miss the posting date yesterday. It was Thanksgiving in America and I spent it with my family. ☺
> 
> Bittersweet chapter here, but things are finally starting to look up for John!

**_**2 Years Later**_ **

 

John’s hands trembled, and he balled his fists to stop it. The room spun as though there was a lack of oxygen, and more than once he was sure he would vomit before he got through this. Crossing to his office window, he rested his forehead against the cool glass and closed his eyes. 

 

How could this be possible? How could the Alliance have been wrong about Jane’s death? How could they have just abandoned her to her fate for the last two years? “Fuck!” he spat. 

 

He poured himself a glass of water and drained it quickly, wishing it was something strong enough to take the edge off his nerves. Whether the woman in the next room was who she claimed to be or not, a good, stiff drink was next on his agenda after this was done.

 

While he waited for her to change into an examination gown, he filled out a datapad with the forms for the tests he planned to run - DNA analysis, brainwave patterns, and biometric scans to compare to Jane’s last physical, to name a few. After knocking, he let himself into the exam room to see the ghost of his sister sitting on the examination table. The gown was carefully tucked around her body, and she sat on her hands, dangling her feet over the edge of the table, eyes focused on the floor. 

 

“I need you to sign these waivers,” he said passing the datapad to her. 

 

With a sigh, the woman took it and did as she was asked. There was a silent plea in her green eyes as she passed it back to him, but John ignored it, concentrating on the task before him instead. 

 

“Lie down,” he instructed. The woman obeyed. 

 

“How have you been, Johnny?” she asked.

 

“Fine,” he said, grinding his teeth together as he ran the medical scanner over her from head to toe. With a frown, he pulled the results of the scan up on a wall monitor. “Christ,” he muttered, taking in the extensive network of alloys and cybernetic implants traversing the woman’s body. “These are impressive,” he allowed. “I’ll certainly give you that. Couldn’t have been cheap.” 

 

“Four billion credits… give or take,” she said with another sigh. 

 

“This protein overlay is still experimental technology,” he mused aloud. “No wonder you still have those scars on your face.” 

 

“Thanks for pointing those out. They don’t make me feel self-conscious or anything.” 

 

“Look,” he said, turning to face her. “I don’t know who the hell you are, but if you want me to believe your story, you’re going to have to indulge my curiosity here. I’m sorry. I’m not willing to take your word for it without seeing it for myself. Jane would have understood that.” 

 

“I do understand, John,” she said. “It’s like some horrible sci-fi vid that we would have watched and made fun of as kids. I’m practically Frankenstein’s fucking monster.” The woman made a disgruntled noise, and John couldn’t help feeling sorry for her. His instincts screamed at him that it was too soon to trust her, though, so he continued. 

 

After tapping a few commands into his terminal, a more powerful and thorough scanner descended from the ceiling. “I don’t plan on doing anything invasive,” he said softly. “Just… I need to know who you are.” 

 

“I know, Johnny. I’m…” she swallowed thickly, “I’m sorry. I know this can’t be easy.” 

 

His eyes closed briefly before he resumed his work, starting the new scan. “This will take a while.” 

 

“I’ve got all day. Though I kinda wish I’d peed before I got up here.” 

 

John let out a startled laugh. “Well, that at least sounds like something Janie would say.” He sat in the chair normally reserved for patients or their family and watched her. Her green eyes stayed locked with his, and despite the faintly glowing orange scars, he wanted so desperately to believe it was her. 

 

“Would it help if I told you things I remember?” 

 

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “I honestly don’t know if anything will help.” 

 

The woman nodded and turned her head to stare at the ceiling as the machine moved slowly over her body. “I forgot to get you a coffee mug,” she said regretfully. “Omega is really the only place I’ve been since... “

 

John stared at his hands clasped between his knees, not ready to give up on his suspicion and doubt, but sensing a shift in his attitude toward her all the same. 

 

“When we were seven, I pushed you off the top shelf of the storage racks in the cargo hold of the Benjamin Davis,” she said. “It knocked out your two front teeth. Mom was so pissed, but you were excited because you hadn’t lost any teeth yet and I’d already lost three. We used to sneak into the captain’s quarters to steal the candy he kept stashed in his desk drawer. It wasn’t until we were teens that we found out he knew about it and put the candy there on purpose just for us. Mindy Curnow had the biggest crush on you when we were in sixth grade, but you liked her older brother Jake. She tried to start rumors about you and called you names in class one day and I broke her nose. You almost murdered Ethan Jasper when he put his hand up my dress at the Officer’s Christmas Ball when we were sixteen. You lost your virginity to Simon Kennedy when you were seventeen and our families went on vacation together to Elysium. You gave me an elcor poetry book for our last birthday. You love cheesy sci-fi action movies. Your favorite food is dill pickles, and you once ate so many you threw up on Admiral Hackett’s shoes. Your guilty pleasure is bubble baths, but you’re too embarrassed to tell anyone but me about it.”

 

The woman stopped talking and turned to look at him. 

 

“Shall I keep going? You’re scared of clowns. Your favorite book is  _ The Hobbit _ , but you tell everyone it’s  _ Moby Dick  _ because you think it sounds more sophisticated. You’re an absolute fanatic over turian historical fiction. You like to drink whiskey in your coffee in the mornings, but are afraid that people will think you’re a drunk if you do. You hate the color yellow, but you love lemon sherbet. You make fun of me for my dancing when in reality, there’s no one in the galaxy worse at it than you. You hate wearing underwear because you think they’re too constricting-”

 

John cut off her torrent of words with a laugh. Tears streamed down his cheeks and his lower lip trembled. “Janie,” he sighed. “How the  _ fuck  _ did this happen?”

 

“I don’t know, Johnny. I just… I don’t know.” 

 

He stood as the machine finished its scan, and helped her sit up, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly against him. “I missed you,” he whispered as he felt her tears soak through his shirt. 

 

“I know. I’m so sorry.” 

 

**

 

John retrieved two mugs from his obnoxious collection and filled them each with a generous shot of whiskey. Grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch, he sat and wrapped it around Jane, passing her one of the mugs then pulling her to rest against him. She shuddered, relaxing against him and letting out a weary sigh. They talked for hours about what had happened since she’d been declared KIA. Finally, Jane sat up and folded her legs under her on the sofa. 

 

“Have you heard from Kaidan Alenko lately?” she asked, staring out the picture window in front of them. John made a dissatisfied noise and she turned her attention to him. 

 

“Not since the day after your memorial,” he said.

 

She frowned at him. “I thought you two would be so perfect for one another,” she said. “It’s why I wanted him to meet you so much that night at Flux.” 

 

John stood and paced toward the window, remembering the morning that he’d stood here with Kaidan. The man had been so kind and patient with him, so understanding. John had been grieving and mistrustful and had pushed him away, not trusting his heart to steer him straight on the matter. John sighed. 

 

He’d liked Kaidan so much. Their one date was still a fond memory in his mind, and more than once over the last two years, he’d thought about calling the man. Kaidan hadn’t forced a relationship on him, friendly or otherwise, and that alone was worthy of John’s respect. Now, with two years of hindsight, he could honestly say that he regretted never giving the marine a chance. It had been such a long time however, he was sure the man had moved on by now. A great catch like Kaidan Alenko wouldn’t stay available long. Yet again, his circuitous thoughts led him to the same conclusion they always had. No matter how much he might like it if things were different, things between him and Kaidan were just never meant to be. 

 

“Tell me what happened, Johnny.” 

 

John did. He talked about their one date and how they’d made a plan to try and see one another again after Saren had been defeated. Jane’s death and the subsequent heartache John felt had slammed that door firmly closed, and he was convinced that the passage of time had sealed it permanently. “Have you seen him?” he asked hesitantly. “I mean, since…”

 

“No,” Jane admitted. “I asked Councilor Anderson about him, but he told me Kaidan’s on a secret assignment. Said he couldn’t tell me about it while I was working for Cerberus.”

 

The sadness in her voice made John forget his own morose thoughts and turn to face her. “What about Liara? Have you seen her?” 

 

Jane shook her head, and John went to her side, wrapping her in strong arms. “The Shepard twins strikeout again, huh?” he asked with a wry smile.

 

Her strangled laugh twisted into a sob, and John felt the wetness of her tears against his shoulder. He cried with her as she told him how she felt trapped by Cerberus’ resources, especially with the Alliance and Council’s unwillingness to help. How she wanted nothing to do with the terrorist organization but knew that her hands were tied. 

 

John sympathized with her. He’d witnessed Cerberus’ handiwork first hand over the years as he’d treated victims of their horrific experiments who’d been rescued by Alliance forces. How the supposed pro-human group could keep getting away with such atrocities was beyond John. In their quest to advance the human race, they’d done more harm than good, and most humans he’d talked to about it agreed. 

 

Cerberus had done even more to damage interspecies relations between the Alliance and the Council, and he knew from watching the news that Anderson’s political clout had dwindled drastically after Jane’s death. Whether that could be attributed to Cerberus’ negative actions or Jane’s claims about the Reapers had been a topic for conjecture and speculation for the last two years. 

 

Whatever Cerberus had done in the past, though, they’d brought Jane back. John couldn’t help feeling grateful for that, despite the organization’s shady reputation. Even as skilled a doctor as he was, John could hardly comprehend the magnitude of the project. The brain trust and resources devoted to it must have been staggering. If the amount of cybernetics present in Jane’s body were anything to go by, he was certain she’d endured terminal trauma. The thought made him hug her just a little tighter. 

 

“Can you stay a few days?” John asked as both their tears slowed. Jane nodded, swiping her eyes with one hand while stifling a yawn with the other. Before the accident, Jane typically crashed at his place when she had a few days off here and there. Though officially it was his guest room, unofficially, it was Jane’s room, and always had been. “Your room’s still set up pretty much like you left it.” The few personal effects that she’d left had been stored away because John couldn’t bear looking at them, neither could he stand the thought of throwing them out. “I can get your things out of storage tomorrow.” 

 

“There’s no need, Johnny,” she said. “It’ll keep until my next visit.” 

 

“Alright. Why don’t you get some sleep?” He watched her until she was out of sight. Relief and anger, frustration and joy all jumbled together in his mind, and John wasn’t sure exactly how he should feel at the moment. Sighing, he turned off the apartment’s lights, then went into his room, closed the door, and wept. 

 

**

 

**_**A Few Weeks Later**_ **

 

_ From: Cmdr. Shepard, J. _

_ To: John Shepard, M.D. _

 

_ Subject: Horizon _

 

_ Johnny, one of the human colonies out in the Traverse, Horizon, has been attacked by the Collectors. The survivors are in dire need of a skilled surgeon to treat the wounded. I know you’re probably busy with work, but if you could spare a couple days, I’m sure it would be a welcome relief for these people. _

 

_ Love,  _ _   
_ _ Janie _

 

_ PS - I left you a surprise.  _

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So close, yet...

John stepped off the shuttle not knowing what to expect but feeling exhilarated all the same. He loved being planetside - the firm ground beneath his feet, the smell of fresh air and flowers, the feel of the breeze against his skin. The challenges of working in less than ideal situations, field medic units rather than sterile hospitals, also thrilled him, and it was moments like this that made him wonder why he’d been so adamant about not joining the Alliance. His skills as a surgeon could be put to good use saving the lives of soldiers fighting to protect and defend innocents. In the end, though, he knew that civilians needed skilled doctors and surgeons too, and John was more than happy to do his part. 

 

Horizon’s spaceport was a flurry of activity. Alliance troop transports came and went, unloading soldiers and supplies alike. Though the colonists had chosen to break away from the Alliance to start their lives as “independent galactic citizens” they’d be fools to turn away offers of Alliance aid in these turbulent times, and they knew it. 

 

John often volunteered his expertise and experience to help those in need, and Horizon was no exception. If these people were in need of aid, he’d give it. His parents had instilled it in him from an early age. The responsibility of the strong was to protect the weak. Besides, he relished the satisfaction that came from helping others, of sacrificing and giving of himself to assist someone less fortunate than he was. It gave him a sense of pride in his work. 

 

Glancing around the transport hub, he spotted the informational VI and approached it, asking for directions to the nearest hospital. A group of soldiers and supplies headed for one of the colony’s main habitations offered him a ride to the field hospital there, so he took it. Once inside the cramped truck, he listened with an amused grin to the awe-filled tales of Commander Shepard having returned from the dead and saved the colony. 

 

“It’s a load of shite,” a seasoned veteran drawled in heavy Scottish brogue. “Folks don’t come back from the dead. Even Commander Shepard.” 

 

“It’s true! She’s alive!” a green recruit defended vehemently.

 

“Bullshit,” another countered. 

 

The marines went back and forth for a few moments on the status of his sister, and John found it comical. “What about you, doc?” the Scottish woman asked. 

 

“Oh, I really couldn’t say one way or another,” John hedged, not wanting to get drawn into their argument. “Though it’s been my experience that most rumors have at least some basis in the truth. Perhaps she was never really dead, to begin with.” 

 

His comment sparked a whole new debate, and by the time they reached the settlement, John was in high spirits. The Scottish woman pointed him in the direction of the field tent, and John walked toward it, shrewd eyes assessing the situation as he went. Believing that his son would one day follow in his steps as an Alliance soldier, John’s father had taught him much about reconnoiter, and he quickly ascertained the state of things. 

 

Civilians not directly injured showed clear signs of shock, possibly coupled with PTSD. John made a mental note to contact one of his colleagues, a well-respected psychologist, and ask him to lend a hand as well. Rows of patients lined the tent walls, laid out on cots, and John could easily pick out which ones were recovering and which still needed to be attended. Scoping out the Major in charge of the operation, he approached the man quickly, eager to get to work.

 

**

 

“Dr. Shepard! Thank you for coming!”

 

Hearing the name, Kaidan’s head snapped up, and he stumbled, nearly dropping the crate of bandages he’d been carrying. Just yesterday, he’d seen a ghost from his past, Commander Jane Shepard - wearing Cerberus colors no less. Now her twin was standing in front of him, looking every bit as incredible as he had the last time he’d seen him. 

 

He listened as John received instruction from Major Castillo. Kaidan knew that there were a few colonists in need of limb amputations. The toxin of the seeker swarms had caused rapid decay of skin tissue in some of the survivors, and it had been the Major’s judgment that the amount of necrosis those victims had sustained necessitated amputation. Medigel was a miracle drug, no question, but even it had its limits.  

 

Before he could dispose of his crate, Major Castillo called to him. “Alenko, this is Doctor John Shepard. He’s going to be helping us out for a few days. Could you please show him around and find him a bunk?” 

 

Kaidan acknowledged the Major’s orders and turned to find John staring at him in wide-eyed wonder. He couldn’t contain his grin. “If you’ll follow me, Doctor,” he said, waving John forward. The tour of the field hospital was brief, and John seemed fidgety and nervous the way he had on their date years ago. It was an endearing quality, Kaidan had to admit. The man looked like an underwear model and was touted as one of the best in the business when it came to performing surgeries, but he was so quiet, shy, and unassuming in his personal life. Instantly, the pull he’d felt toward John Shepard resumed its work on his heart and mind. 

 

“How have you been, Kaidan?” 

 

“Pretty good, actually. You?” 

 

“Pretty good,” John echoed, then followed behind him in silence as they finished up the tour. 

 

“So,” Kaidan began, suddenly feeling nervous himself. “There’s an empty bunk in my quarters… if… you’re interested.” 

 

A bright light instantly filled John’s blue eyes, and he asked with a mischievous grin, “Is this a ploy to get me into bed?” 

 

“Certainly not,” Kaidan said, stifling his own smile. He leaned in closer to the younger man and said softly, “At least not until you let me take you to dinner.” 

 

“Sounds like a date,” John said, the hint of a question hanging at the end of his words. 

 

“Finally,” Kaidan agreed.

 

**

 

It wasn’t the most romantic setting, but John told him it was still a nice thought. Kaidan had found a public garden that the Collectors hadn’t destroyed, and packed a meager feast of cold sandwiches and lukewarm water. It was all that could be acquired on Horizon without putting in considerable effort and trading a few favors, but Kaidan wasn’t keen on waiting for his and John’s schedules to permit them to be in the same place at the same time again. They’d both proven to be a couple of cowards when it came to reaching out to each other. After dropping John’s things in his - for the time being, their - quarters, they’d both stumbled awkwardly around apologizing to one another. 

 

John had been fetched by Major Castillo’s aide before anything more could be said, and the doctor had spent the better part of the afternoon in surgery. Once he’d made it back to their shared quarters for the night, Kaidan had suggested, not subtly at all, that the man needed to eat something and they might as well do that together. 

 

They talked all through the meal, picking right back up where they’d left off two years ago. John was still animated about various book series’ that he enjoyed; Kaidan was still content to listen to him extol. He noticed that John carefully left out all mentions of Jane. Shepard must have told him of Kaidan’s disbelief and anger, but if John was perturbed by it, he didn’t let on. 

 

The meal finished, and the pair of them walked around the colony, neither in a rush for the date to end. It felt so much like it had two years ago, though the circumstances were wildly different. Kaidan couldn’t seem to keep from drifting closer to the man as they walked, and soon, the backs of their hands were brushing with every step. John smiled shyly at him, and Kaidan wanted nothing more than to lace their fingers together, to hold John Shepard and kiss him, to tell him that he was sorry he hadn’t tried harder to make things work between them before. 

 

For the last two months, Kaidan had been stationed on Horizon, trying - and mostly failing - to gain the trust of the colonists and to calibrate the defense cannons. The pre-fab he’d been assigned was small and cozy, with two twin cots stuffed into the abode’s only bedroom. When he and John stepped into it after their dinner and walk, Kaidan tensed, unsure what to do next. The younger man made the decision for him. 

 

“I think I’m going to hit the shower,” he said. “Thanks for dinner.” 

 

**

 

John stepped into the shower and let his head fall against the wall. So that’s what Jane had meant when she said she’d left him a “surprise!” He could strangle her. An actual warning about what he was stepping into would have been nice, but Jane and her whacky sense of humor probably thought he’d be overjoyed. 

 

And he was. 

 

Sort of.

 

He’d made a babbling fool of himself during dinner.  _ Again _ . The sense that Kaidan was simply being nice, tolerating him and his weirdness, had threatened to choke him at one point. He couldn’t help feeling drawn to Kaidan, though. There was something so honest and sincere in the man’s eyes and voice that John wanted to just crawl right into his arms and stay there for at least a year - possibly forever. 

 

John washed slowly in order to give his brain time to catch up with his heart - and his hormones. It had been years since he’d been with anyone. And Kaidan had the looks and the body that sent John’s heart racing for entirely different reasons than embarrassing himself. Focusing his thoughts, he took up a mantra in his mind. _ “Get dressed. Say good night. Go to bed. Get dressed. Say good night. Go to bed.”  _

 

He repeated it as he readied himself for bed, but when he opened the bathroom door and saw Kaidan sitting on the couch in nothing but a pair of soft pajama pants, his brain took off in another direction entirely. As his mind raced in inappropriate directions, he lost sight of the fact that he was standing outside the bathroom door, gaping like a moron. 

 

Kaidan rose and crossed the room, stopping just shy of pressing his chest to John’s. The doctor sucked in a breath and held it, terrified of moving and shattering the illusion that this was real, that Kaidan Alenko was standing there, shirtless and close enough to touch. Their eyes were locked together - honey brown riveted to his own sapphire blue - and the air around them buzzed with excitement and anticipation. Kaidan lifted his hand, and John felt his heart rate quicken yet again. 

 

“I just need to brush my teeth,” Kaidan said, gesturing toward the bathroom door behind him. John nodded, face burning red, and moved out of the way. 

 

_ “Idiot!” _ he muttered to himself after the door closed behind the marine. As quickly as he could manage, he dealt with his dirty laundry and toiletry kit, slipped into bed, and pulled the covers over his head. When Kaidan came in, turned off the light, and whispered, “Good night, John,” he ignored it, pretending to already be asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm an evil, evil tease, I know. Sorry, not sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some forward progress! ☺ Hopefully, this chapter will make up for the last few.

John woke up with a hard-on so enormous it felt like his dick was on fire. He’d been dreaming of Kaidan, and it was so vivid he could practically still taste the man’s tongue in his mouth even now. With a quiet groan, he rolled over to find Kaidan’s bed already empty and pristinely made. The scent of freshly brewed coffee hit his nose about the time Kaidan came through the bedroom door with a cup.

 

Quickly, John sat up, pooling the covers around his waist to hide his erection that seemed to have no interest in going away anytime soon. He pulled his knees to his chest, scooting closer to the wall so that Kaidan could take a seat on the foot of his bed. 

 

“I have to go in early,” Kaidan said. “Major Castillo called a few minutes ago. Another group of survivors was found south of the main colony about an hour ago. Shuttles are inbound with the injured now.” 

 

John completely forgot about coffee or erections or awkwardness as training took over. If newly injured were being brought in, then he needed to go in early as well. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he stood with his back to Kaidan, the last vestiges of his morning wood dwindling away. Still, he didn’t want Kaidan to see it. He’d embarrassed himself enough where the marine was concerned. 

 

“I’ll give you a lift to the hospital, then I’ve got to head out to the site and help with cleanup,” Kaidan told him. “I, uh… I’d like it if we could have dinner again, though.” 

 

Pausing with one leg in his pants, John grinned at the man over his shoulder. “Sounds good.” 

 

**

 

“Let’s see… we have beer, beef… bacon...” Kaidan had called in a few favors to get the ingredients to cook something that would really impress John Shepard. 

 

“Canadian delicacies?” John asked, grinning around the lip of his beer bottle. 

 

“Yeah… the, uh, foods of my people.” 

 

John laughed and Kaidan was spellbound by the twinkle in those blue eyes. “The foods of my people all come in cardboard containers,” John said, still chuckling. 

 

“Well, let me impress you, then,” he said, tossing a handful of chopped garlic into the hot pan. 

 

“I’m already impressed,” John murmured, and Kaidan froze, watching the other man’s face, barely resisting the urge to kiss him. “You’re burning the garlic.” John wrinkled his nose and looked toward the pan. Kaidan cursed and slid it off the heat. 

 

“Well… you’re distracting.” 

 

That irresistible, bashful grin crept back onto John’s face, along with a nice, pink blush. “How so?” 

 

“I wonder,” he muttered, scraping out the pan and attempting to start over. He burned the garlic two more times before giving up on it entirely. The steaks went into the pan, seasoned simply with salt and pepper, as he and John drifted in and out of casual conversation. He pulled the steaks out to rest and added the bacon next, and John seemed transfixed on the movements of his hands, which made Kaidan smirk. 

 

After slicing the steaks and crumbling the bacon, he assembled the sandwiches - almost - just like his mom made. The appreciative moan he received from John made his earlier garlic-burning mishaps nothing but a fond memory - or it would be… in the distant future. Kaidan discovered that he could watch John Shepard’s face for hours and never tire of it. As they ate their sandwiches, washed down with ice cold beer, that wasn’t Canadian lager but was a passable substitute, Kaidan found himself relaxing more and more. 

 

Instead of letting John carry all the conversation, as he had on their previous dinner dates, Kaidan opened up about his life, the things he enjoyed, even touching briefly on his time at Brain Camp. John drank in every word, eyes alight with interest and genuine curiosity, and Kaidan couldn’t help basking in the attention. 

 

Reluctantly, they stood to clear the table, and John insisted on cleaning up since Kaidan had cooked. Kaidan sat across the bar, eyes soaking up the sight of John Shepard in his kitchen - his toned shoulders, trim waist, and especially his firm ass. Kaidan let his gaze wander over the man’s form, all sorts of crazy ideas stirring around inside his brain, and when John finished the last dish and turned to face him, Kaidan sucked in a sharp breath. 

 

With a few purposeful steps, John rounded the corner of the counter and pulled Kaidan off the stool and into his arms. Their lips met before Kaidan could process the shift, and it was over before he could really get into it. “Sorry,” John murmured, that delectable crimson color crawling up his cheeks again. “It’s just… I’ve been wanting to do that since yesterday.” 

 

“Do you hear me complaining?” 

 

John kissed him again, slower this time. Their lips slid together, and Kaidan could feel the curve of John’s smile. Turning their bodies so that the younger man’s back was against the counter, Kaidan pressed forward, using his slightly superior strength and height to keep John pinned. There was no protest on the doctor’s part. If anything, he seemed to come more alive under Kaidan’s attention, fingers gripping and tugging him closer. 

 

They pulled away to gasp for air, and John whispered his name like a plea. Kaidan crumbled at the sound of it on those plump, almost pouty, lips, and he dove back in to taste him again. He felt John’s fingers slip under the hem of his shirt, and paused, drawing away to meet the man’s eyes in silent question. 

 

John’s cheeks were turning red again, and Kaidan cupped his face in his hands, pressing tiny kisses against the flushed skin. “We can stop if you’re uncomfortable,” he said, stepping away to give John the chance to make up his mind. 

 

“Do you want to stop?” John asked, catching his lower lip between his teeth. His lips were puffy and rosy from being kissed, and more than anything in the galaxy, Kaidan wanted to keep on kissing John Shepard. Hell, he  _ never _ wanted to stop! Taking the chance, he shook his head, and John grinned at him again, enthusiastic and boyish, eyes dark but dancing with excitement. 

 

The doctor’s hands - slender, elegant, and supple in comparison to Kaidan’s callused battle-worn ones - slipped around his shoulders. One found purchase in Kaidan’s dark tangle of hair that only looked sleek and manageable because of the static charge of his biotics. The other gripped the base of his neck, holding them steady as their mouths moved against one another. Kaidan wrapped his arms around John’s back, pulling him so close, holding him so tight, it was difficult to breathe. 

 

Tiny gasps and grunts and moans escaped them both, and Kaidan began to guide them away from the kitchen. He stopped, realizing that the bedroom contained only two small cots, and glanced helplessly around the room. John’s lips met the skin of his neck, marred by the day’s worth of stubble. If anything that seemed to arouse the younger man even more, and he rasped out a shaky, “Couch,” as he took control and propelled them both toward the living room. 

 

Their fall onto the sofa was ungraceful at best, a total wreck of flailing limbs at worst, but no one was grading them on technique. The doctor ended up on top. Kaidan couldn’t say he minded, particularly when John scooted down and raked the older man’s shirt up over his nipples. Those devilish lips went to work on his torso, and Kaidan was convinced he’d die of sheer pleasure overload. 

 

He wasn’t one to take sex lightly, but the reality was that from the very first night at Flux, some two years ago, a piece of Kaidan had been attached to John Shepard. He didn’t believe in love at first sight so much as lust, but John had wedged himself firmly into Kaidan’s thoughts over the years. Seeing him again yesterday had only reignited the spark he’d felt back then, and technically this was the third date. 

 

That was the rule, right? 

 

“Yes, fuck,” he cried, partially in answer to his own questions, but more in response to John rubbing his dick through his pants with just enough pressure to make it feel like heaven. The younger man grinned up at him, ridiculous and sexy at the same time, and Kaidan lost the will to worry about whether this was a one-night stand or not. He didn’t think it would be, and the longer John Shepard’s precise fingers stroked him through his fatigues, the less it seemed to matter. 

 

In truth, he’d wanted to do this since they’d gone to Apollo’s the night after meeting at Flux. Hell, if they wanted to get technical, an argument could be made that this was the fourth date, so this was definitely not rushing. Nevermind that there were two whole years between dates two and three. 

 

John’s fingers on his zipper made his worries evaporate like fog in the sunshine, and Kaidan felt warmed from the inside out by the man’s smile and eyes so blue they should be outlawed. And those lips! Damn, how could one pair of lips feel so good? John’s lips made him feel like he’d never been kissed before, and he was drowning in them, drowning in John Shepard and feelings he hadn’t experienced in years. 

 

“I need you naked,” he stammered out at last, and John stood, still with that damnable grin of his, and quickly stripped down to his bare ass. Kaidan was torn between watching and wriggling out of his own pants, which he finally did, flinging them over the back of the couch in his haste to be rid of them. Then John was back, bodies fitted together in all the right ways, and he was so hot, so hard, so perfect that Kaidan was afraid he’d never be the same again. 

 

John ground his hips down, while Kaidan rolled his upwards, and they met in the middle, dicks trapped between them, just enough friction to drive them both mad. He’d never get off like this, but despite the urgency, almost desperation, of their frantic movements, he wasn’t in any rush to see it end. 

 

They left matching bruises on each other’s necks and collarbones, and if John’s purple lips were anything to go by, they’d both need medigel before they went to bed tonight. Sweat pooled between them, lubricating their motions enough let their bodies slide together, silky smooth, and when John finally gave in and wrapped his palm around Kaidan’s cock, it felt like satin stroking him in long, careful movements. He returned the favor, wincing as he remembered the roughness of his own hand. John didn’t seem to mind it though, and he moaned loudly as Kaidan tried to match his rhythm. 

 

John came first, a breathy curse forced through swollen lips, and Kaidan was all too happy to follow him. They lay panting for air for several long minutes before John lifted his weary head off Kaidan’s shoulder and flashed him a dopey grin. Kaidan returned it with a little chuckle, and when he saw the light in those sapphire eyes, he was pretty sure he’d fallen in love. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well... not everything can be perfect.

The chirp of an omnitool caused John to stir, and he groaned as he felt Kaidan shift away from his back. The night before, they’d pulled the mattresses off their cots and into the floor so they could sleep together, and John had to admit that he’d missed waking up in someone’s arms. He’d missed sex too, but it was basking in the affection that he felt for Kaidan that had really made the night seem special. He thought it had been special for the marine, too. 

 

Kaidan muttered a curse as he sat up and excused himself to take the important call. It was probably one of his superiors, and John understood that sort of thing despite having never enlisted in the military himself. Since Kaidan had been called out of bed, John reluctantly left it as well. He was to work the day shift at the hospital, then head back to the Citadel on the last shuttle out that evening. As much as he didn’t want to leave Kaidan, it couldn’t be avoided. He already had surgeries scheduled at the hospital for the next day. 

 

Gathering his things, he headed for the bathroom, freezing at the end of the sofa as Kaidan came back inside, eyes cast to the floor and looking like a man defeated. “What’s wrong?” An insistent and choking fear welled in John’s chest, and he tried to remain calm. Was it Janie? Had something happened to her again? 

 

“Sit down, John.” 

 

“Kaidan, please.” The panic began to take root, and he couldn’t stop the shaking in his hands. “What’s going on? Tell me.” 

 

“I’m being reassigned,” the older man sighed, and John almost laughed in relief. Until he saw Kaidan’s face again. 

 

“Talk to me, K,” he said softly, fingers combing through the smattering of gray at Kaidan’s temples. The man grinned at the use of the nickname. It had sort of slipped out last night during their second round on the bedroom floor. 

 

“It’s on Earth, for at least a year. It’s a promotion and a teaching position. I’d be training spec ops biotics. Anderson won’t let me turn it down. I tried.” 

 

“Why would you turn down a promotion and a less dangerous job?” 

 

“It’s spec ops, John. I’ll be out on maneuvers, out of communication for months at a time. I…” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair as he began to pace.

 

“Oh.” Out of communication meant that whatever was building between them would be put on hold.  _ Again. _ As realization dawned, John’s heart sank followed closely by a spark of anger. Harmless blue light crackled across his skin as it often did when he was angry.  “Did you know? Before last night, did you?”

 

Kaidan was at his side again in a flash. “No, John. I swear to you. That call from Anderson was the first I’d heard of it. Please believe me.” 

 

The marine’s sincerity dumped a bucket of water on his rage, and John’s head drooped. “I do believe you,” he said with a sigh.

 

Cupping his cheeks, Kaidan pulled him closer until their lips met. John savored it, knowing that this change meant having to say goodbye for longer than he’d been hoping. The older man drew back, brown eyes searching blue. “You could apply for a position on Earth,” he suggested, but John could hear the skepticism in his voice. 

 

“It wouldn’t change anything, would it? You’d still be gone for months at a time with little to no contact. How would it be any different? My life, my home, my friends… they’re all on the Citadel.” 

 

“I know,” Kaidan said miserably. “I just… dammit, I want to make this work.” 

 

“Me too,” John told him, pressing their lips gently together once more. “More than anything, but… the timing just isn’t right.” 

 

“Again,” Kaidan sighed. 

 

“Again,” John agreed, resting his forehead against Kaidan’s. “But… I want a very thorough goodbye before you go.” 

 

Kaidan’s smile was a little bit sad, but he nodded, pulling John close. He spent the next hour memorizing every detail of the marine, certain that his heart was broken beyond repair. 

 

**

 

They tried desperately to make the long distance thing work. Messages and vid calls were exchanged with decreasing regularity as the weeks wore on and Kaidan became more busy with his work. John surprised him once by catching a shuttle to Vancouver so he could take him out to dinner. They scarfed their food down and ended up in John’s hotel room going at it like animals until the sun rose bringing reality along with it. Days later, Kaidan had called him to say goodbye, not knowing when he’d be back or if he’d be able to get messages through. The day after, Jane had been arrested and put on trial for treason, and John hadn’t heard from either of them since. 

 

The Alliance was being rather tight-lipped about Jane’s crimes and incarceration, but the news had leaked enough that he and his parents had been able to piece together the gist of what happened. A mass relay in batarian space had been destroyed, killing hundreds of thousands of sapient beings. Their father, Michael, was furious, wondering what could possibly have been going through his daughter’s mind at the time. John and his mother, Hannah, were convinced that Jane wouldn’t do anything of the sort. At least not without a damned good reason. Though it was hard to imagine exactly what that reason could be. 

 

Still, Jane didn’t take her job lightly, and while she could be more than a little unpredictable, she’d never been violent just for the hell of it. She wasn’t cruel, either. Something deeper was going on, but they couldn’t get any answers. Even her parents weren’t allowed to visit Jane. All they could do now was trust that the Alliance knew what it was doing. It seemed unlikely.

 

Before her arrest, Jane had laid everything out for John. The imminent return of the Reapers, a race of sentient machines bent on harvesting the galaxy’s denizens, the Council’s denials of her claims, and the Alliance’s stonewalling of any attempts she made to prepare them. John believed her. Of course he did. His faith in both the Alliance and the Council had been shaken, however. 

 

John was no conspiracy theorist. He was a loyal and patriotic galactic citizen, but he was generally level-headed enough to know that you could never believe just one side of the story. Seeing all of Janie’s evidence lined up before him, however, made him question the combined wisdom of the powers that be. Based on Jane’s information, to deny the threat was little more than willful ignorance. They didn’t want to believe, so they chose not to. 

 

For his part, John took Janie’s warnings seriously and approached his boss, Doctor Michel, about stockpiling medical supplies for the coming crisis. She’d agreed with him, and he was now overseeing that project in his spare time. Which was considerable since he could barely bring himself to be sociable at the moment. 

 

Doctor Michel offered to set him up on a date with her cousin, a defense attorney on the Citadel. John declined. While he and Kaidan had left things somewhat open-ended, he still held out some small hope that a time would come when they could make this crazy relationship work. 

 

When the hospital Christmas party rolled around, John offered to play the role of Santa so that he wouldn’t have to feel so out of place without a date. Cheering up the kids in the pediatric ward made the loneliness of going solo easier to bear. On New Year’s Eve, he declined all party invitations and sat at home drinking whiskey out of one of Jane’s coffee mugs - orange with a bright yellow sun and an elcor declaring _ With Disdain: I Will Rise But I Will Not Shine.  _

 

One of the shopping malls in the district where he lived went all out to hire a pyrotechnic crew that could create the illusion of fireworks above the ward arm in the vacuum of space. Mr. Osaka, his next-door neighbor, dropped by with Osechi Ryori - a box of traditional Japanese foods believed to bring wealth, health, and happiness for the coming year. He explained how his mother had kept the tradition alive despite the fact that human culture now seemed to be an amalgamation of every race in the galaxy, and that each year, he looked for someone new to share the tradition with. John was touched that the man had thought of him.  

 

Mr. Osaka had lived alone since his husband had passed away a few years ago, and John felt a little guilty that he’d never really reached out to the man before. They sat together, watching the light show through the younger man’s picture windows, eating their Osechi Ryori - John ate everything but the candied sardines - and toasting the New Year with whiskey from appalling coffee mugs. It was the first time in months he hadn’t felt completely alone.

 

He began meeting Mr. Osaka for lunch once a week and found that he looked forward to the visits. He reminded John a bit of his and Jane’s paternal grandfather, and he was always startled when their hour was up. The man was full of stories of the time before mass relay travel was a common thing, and John sat in rapt attention, soaking up every word of it. He’d even gone so far as to encourage the older man to write a book of his memories and stories. Mr. Osaka had laughed at him and teased him about the exuberance of youth, but John kept poking and prodding until one day, the man brought him the beginning of a manuscript.

 

Valentine’s Day went largely ignored, though he did send a bouquet of flowers and a gift card for Ryuusei, a new and expensive sushi restaurant in the posh Sunset Strip, to his assistant and her boyfriend. He received a box of chocolates from her in return. There was also a note from his mother telling him that he should make more of an effort to keep in contact. 

 

For his birthday, his friends insisted he go out with them, though he’d much rather sit home alone. Celebrating without Janie wasn’t something he relished doing. Since her death, he’d dreaded his birthday, and now that she was finally back, she was in prison. Kaidan was nowhere to be found, and that left John decidedly alone. 

 

He invited Mr. Osaka to go with him just so he’d have someone to talk to when his friends started pairing off and making out like randy teens in the darkened corners of the bar. His neighbor went and introduced him to a fabulous drink called an umeboshi sour - made with shochu and pickled plums - which was delicious and addictive. John woke up the next morning hanging half off his couch with no clue how he’d ended up there, and only a handful of fuzzy memories from the night before. 

 

He stopped by his mailbox on his way to work, head throbbing from the lingering effects of the shochu. He was surprised to find a small package from Kaidan, and couldn’t help the thrill he felt at seeing the name on the label. He read it several times, running his fingers over the words, like some silly ritual that might conjure the man out of thin air.

 

As soon as he got to work, he locked his office door and opened the box. A hanar plushie laid in the bottom of it along with a handwritten note in unsurprisingly elegant script -  _ Hey, John, I’m sorry I missed your birthday. Hope you don’t mind, but I figured maybe we could start a tradition of our own since you’re such a fan of tacky gifts. Hope this makes you smile. Hope I get to see your smile soon. Kaidan _

 

Tears glinted in his eyes as he lifted the toy from the box, giving it a gentle squeeze. He jumped when it spoke:  _ This one misses you. _ Then he burst out laughing and squeezed it again and again. He spent the rest of the day smiling. 

 

Between work and organizing the influx of medical supplies, he was kept busy, which was a good thing. It meant there was less time for him to feel sorry for himself. Once or twice, he left the Citadel to do some volunteer work in some backwater colony, but even that seemed to have lost its appeal for him. All he could think of was the time he’d spent on Horizon with Kaidan, and it foolishly made him lonely for things he couldn’t have. 

 

Despite the birthday gift he’d received, it had been nearly six months since he’d actually spoken with Kaidan. No one could hide on a secluded planet forever. John tried not to dwell on the implications of that. He began to wonder if he should just give up and move on.

 

He was busy trying to dodge Doctor Michel’s most recent attempts at setting him up with someone when his assistant Valerie crashed into him in her haste to get wherever she was going. “What’s the rush?” he asked, thankful for the reprieve from Chloe’s Dating Service. Maybe he’d give Valerie a raise. 

 

“Have you seen the news this morning?” The woman was breathless with agitation, eyes flitting around the hallway they were standing in as though she were expecting someone to jump out at her at any moment. 

 

“No,” he and Doctor Michel said at the same time. Valerie raised her omnitool at the same instant that John’s pinged. He heard Chloe’s gasp just as his own vision blurred from reading his mother’s message.

 

_ From: Capt. Shepard, Hannah _

_ To: John Shepard, M.D. _

 

_ John,  _

 

_ It’s finally happened. The Reapers have attacked and destroyed Kar’shan. Admiral Hackett has mobilized all the fleets. Your father and I are still stationed aboard the Orizaba and are rendezvousing with the fifth fleet close to the Charon relay. No word from Janie. _

 

_ Be careful, son! _

 

_ Love,  _

_ Mom _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Kaidan's birthday gift was all [estalfaed's](http://estalfaed.tumblr.com) idea (and I thought it was a brilliant one!!) And it's inspired by this lovely [artwork](http://fishsocksmcgee.tumblr.com/post/97606479679/hanar-plushies-are-how-were-going-to-get-past).


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day late. My sincere apologies! Since this is the last update before Christmas, let me take a moment to wish everyone a very happy holiday! ♥

It was surreal being aboard the _ Normandy _ again, but no more so than knowing that the galaxy was going hell right outside her hull. Kaidan had only been back in Vancouver for a few hours - barely enough time to go see his parents and debrief the brass on the state of the biotic training - when he’d gotten the call that Admiral Anderson wanted to see him. The next two hours had gone by in a blur as he and Lieutenant Vega fought their way through the city to get to the ship. He’d called his dad and warned him to get out of town as quickly as possible, only he had no idea where they could go and remain safe from the horrors to come. 

 

Shepard was staring at her armor as if she was afraid to put it back on after so many months without, and Kaidan wished he could think of something to say that would help her. As it was, he was having a hard enough time psyching himself up for this mission. Fighting the Reapers was going to take a colossal effort, and up until this very moment, no one had been listening. No one had prepared.

 

A thought that he’d been afraid to acknowledge, frightened to give a foothold, reared its ugly head again, and he couldn’t tamp down the fear and worry any longer. “Have you had any word from John?” he asked Shepard, standing close to her shoulder and lowering his voice. 

 

Jane turned wide, green eyes toward him. “You haven’t?”

 

“No, I haven’t talked to him in months.” 

 

Her expression went from shocked to outraged in a matter of seconds. “What the hell do you mean you haven’t talked to him in months?” 

 

“I’ve been out on training maneuvers with my biotics squad for the last five months, Shepard,” he stated calmly. “John knew I would be out of touch for awhile.” 

 

Shepard sighed and jammed her fingers into her tousled hair. “I haven’t heard from him since before my arrest,” she admitted. “I thought I’d left him in good hands,” she said, directing a scowl at Kaidan.

 

“I know he’s your brother and you don’t want to see him get hurt, but you’re going to have to let John and me work out our own issues, all right? I care about him. I want us to figure out a way to make this work, but so far it hasn’t happened. I don’t need you giving me the third degree.” 

 

Jane’s anger did not abate, but eventually, she nodded curtly, even if she was still eyeing him shrewdly. She pointed a finger at him in warning, and Kaidan held up his hands in exasperated surrender before wandering off to find his own armor, blowing out a long breath and tugging on his hair in frustration. 

 

For months now, all he’d been able to think about was getting back to John. Their long separation had made him realize what he wanted out of life. Work and finding value in it were all well and good, but useless if there was no one to share it with. And he wanted to share his life, his heart, his everything with John Shepard. At this point, he didn’t care what kind of sacrifices he had to make when this war was won - and he trusted Shepard to win it - he’d do whatever it took to make sure he and John could be together. 

 

**

 

John had been on his feet for fifteen hours straight. Not his longest haul since becoming a surgeon, but enough that he knew he’d start making mistakes if he didn’t take a break soon. Most of the patients he’d seen so far today had been batarians with injuries ranging from limbs needing amputation to shrapnel and debris lodged in their bodies that their ship’s doctors hadn’t been able to handle. During the last three hours, Alliance soldiers had begun trickling in among the wounded, and John fought through the fear and panic, calling on his training to do his job. Any one of these soldiers could be his mom or dad, his twin sister... or Kaidan, so he kept up the grueling pace, despite his fatigue. 

 

“Here,” Valerie passed him a cup of coffee as he read over the next chart that had been thrust at him. “You’re not the only damn surgeon on the Citadel. Sit.” She took the datapad out of his hand and passed it to Dr. Anniston as he went by. John scowled at her but didn’t protest when she also pulled out a sandwich for him. 

 

“Just because your name is Shepard doesn’t mean you’re invincible,” she said with a wink. 

 

John rolled his eyes but gratefully sat and ate the sandwich, mumbling his thanks. 

 

“Why don’t you head to the doctor’s lounge and try to catch forty winks?” Valerie suggested. “You’re not going to be any use to anyone if you tire yourself out. There’s been a lull in the last hour or two.” Her voice was filled with a quiet fear when she spoke again. “I suppose it’s too much to hope that it’s over already.” 

 

She nodded at John’s wistful smile and patted him on the shoulder. “Get some sleep, Doc.” 

 

“You too, Val. I need you at your best.” 

 

“Yes, sir.” The woman smiled at him and left the room. 

 

John shuffled toward the doctor’s lounge and sank down on the nearest empty cot. He didn’t even bother to kick off his shoes. Exhausted as he was, sleep should have overcome him swiftly, but it didn’t. His mind whirled with questions and worries. He hadn’t heard from any of his family since his mother’s quick note. They could all be dead already. Janie could still be trapped on Earth in prison, a sitting duck for the Reapers to take. And what of Kaidan? He hadn’t heard from the man in months, but he missed him all the same. More than anything, he wished things could be different for the two of them. 

 

Despite the passage of time since he’d last seen Kaidan, last tasted his lips, the memory of the man’s touch, the subtle scent of his cologne, was just as vivid in his mind’s eye as it had been the morning they’d said their last goodbyes in Vancouver. 

 

John was in the doctor’s lounge, unable to do anything for his cock that had begun swelling at the first thought of Kaidan and his sinful body. Closing his eyes, he let those memories sweep over him anyway, needing some connection to the man even if the thoughts brought him little more than pain these days. 

 

Kaidan’s body was a wonder, and his tenderness healed places in John’s heart that he’d thought damaged beyond repair. One of his hangups about becoming involved with Kaidan in the first place had been the heartbreak he’d suffered at the hands of another marine - almost in another life, it seemed. 

 

He’d met Jamie Baker at a coworkers birthday party close to nine years ago. He’d still been in the thick of medical school and hadn’t had much time for a social life. Like now, his friends had been forced to drag him, kicking and screaming, to nearly every outing they could. One look at Jamie had made him forget his shyness and his hermit-like nature, and for once in his damned life, he’d gone after someone he wanted with single-minded determination. 

 

Jamie had been gorgeous, taller than John’s own six feet with muscles that went on for days wrapped in smooth, dark skin that spoke of his mixed heritage. His eyes were a surprising shade of green - almost brown in certain lighting but light enough to stand in stark contrast against his mocha skin and black hair. 

 

After practically mauling the man at the party, they’d ended up in a torrid love affair that had been all passion and heat, but little to no love and mutual respect - at least not on Jamie’s part. 

 

They’d dated for five years, struggling to make things work between long hours as an intern and lengthy deployments that kept them separated for months at a time. And while John was home during those leaves, keeping himself company with memories and his left hand, Jamie was busy taking advantage of the wealth of willing bodies available to him on shore leave and in secret hiding spots around the ships he was stationed aboard. 

 

After graduating from med school, John had been preparing to propose to the man, but Jamie got the drop on him. When Jamie had come home and thwarted John’s attempts to kiss him at the transport station, John had looked up to see a timid woman standing behind his lover, a shy smile on her lips and a gold band shining from her left hand - a gold band matching the one on Jamie’s finger. 

 

Part of John’s fear of getting involved with Kaidan had been the sense of betrayal that he’d never quite gotten over. Perhaps a bigger part was the idea that he wasn’t good enough. He hadn’t been enough for Jamie, pure and simple, but the time he’d spent with Kaidan - brief as it was - had begun to convince him that the defect belonged to his former lover, not himself. 

 

When he and Kaidan had separated, the fear that had kept him lonely for years had tried to creep its way back in, but after talking to Kaidan, getting to know him, it was clear that things like loyalty, respect, and integrity were traits ingrained in the man. John had been able to let go of old insecurities and truly trust Kaidan. Now the doubts he felt had more to do with the distance between them, the lack of communication - the lack of  _ commitment  _ they’d made. 

 

While Jamie had made promises that had ultimately been not just broken but smashed to smithereens, Kaidan had made none. There was the undeniable sense that everything that had happened between them up till now was only temporary. It was hot and amazing but too undefined for John’s tastes. It left him feeling as though he didn’t have the right to worry so much about Kaidan, to be so upset with their separation, to feel the man’s absence so keenly. 

 

More than anything, he wanted to do something about this drifting sensation that he’d started to feel everytime he allowed himself to think of Kaidan and the time they’d spent together. Maybe if he ever saw the man again, he could finally pin him down and find out what was happening between them. 

  
  


**

 

“Doctor! Doctor Shepard!” 

 

John bolted upright. The last vestiges of his nightmare began to recede in the light of the room, though he could still hear Kaidan’s screams as he was dragged away by something mechanical. John didn’t know much about the Reapers, but he’d heard some of the horrified ramblings of patients who’d been brought in, half delirious with pain. It didn’t sound pleasant, and he selfishly hoped to avoid encountering them himself. 

 

It took his eyes a moment to focus on Valerie as she hovered around in front of him. “What’s up?” he asked, coming more alert and awake. 

 

“Sir, it’s the  _ Normandy. _ Their pilot just commed that they’re inbound to the Citadel and they have critically wounded aboard.” 

 

“Jane?” John stood and briskly followed Valerie out the door and through the corridor, panic creeping along the outer edges of his consciousness.

 

“I’m not sure, sir. I didn’t look at the file. The ship’s VI forwarded the medical records,” she said passing him a datapad. 

 

With a trembling hand, John took it and froze as he saw the patient’s name: 

 

_ Major Kaidan Alenko. _

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunited!

At the sound of his name, John looked up to find his twin frowning at him. Kaidan had been in surgery for six hours, and John had insisted that he be the one to do it. Dr. Michel had taken the time to argue with him about how it was a conflict of interest, but the shortage of other qualified surgeons and the desperation in John’s eyes had swayed her. She did insist on being in charge of the Major’s recovery however. John figured he’d just have to live with that. 

 

Kaidan would pull through. John had made sure of it, and as he’d forced his hands to cooperate and remain steady, he’d promised himself that regardless of the circumstances of their lives, when Kaidan awoke they’d have a long hard discussion about where they stood with each other. If John had his way, there would never be any doubts about their relationship again. 

 

Maybe it was too soon to say he was in love, but John cared about Kaidan a great deal, wanted him with a fiery passion that threatened to devour him. Seeing the man so battered and broken and lifeless had terrified him. In all his years as a doctor, he’d never wanted to save a patient as badly as he’d wanted to save Kaidan Alenko. Now it was just a waiting game for the man to wake up so that John could tell him that. 

 

“How’s he doing?” Janie asked. 

 

“Stable,” John shrugged, then stood to embrace his sister. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he whispered. 

 

“Are you okay, Johnny?” 

 

“Not yet,” he confessed. “I just…”

 

“I know.” 

 

They stood in silence briefly, their grief somehow easier to bear balanced on two sets of shoulders. The galaxy was falling apart around them, and things like love and family were the only things that mattered anymore - apart from survival. John listened as Jane told him of the desperate ploy of the Alliance, to gather the resources needed to build a superweapon called the Crucible, to sway the other races to join their fleets into one massive, combined force to take on the Reapers in a head-on fight. He didn’t bother to point out the folly of the plan, the absurd desperation of throwing every ship and resource in the galaxy at the Reapers’ feet and hoping for the best. Jane knew. What she needed was support, not doubt. 

 

“What do you say we go get some coffee, hm? My treat?” 

 

Jane nodded and followed her brother toward the hospital cafeteria. It was crowded with doctors and worried loved ones alike, all looking defeated in the way only the threat of war and death could inspire. They took their muffins and coffee to one of the smaller tables in the back. One that offered a view of the Presidium that people paid a fortune to see from their living room windows. It only served to remind John that it could all be gone and over soon, and he’d never taken the time to tell Kaidan how he really felt. 

 

Closing his eyes, he breathed in the steam rising off his black coffee, but it did little to soothe him. All he could envision was Kaidan’s pallid skin and lifeless form on the operating table, blood everywhere from multiple internal injuries. He was desperate to think of Kaidan as he’d been the last time he’d seen him - warm skin and flushed cheeks, blown out pupils and gasping breaths as John thrust into him. He shook the memory away. It felt more like a dream these days anyway. Had there really been a time when he and Kaidan had been together like that, bodies joined in the most intimate ways possible, sharing the same breaths? That last night in Vancouver, John had almost felt as though he could see into Kaidan’s very soul. Now it felt like he hardly knew the man. 

 

“Talk to me, Johnny.” Jane interrupted his pitiful reminiscing. 

 

Instead of opening up, he picked at the top of his muffin, poking a few crumbs into his mouth and turned his attention to the view outside. “Just… everything seems so fucked up right now.” 

 

Jane snorted. “Well there’s an understatement for you. Is this about the war or Kaidan?” 

 

“Mostly Kaidan, I guess. How selfish is that?” 

 

“It’s not,” Jane said adamantly. John looked at her, sapphire eyes boring into emerald. People always said that he and Janie looked nothing alike, but John could see the similarities where no one else could. Jane looked like their mom and John like their dad, though they both carried traits of each. 

 

“How do you figure?” 

 

“John, it’s not selfish to want something - someone - to hold onto in times like this. It’s human nature. We all want a reason to fight, to live. Hell, it’s not just humans that are sticking close to their loved ones right now. I can’t even tell you how many conversations I’ve overheard. People are clinging desperately to those they love or searching frantically for them. We’ve only been on the Citadel for a few hours, but it’s almost like there’s no one unaffected.” 

 

With a sigh, John leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet out in front of him and linking his fingers over his stomach. Jane was right, as usual, but that didn’t make him feel any better. He needed Kaidan to wake up so they could talk, figure out where they stood, but recovery would take time, working through their issues even more so. And time was the one thing they didn’t have the luxury of. 

 

“What happened?” Jane asked softly. “With you and Kaidan, I mean?”

 

“Work, basically. He got promoted to Major, and it came with the caveat that he would train the special biotics squads. We talked for a month or so after he left, but then he was away from communications and I hadn’t seen him in over five months… Until just a few hours ago, that is.” 

 

“And so the first time you’ve seen him in months, he was nearly dead,” Janie sighed herself. “I’m sorry, Johnny. I know it can’t have been easy.” 

 

He shrugged and took a sip of his now lukewarm coffee, staring out across the Presidium again. Cars zipped past like any normal afternoon, people of all species headed to work or home again. Life was going on all around them, and John just felt numb. The past few months of not knowing where Kaidan was, if he was okay, had been difficult, but seeing him battered and broken had almost been too much to take. 

 

Determined to stop brooding about his love life, he looked to Janie again. His twin sat staring down into the mug that she’d clasped in both hands. John reached across the table and took one of her hands in his own. “What about you? How’re you holding up?” 

 

Jane scoffed, “The galaxy is going to hell, and I don’t know if I can stop it. Though that’s exactly what everyone is expecting of me.” 

 

John wasn’t eloquent, didn’t have that knack for saying the right thing at the right time like Janie always seemed to. He had no idea how to make his sister feel better. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled after a time, and Jane chuckled. 

 

“It’s not your fault.” 

 

“What about Liara? Have you heard from her?” 

 

“Liara’s aboard the  _ Normandy _ , but…. we’re not together anymore.”

 

“What happened?” 

 

“She’s not the same person she was when I… before the accident,” she said, stumbling over her words in an uncharacteristic manner. John squeezed her hand briefly, reassuring her that he was here. “She became an information broker after, obsessed with finding me, finding a way to bring me back. She’s the one who gave my body to Cerberus.” 

 

John could tell the idea left a bitter taste in her mouth. Though he understood that Cerberus had crossed too many lines to be considered “one of the good guys,” he still had a morbid sort of fascination about exactly  _ how _ Jane had been brought back from the dead. Call it professional curiosity. He knew his sister wouldn’t have the technical data on her recovery anyway, and most likely, she wouldn’t want to discuss it even if she did. 

 

“I’m sorry about Liara,” he said, patting her hand.  

 

“I uh… well, actually, I think… well, something was developing between Garrus and I before the whole thing with the batarians, and…”

 

John quirked an eyebrow at her. He’d always been the one more prone to lasting commitments while his sister had always been the leap without looking type. It wasn’t like her to get involved with crew, however. She usually had much more professionalism than that. He was somewhat worried that the strain she’d been under for the last few years was starting to get to her. 

 

“Who’s your ship’s doctor?” 

 

Janie scowled at him, but answered his question. John made up his mind to go have a chat with the woman. 

 

**

 

“Hey,” John said softly from the doorway. Kaidan looked over at him, face still bruised and mottled from his run in with a mech on Mars. He still looked beautiful though. John couldn’t help thinking it. He was alive and awake, and at the moment, that was all that mattered. Almost all that mattered. 

 

“Hey,” Kaidan repeated, voice just as low as John’s had been. John stayed rooted to the floor where he was, like if he moved, the moment would shatter, and Kaidan would be gone or still be unconscious. “You can come in, you know.” 

 

John gave a wry smile and pushed off the doorframe, taking a seat on the stool by Kaidan’s bed. He reached for the man’s hand, relaxing a little when Kaidan laced their fingers together and squeezed. 

 

“Is this an official visit?” Kaidan asked with a grin. “Because I’m pretty sure it’s not customary for doctors to hold their patients’ hands like this.” 

 

“Not official,” John chuckled. “How are you feeling?” 

 

“Like I was bashed against the side of a shuttle repeatedly. How about you?” 

 

“Not quite that bad,” John said with another laugh. “Brought you something.” He lifted a blue gift bag and set it on the bed next the Kaidan. Not taking his eyes off John, Kaidan reached for the bag then finally peered inside, letting out a howl of laughter that had him wincing immediately. John felt a little bad about that until the pained expression was replaced by a slow smile. 

 

Inside the bag was a stuffed elcor, and when Kaidan squeezed it it said,  _ With barely restrained frustration: You scared the hell out of me. Never do that again. _

 

Kaidan laughed again, gripping his side as he did so and clutching the toy to his chest. 

 

“They had a voice modulator so that I could record a custom greeting,” John explained, smiling as Kaidan smiled at the doll. 

 

“So that’s actually you talking?” 

 

“Yep,” he grinned. 

 

“This is great, John. Really. Thanks. And uh… sorry that I scared you.”

 

“Par for the course I guess when you’re in lo… have feelings for a marine.” 

 

Kaidan quirked a brow at his misstep, but didn’t push. John was grateful. It almost felt like navigating a minefield at the moment. Kaidan was tense and in pain; John was wary of saying the wrong thing or doing something stupid. The tension continued to build until John felt choked with it. Maybe this had been a bad idea. Kaidan was looking at him like he was trying to work up the nerve to tell him it was officially over. When Kaidan opened his mouth to speak, John swallowed, tamping down the urge to run. Better to get it over with and slink off to lick his wounds later. 

 

“I’m sorry I was out of contact for so long,” Kaidan said, and it took John a minute to catch up. He’d been expecting a rejection. The fact that he didn’t get it left him reeling. 

 

“It’s okay,” he said after too-long a pause, during which Kaidan probably got the distinct impression that it  _ wasn’t _ okay. “I mean, it’s not like it could be helped,” he added quickly. “I don’t hold it against you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

 

“No… it’s…” Kaidan sighed and ran a hand through his hair, wincing when his fingers got tangled in the knots. 

 

“Let me help,” John said softly. He retrieved a comb from the bag of toiletries the hospital provided, and began to gently work the tines through Kaidan’s mad jumble of hair.

 

“You don’t have-” 

 

“I want to,” John whispered. He just needed to touch Kaidan, to feel with his own fingers that he was here and that he was going to be okay. “There’s still some dried blood. Let me wash it?” 

 

“Okay,” Kaidan nodded, and John went to get the supplies he needed. 

 

Lowering the bed, he stood at the head peering down at Kaidan as he wet his hair and worked the soap gently to a lather. Kaidan kept his eyes closed, a serene smile on his lips while he worked. “Feels nice,” he mumbled. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Yeah… I missed you, John.” 

 

“I missed you, too.” John could see him becoming more and more drowsy, and he couldn’t help grinning. Maybe they wouldn’t get everything sorted today, but for the first time in many months, he had reason to hope. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day late! So sorry! Please forgive. ☺
> 
> As consolation, I've created a moodboard to go with the fic. You can see it in Chapter 1 or [here on Tumblr.](https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com/post/181708660809/the-spaces-between-seconds-ch-11-rating)

“This is horrid.” 

 

“Just drink it. I think it’ll help.” 

 

Kaidan looked dubiously at him, then took a small sip of the green sludge in his cup. “Gah! It’s nasty!” 

 

“Quit being a baby and just drink it,” John sighed. During the months of their separation he’d looked into ways he could help lessen the pain, intensity, and frequency of Kaidan’s migraines. It was something he could do to feel like the distance between them had been shortened. After a while, he’d given up the idea when it seemed like Kaidan had dropped out of existence, and thinking about him, even in positive ways, had hurt too much. 

 

During the interim between performing life-saving surgery on the Major and him actually waking up, John had filled the nervous hours and days by renewing his quest to find something to aid Kaidan. The need to keep himself busy and distract himself from gloomy thoughts was nearly overwhelming. 

 

Kaidan refused to have surgery on his implant, to replace it with newer, safer models. John understood where he was coming from and didn’t push him. No one relished the idea of letting someone poke around inside their brain. For Kaidan, living with symptoms that he knew he could control was preferable to the unknown, so John respected that and focused on finding ways to ease the burden. 

 

There had been a series of acupuncture treatments, which Kaidan had actually enjoyed once he got over his distress at the idea of giant needles sticking out of his skin. It seemed to help relieve the lingering pain from the accident. Since waking, he’d been complaining of headaches in varying degrees of severity, and he was quite adamant about not wanting to be constantly pumped full of drugs. 

 

The medications he typically took were targeted to his specific circumstances, and while they worked most of the time, Kaidan admitted that even without life threatening head trauma, the meds sometimes didn’t touch a particularly intense migraine after overexerting himself in the field or too much time spent under the strobe lights of a club. Still, he didn’t want more powerful meds, and after four days of seeing the man in writhing agony in the hospital bed, John had begged him to try the acupuncture. 

 

They were both pleasantly surprised with the results. While the treatment hadn’t been entirely successful in alleviating the pain, it had worked enough for his standard medication to do the rest of the job. Finally seeing some relief on Kaidan’s face made John embark on a new quest with renewed vigor. He was determined not to give in until he could find something that would further aid the Major. 

 

Though Dr. Michel was officially in charge of Kaidan’s recovery, that didn’t stop John from running his own diagnostics and analyses from time to time, with Kaidan’s permission of course. The man was healthy as an ox, taking pride and great care in his fitness and overall well-being, but John had noted some minor mineral deficiencies that could possibly interfere with his body’s ability to stave off the headaches. 

 

With that in mind, he’d come up with an herbal concoction. Each ingredient had been specifically chosen for its nutritional value as well as its healing properties, and John thought that the mineral content alone would be beneficial. Any aid it gave to helping Kaidan fight the migraines would be an added bonus. It looked a bit like a glass of fluorescent snot, though, and had a similar texture. 

 

He wasn’t surprised by Kaidan’s reluctance to try it, nor could he blame him. John was a little leary of it himself. In his eagerness to be of help and provide the most nutritious supplement he could, he’d forgotten about palatability. Kaidan’s face turned about the same shade as the contents of the glass and he shook his head, face scrunched up in disgust as he passed the cup back to John. 

 

John was equal parts annoyed and resigned. It couldn’t be as bad as Kaidan was making it out to be. Just to be sure, he took a tiny sip himself, then searched frantically for the wastebasket, cursing and apologizing profusely after spitting it out. Having rid himself of the vile drink, he turned a sheepish grin on Kaidan. “I’ll try again,” he said, and Kaidan laughed and reached for him.

 

It had been nearly three weeks since Kaidan had woken up, and John had been by nearly every single day. They’d talked a little about where they stood with each other, but for all his determination to sort things out once and for all, John found that he couldn’t bring himself to push while Kaidan was still in so much pain. There was hope through the haziness and tension of Kaidan’s slow but steady recovery, though. Little touches and shy smiles and glances that told John that Kaidan was happy that he was there if nothing else. 

 

He sat on the edge of Kaidan’s bed, careful not to jostle the still healing Major. “You don’t have to treat me with kid gloves, John. I’m not fragile… just… healing.”

 

“I know, but I don’t want to add to your discomfort.”

 

“You being around so much has been the only thing making this convalescence more comfortable,” Kaidan said. “I can’t say I mind the doting.” 

 

John grinned at him, a surge of hope welling within his chest. “I’m glad,” he said simply. 

 

“Think we’ve danced around each other long enough?” Kaidan asked. “Or can we cut the pretense and get on with it?” 

 

“Get on with what?” John asked, bewildered. 

 

Kaidan sighed. “I missed you while I was away,” he said. “And I know you missed me, too. Why are we still skirting around our feelings, pretending that we don’t care about each other?” 

 

John rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and fiddled with Kaidan’s fingers with the other. “I honestly don’t know,” he said. “I guess I was just afraid of… I don’t know, pushing you before you were ready.” 

 

“Well, push, dammit. I’m tired of waiting for my welcome back kiss.” 

 

His heart raced with excitement and desire, and John could feel his smile widening. “If you wanted a kiss, why didn’t you say so before?” 

 

“I was too busy indulging your fretting over me like a mother hen,” he said, returning the smile. 

 

John leaned closer. “I was worried about you,” he whispered, lips mere centimeters from the Major’s.

 

“And that’s sweet, but stop with the worrying and get on with the kissing.” 

 

A huff of laughter escaped his lips just before John’s mouth met Kaidan’s. The doctor closed his eyes as warmth spread through his entire being. It had been so damned long, long enough that he’d forgotten what Kaidan tasted like, forgotten how soft his lips could be. Hot fingers curled around the back of his neck, drawing him closer, and John braced himself on the bed, hands planted on either side of Kaidan’s head. He wanted more than anything to feel the man under his palms, fingertips drinking their fill of heated skin. He contented himself with thoroughly tasting Kaidan for the first time in months. 

 

Kaidan’s little moan of delight was immediately followed by someone clearing their throat. “Having fun?” His sister’s mocking voice doused the flames that were building, effectively snuffing out any thought’s of making more of the kiss than what it already was. 

 

John sighed and dropped his forehead to Kaidan’s momentarily, while the older man chuckled, pecking his lips once more before he sat up. “Jane,” John said tersely. “You have impeccable timing… as always…” He really hoped she wouldn’t bring up the last time she’d caught him in a compromising situation. He wasn’t quite ready for Kaidan to hear that tale. 

 

Jane grinned wolfishly at him, and he knew the story was on the tip of her tongue. He preempted her by excusing himself. At least if she told Kaidan the story while he wasn’t in the room, he wouldn’t have to worry about the sting of embarrassment or seeing Kaidan’s reaction. He left with a promise to visit Kaidan again later, before Jane could get another word out. 

 

**

 

John passed his twin going into Kaidan’s room. They had dinner plans for later that night, but he wouldn’t put it past her to delay him seeing Kaidan just to make him squirm. She didn’t though, and he figured he’d have to buy her a drink tonight as a way of saying thanks. 

 

Kaidan was standing at the window overlooking the Presidium. The Major’s smile caught him right in the chest, and he couldn’t resist leaning in for a sweet kiss. “Hey,” he murmured. 

 

“Hey,” Kaidan repeated. “You just missed Jane.” 

 

“I saw her,” John said. “She and I are having dinner tonight.” 

 

“That’ll be good. Give you two a chance to catch up.” 

 

“I’d rather catch up with you,” John said, brushing his lips against Kaidan’s once more.

 

“Are you sure you should be making out with patients while on duty, Dr. Shepard?” 

 

“I’m not on duty. I just didn’t want to take the time to go back to my office and change. Wanted to come straight to see you.” 

 

Kaidan chuckled as John’s fingers twisted into his hair, mussing it up. “Someone’s a little eager.” 

 

“It’s been over six months, K,” he murmured, lips meeting Kaidan’s again. “I can’t help being a little anxious for you to get out of here.” 

 

“Should be getting the all clear from Doctor Michel any day now.” 

 

“Well, I signed off on you this morning, so hopefully it won’t be too much longer. Though I’m going to miss having easy access to you,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.

 

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Please no hospital gown jokes.” 

 

“You have to admit, it would have been convenient.”

 

“Maybe you can take a stack of them home with you then.” 

 

John snorted a laugh, fingers brushing idly against Kaidan’s stubble covered jaw. Kaidan gripped his wrist, his whiskey-colored gaze making John’s insides squirm. “Kaidan, I-”

 

The door opened with a hiss, and both men turned to see Dr. Michel wandering in, eyes fixed on a datapad in her hands. “Major-” she began, cutting herself off when she looked up to see John. “Dr. Shepard. Why am I not surprised to find you here?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye. 

 

Kaidan hid his grin as John’s cheeks flushed crimson. “I was just leaving,” he mumbled, casting a longing glance at Kaidan. 

 

“Stay,” Michel said. “This will only take a moment, and I have a feeling you’ll both want to hear what I have to say.” She smiled warmly at John, then turned her attention to Kaidan. “I’ve got your release papers here, Major,” she said. “You’ve officially been granted a clean bill of health.” She passed him a datapad. “I took the liberty of expediting the forms, so if you’ll just sign those, you can be on your merry way.” 

 

John thought Kaidan looked relieved to be getting out, and he couldn’t blame him. He worked in a hospital and knew how boring they could be. Kaidan had been here for weeks, and he’d seen the telltale signs of growing discontent. He watched as the Major signed the forms, then Dr. Michel said goodbye with a mischievous smirk. 

 

“Guess she could tell how eager I was to get out,” Kaidan said with a quiet laugh.

 

“More like she’s planning to give me hell tomorrow,” John sighed. “What are your plans now?”

 

“Uh… I have a meeting with Udina in the morning, but for now… I’m all yours.” His voice dropped into a husky register that shot straight to John’s groin. 

 

“Lucky for you, I’m all done for the day.” 

 

“The last time I was at your apartment, I didn’t get the tour,” Kaidan said, stepping closer. 

 

John kissed him, quick and desperate. “Let’s go remedy that, then,” he said breathlessly.

 

**

 

John was torn between wanting to ravish Kaidan - months of pent up desire ready to implode outward - and wanting to take his time, savoring every whimper and sigh. They’d stumbled into the apartment after an annoying delay by Mr. Osaka who knew exactly what he was keeping them from if his smug expression was anything to go by. 

 

Clothes had been abandoned in a breadcrumb trail up the stairs, but now that they were standing, naked and hard, at the foot of the bed, John found himself wanting to slow things down a bit. Kaidan’s body had healed remarkably well. Not a trace was left of the beating he’d taken on Mars, and a sudden sob erupted from John’s chest as he pulled the man into his arms and buried his face in Kaidan’s neck. 

 

Kaidan held onto him, stroking his back with featherlight touches meant to arouse as much as to soothe. They were definitely doing the trick. John’s body shuddered under the gentle caresses, even as it molded itself to Kaidan’s. It felt so amazing to have him in his arms again. 

 

He began applying soft kisses to Kaidan’s neck, fingers playing in the man’s thick hair. He loved the silken feel of the strands against his fingers, and Kaidan rolled his eyes in fond amusement as John teased the tresses into a fluffy mess, lifting his head to grin at his handiwork. “This is a good look for you,” he said.

 

“Somehow I doubt that.” Kaidan leaned forward to capture the younger man’s lips, and John steadily maneuvered them onto the bed. 

 

Kaidan’s smile as he gazed up at John was a thing of beauty, a priceless gift that he wanted to hold onto for the rest of his life. “I missed you so much.” 

 

“I missed you, too. It was hard being away.” Callused fingers traced John’s cheekbone and he closed his eyes, leaning into the soft touch. Turning his head, he planted a kiss in Kaidan’s palm then opened his eyes to see a look of utter adoration trained on him. 

 

He knew about Kaidan’s new Spectre appointment, and he was proud of the man. It was an amazing honor, he knew. What he didn’t know was where that left them. John had always tried to be so careful with his heart. Sex had never been something he’d taken very lightly. Sure there had been a couple of encounters that were just for sheer fun and stress relief, but by and large, when he gave himself to someone, he gave everything he had. 

 

In many ways his relationship with Kaidan was still new and untested. There just hadn’t been enough time to devote themselves to each other the way John would have preferred. For whatever reason, John was utterly unable to hold himself back from Kaidan. For the last several months Kaidan was all he’d been able to think about - where he was, if he was okay, how it had felt to be so near him. 

 

His current reality was better than his memories could ever be. Kaidan was hot and hard against him, pliant muscle wrapped in supple skin. John kissed across his chest, paying special attention to each nipple as Kaidan moaned and ran his hands over the back of John’s head, down his neck, and around his shoulders. John let out a pleased hum and leaned back up for another kiss before resuming his path downward. He couldn’t resist nuzzling the downy hair on Kaidan’s chest for a moment first though. He heard Kaidan’s chuckle and smiled up at him, keeping their eyes locked as he kissed around his belly button, mouthing at the skin of his torso. 

 

Kaidan’s eyes were dark with arousal as he watched John’s every move. John’s eyes drifted closed as he buried his nose into the curls between Kaidan’s legs. He inhaled deeply, savoring the musky, masculine scent. “God,” he whispered, pressing his lips to one of Kaidan’s testicles. 

 

He alternated kissing and licking, first his balls, then his cock, switching back and forth to keep things interesting. Pulling one testicle into his mouth, he swirled his tongue around it a few times, enjoying the husky moan he received in return. A bead of liquid appeared on the tip of Kaidan’s dick when John squeezed him gently, and he kissed it away before returning to Kaidan’s lips to share the taste with him. 

 

“Fuck,” Kaidan groaned as they broke the kiss and his head fell back onto the pillow. “You’re absolutely killing me.” 

 

John laughed, fingers skating over skin that was laced with a fine sheen of sweat. Kaidan turned the tables on him, rolling him onto his back and kissing his way down John’s stomach. Unlike John, he didn’t waste time on teasing. Wrapping his lips around the head of John’s cock, he flicked his tongue over the tip, then plunged down, pulling him into his mouth. 

 

A strangled cry sounded from John’s throat as he twisted the sheets tightly in his fists. “Jesus, K,” he moaned. “Take it easy or this is going to be a very short-lived reunion.” 

 

“Payback for all that teasing,” the Major paused to say. 

 

He took John in again, watching him with amused eyes. John muttered curses and whimpered as his hips bucked helplessly off the mattress and into the stifling heat of Kaidan’s mouth. He was so fucking close to completely losing it that he whined in protest when Kaidan pulled off him.

 

“Fucking evil,” he murmured, but there was no sting behind the words. Kaidan chuckled and rose up, bringing their mouths together again. John groped for him desperately, pulling him closer and rolling his hips up to grind himself against Kaidan’s thigh. 

 

Shifting off him, Kaidan curled strong fingers around John’s erection and swallowed his moans as he stroked. John pulled away, gasping for breath as his hips stuttered forward, seeking more contact. Kaidan’s name drifted reverently between them, and Kaidan responded in kind. “John,” he whispered as he continued to work his fist over John’s cock. “You’re so beautiful like this.” 

 

The doctor arched off the bed with a whimpering groan, and his dick twitched in Kaidan’s hand just before he spilled himself between them. His body coiled around Kaidan’s, and the Major cradled him close as he rode out his bliss. 

 

John wasn’t content to lie there basking in the glow, not when he could feel Kaidan’s need still pressing insistently into his thigh. Gripping the Major’s cock, he returned the favor with languid movements, relishing every sigh, whimper, and moan. He studied the older man’s face, waiting for that telltale moment when Kaidan tipped over the edge. He saw it in Kaidan’s eyes before he felt the evidence of it against his belly, and he held him tight, fingers combing through his damp hair. 

 

They stayed close, despite the sticky mess between them, sharing lazy kisses and sated smiles. Kaidan’s eyelids drooped, and John was afraid for a moment that he’d overexerted himself. He laid the doctor’s fears to rest a moment later with a soft kiss to the forehead, and a murmured, “That was good.” 

 

“That was great,” John agreed with a huff of laughter against Kaidan’s neck. He couldn’t resist pressing his lips against the Major’s throbbing pulse point, content in the knowledge that, for now, Kaidan was safe and secure in his arms. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one of my whole motivations for writing this fic was the idea of John being the doctor that recommended acupuncture and the nasty drink for Kaidan's migraines that he talks about when Shepard visits him in the hospital. This is one of my favorite chapters. I also figure y'all deserved a little lightheartedness and smut after the last several chapters. ☺


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reality has an annoying way of intruding. 
> 
> In case you missed it, I've created a moodboard to go with this story. It can be found in chapter 1.

John yawned and stretched, grinning as Kaidan snuggled up closer behind him. For the last three weeks, Kaidan had spent most every night at his apartment. They’d fallen into a nice little routine, and John loved it. He refused to dwell on the fact that Kaidan probably would be called away on assignment soon and instead had learned to enjoy what he had, while he had it. 

 

Though neither of them had spoken of love, at this point, John assumed it was implied. Kaidan typically sneaked out of bed before him to make coffee and toast with bacon for their breakfast. John always had a tumbler of whiskey waiting for Kaidan when he returned from wherever his day’s meetings and errands had carried him. Little gestures that meant they were thinking of each other. And every time they made love, John felt a little bit more of himself slip away into Kaidan’s grasp as honeyed eyes peered into his with emotion that had yet to be labeled out loud. 

 

“Hey, sleepyhead,” John murmured, smile widening as Kaidan grunted in disapproval. “Don’t you have a meeting with the Council this morning?”

 

The second human Spectre groaned, squeezing John tighter in adamant refusal to leave the bed. 

 

Laughing, the doctor twisted himself around to face his lover. “You have a meeting,” he said again quietly. “And I have surgery this morning.” 

 

“I guess we can’t call in sick?” 

 

“Probably not,” John chuckled. He pressed his lips to Kaidan’s, heart fluttering when the older man wrapped him in his arms and drew him closer. “We should get up,” he said, dotting Kaidan’s face and jaw with more kisses. “Get a shower.” 

 

Kaidan moaned softly, fingers exploring his lover’s body. “I need to make breakfast. You’re a grump if you don’t get your coffee.” 

 

“Very true,” John laughed, “but we can stop at the coffee shop on the corner. My treat. For now… let’s go take a shower together and put the time saved to good use.”

 

**

 

John loved his job, loved helping people. The thrill of seeing his patients recover from debilitating or terminal disease and injury, of the joy in their families’ eyes, never got old. The reward was greater for him when his patient was a child, but the failures... 

 

Losing a child was the lowest low he ever felt as a doctor. It never got easier to watch that tiny life ebb away. Telling the parents that their child was dead was something he never got over, no matter how many times he had to do it. 

 

Earlier, he’d had to do that very thing - that most dreaded aspect of his job. If he ever needed reminding that life was a frail, fleeting thing then all he had to do was remember days like this one. And he did. Every single patient lost was committed to memory along with a promise to himself to do better the next time. 

 

In his office, he could hide away from the pain for a bit. Gaze across the impeccable view out his window and pretend that the world didn’t contain such horrors. He could think about his morning in the shower with Kaidan, and how they’d been sheltered from the realities of life and loss. He could take comfort from the fact that life went on, that joy still existed, and that one day - maybe - he’d be able to forgive himself. 

 

He sat in his desk chair, head cradled in his hands, wishing that he could call Kaidan, just to hear his voice. Kaidan was busy in meetings all morning, though, and as much as he wanted to, he wouldn’t call the man away from important business simply because he was struggling to find the purpose of life at the moment. 

 

The door opened behind him with a mechanical whir. “Dr. Shepard,” his assistant, Valerie, called quietly, “your consult for the liver transplant is here, do you… Are you ready?” 

 

John nodded, raising his head but not looking at her. This was the other aspect of life that his job often threw into focus for him. No matter what losses one had suffered, the only thing to do afterward was to move forward. Letting himself sit, wallow and dwell on his failures, was a luxury he couldn’t afford. A luxury he didn’t want. The only way to outrun the pain and disappointment of his morning’s failure was to make sure it never happened again. 

 

“Let’s go.” 

 

John had barely opened his mouth to speak to his new patient when the building began to shake. Once, he’d been planetside helping at a colony refugee camp after an attack by batarian slavers and an earthquake had hit. He remembered the screaming panic of the colonists, believing that the batarians had returned for another round.

 

The feeling was eerily similar to what they’d just experienced, though he knew an earthquake on the Citadel was impossible. The wailing of his patient, Mrs. Standridge, brought his mind back to the present. Wild eyes, yellowed with jaundice, looked up at him, filled with sheer terror. 

 

“Val, see if you can find out what in the hell is going on,” he said to his assistant before turning his attention to consoling his patient. 

 

Mrs. Standridge shrieked again, and he followed her gaze toward a plume of black smoke rising in the distance. The fact that the apparent explosion had been close enough to rock the hospital sent a cold tendril of fear slithering up John’s spine. While it could still be something as innocuous a traffic accident or an overloaded power conduit, he had a horrible feeling that it was something much, much worse. 

 

Valerie returned, whispering into his ear that there was a rumor of the Citadel being under attack. John gladly foisted the frightened Mrs. Standridge off on his assistant. “Get her to the basement,” he muttered. “I’m going to see if I can get more information.” 

 

His first stop was his office. He kept a loaded pistol there. It wasn’t much and he wasn’t Alliance trained, but his dad had made sure he knew how to defend himself if the worst ever came to pass. Tucking it and the spare thermal clip he kept with it into the waistband of his trousers, he pulled up his omnitool and dialed Kaidan’s frequency. If anyone knew what was happening, it would be the second human Spectre. 

 

There was no answer, not that he was surprised. So he sent a message to his sister next then headed out to find Dr. Michel.

 

Chloe was knee deep in panicked patients when he found her. “John,” she said, relief evident in her heavily-accented voice. Gripping his arm tightly, she pulled him aside. “C-Sec has contacted us to let us know that the Citadel is under attack,” she said. “They told us to prepare for the worst.” 

 

“Fuck,” John said, running a hand over his buzzed head. “What do you need me to do?” 

 

“You’re the best surgeon I have, but I know you also have experience working in war torn areas and are more than familiar with emergency protocols. We’re already getting reports of injured civilians in heavily populated areas. It seems that whoever these attackers are, they have no regard for sentient life whatsoever. They’re mowing down security officers and civilians alike, without discretion.” 

 

“Son of a bitch.” John clenched his jaw tight. “Do you think it’s the Reapers?”

 

“What else could it be?”

 

_ Fuck! _ Whatever was going on, Kaidan would be right in the thick of the action. John couldn’t help thinking of how quickly their little bubble of domestic tranquility had been burst. Dread and terror swelled within him, but he tamped them both down. Kaidan knew how to do his job, now John needed to go do his. 

 

“I need you to go with the field crews and emergency teams,” Dr. Michel told him. “See what you can do for them, John. Supplies are already starting to run a little low due to the war and now this. We may not recover in time to be of use if this war drags on much longer. The more people you can save, using the fewest supplies possible, the better it will be.” 

 

“I do have some experience working in less than ideal conditions,” he conceded. “Just let me grab a few things.” 

 

“There’s another crew leaving in ten minutes. Meet them at the west entrance.” 

 

**   
  
Cerberus was behind this attack, as they’d discovered about five minutes after leaving the hospital. The troops were everywhere, gunning down hapless victims left and right. John had no qualms about using his pistol to defend the workers in his group, or to spare an innocent life who’d found themselves in the crosshairs of one of Cerberus’ guns. 

 

The Presidium was a nightmare. Screaming civilians fled in all directions. They were too late to save some. Others were too far gone for field medicine to help. The rescue team kept a steady train of bodies on stretchers moving toward the closest clinics they could find. Soon all of them were overcrowded, and their comms chirped continuously with messages from overtaxed medics begging them not to send any more patients their way. 

 

“We don’t have a choice,” John growled at the latest in the string of physicians who’d called to cuss him out. “These people are fucking dying!” Grabbing the sleeve of the closest relief worker, he spun the man to face him. “This one,” he said, gesturing to the bleeding man on the ground. “Internal bleeding. I can’t help him here.” 

 

He cut the call with the screaming doctor as he stripped off his bloody gloves and donned a fresh pair. There was no shortage of patients for him to attend to. Fear crept into the back of his mind - for Kaidan, for Janie, for the millions of people who lived on the Citadel. This was the beginning, he knew. The war had all but left the Citadel alone, but that was over now. The time to sit back and pretend that life was okay had come to an end. 

 

**

 

John had Kaidan’s whiskey waiting for him when he got home. They were both exhausted. It was written plainly on their faces. Silently, they embraced, holding each other close as the day’s torrent of emotions crashed over them - relief, fear, sadness, worry, joy. So many others wouldn’t have this tonight. They’d be mourning the loss of their loved ones or praying over their unconscious bodies in the hospital. 

 

For hours and hours John had worked until his vision began to blur and he couldn’t chase away the weariness that had sunk soul-deep. When he closed his eyes, he still saw the blood and carnage, still smelled the smoke and distinctive odor of charred flesh. 

 

He buried his nose against Kaidan’s neck and inhaled, letting the man’s scent wash him clean, clear away the memories of those awful hours. Kaidan seemed to be doing much the same, clinging to John like a lifeline. 

 

“You wanna talk?” John mumbled against Kaidan’s skin.

 

“Later… right now I just want to forget.” 

 

Lifting his head and meeting Kaidan’s eyes, John smiled and said, “I have just the thing for that.” 

 

***

 

John adored the feeling of being sheltered in Kaidan Alenko’s arms. He couldn’t recall a time in his life that he’d felt so much peace, and with the way things seemed to be progressing with the war, peace was in short supply. So he savored moments like this - the two of them wound around each other, bodies still tingling from their lovemaking - never knowing how much time they had left together. 

 

“Hackett offered me a position with the fleet,” Kaidan all but whispered, hand rubbing against the soft prickles of John’s close-cropped hair. John stayed silent but knew that his body had tensed up. Kaidan’s next words were gentle. “I have to go where I’m needed.” 

 

“I know,” John sighed, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. His head rested in his hands as he stared at the floor. “I  _ know _ ,” he muttered again. “I just…”

 

“I know,” Kaidan said, scooting across the bed to wrap his arms around his lover. John gripped the man’s hand and held on tightly, not knowing how many more chances he’d have to do that. Kaidan planted a kiss between John’s shoulder blades. “I’m going to ask Jane about going back to the  _ Normandy _ first, though.” 

 

“Really?” John couldn’t help being surprised. Kaidan hadn’t told him what all had happened when Councilor Udina had died, but he knew his lover wasn’t happy with how it had all gone down. 

 

“She offered before… while I was still in the hospital, and I don’t know… things may be… too tense between us now to ever work together like we did before, but I have to try. Shepard and the  _ Normandy _ are at the forefront of everything, and I… I wanna be where I can do the most good, you know?” 

 

John listened patiently as Kaidan made his case. He understood Kaidan’s desire to to make a difference - it was why he’d become a surgeon, himself - but he was selfish enough to want Kaidan close by… and out of danger. Wherever Janie was, trouble instinctively followed. It had always been that way, and having both of the people he loved most in all the galaxy in the same place, dodging the same bullets, made John’s skin crawl. 

 

Whether Kaidan took the posting with Hackett or on the  _ Normandy _ , however, he’d be in danger. There was no getting around that. And as the coup had taught them that very day, the galaxy was getting smaller by the second. They were running out of places to hide from the Reapers and whomever else wanted to see people suffer, and it was Kaidan’s job - his sworn duty - to do all that he could to fight, to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves. 

 

“I’m gonna go order us some food,” John said in lieu of replying to Kaidan’s statements. He’d known this day would come but hadn’t expected it so soon. Pulling on the pair of sweats that was draped over the nearby chair, he left Kaidan lying on the bed, watching him go. 

 

John was still standing in the kitchen, arms braced on the countertop, tears in his eyes when Kaidan found him several minutes later. “I’m sorry, John. I-”

 

“Don’t,” John silenced him with a finger to his lips. “I know the drill,” he said. “I just… I don’t want you to go, and I know that makes me a selfish bastard, but I can’t help it.” 

 

“I don’t want to go any more than you want me to,” Kaidan assured him, “but we all have our parts to play in this. And for better or worse… this is mine.” 

 

“I know you’re right,” he said, cupping Kaidan’s face in his hands and kissing him gently. “And I’m damn proud of you.”

 

Kaidan kissed him again, then drew him into his arms. Neither of them knew what tomorrow held, so for now, this would have to be enough. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff. Y'all deserve it after all I've put y'all through, and also because the chapter is a day late. So sorry. I've been sucked into the world of The Witcher 3 and I have no excuses! ☺

Rejoining the  _ Normandy _ was one of the hardest things Kaidan had ever had to do, despite the fact that he knew he’d made the right decision. If he and John were to ever have a future, the war had to be won, and the war would be won from this ship. Of that, he had no doubts. 

 

The new ship was much more spacious and comfortable than the old  _ Normandy _ , and Kaidan appreciated the fact that officers were assigned actual bunks, rather than sleeper pods. Still, his favorite room, by far, was the starboard observation lounge. Almost no one ever visited the room, save Shepard. The crew all seemed to prefer the lounge on the opposite side of the ship, stocked with booze, comfortable couches, and the now-infamous poker table. It had only taken Kaidan a few days to learn to steer clear of it. 

 

The starboard lounge was equipped instead with books and a stunning view. Once his mission reports were turned in to Shepard and the Council and his Spectre expense reports handled, he could relax. He could contemplate life outside that giant window, or catch up on his correspondence with his mom and with John. 

 

He found it the perfect place to decompress. 

 

The missions became tougher as the war became more desperate. Every failure was felt keenly by the crew; every victory a crucial shot in the arm for everyone involved. 

 

A migraine had threatened to sideline him all day, but he’d managed to make it through the mission and back to the ship relatively unscathed. He took his time in the shower, letting the hot water soothe away some of the tension in his neck and shoulders, wishing that John were with him to massage it… among other things. 

 

He’d developed the habit of taking a cup of tea to the starboard lounge at the end of a long day, which was a daily ritual by this point. Dressed in his comfy sleepwear, he sat on the couch with his tea and an open letter to John that he’d been working on for a day or two. The door hissed open behind him, and he quelled the disappointment over his solitude being interrupted. 

 

“Hey, Kaidan.” 

 

He turned to find Jane shuffling toward him in her own pajamas, a steaming mug that was probably coffee instead of tea clutched in her hands. 

 

“Shepard,” he greeted. He couldn’t help noticing how exhausted she looked. Her frame was all but skin and bones and dark circles ringed her eyes. John had chastised her the last time they’d been at the Citadel, prescribing a drink similar to the one Kaidan drank every morning and evening to stave off his migraines, along with more calories, and more sleep. “Come sit,” Kaidan ordered, patting the seat beside him. 

 

He wasn’t all that surprised when she complied. If she was half as tired as she appeared, then he knew she must feel like hell. Jane yawned and rested her head on the back of the couch. 

 

“Everything alright?” 

 

“Fucking tired,” she muttered.

 

“Yeah, I gathered,” he chuckled. “When was the last time you slept? Or ate?” 

 

Jane waved a dismissive hand and took a sip of her drink. He was surprised to discover that it was peppermint tea instead of coffee. “John,” she explained, noticing Kaidan’s reaction. “He’s been bitching about my caffeine consumption - as if he has room to talk. Asshole.” 

 

“He worries about you,” Kaidan said fondly. 

 

“I know. He worries about you, too,” she reminded him. “Poor baby. What if I end up getting us both killed, Kaidan? What’ll happen to him then?” 

 

“That’s not gonna happen,” he assured her firmly. “Don’t even think that way.” 

 

“Wish I had your confidence.” 

 

He watched her as she stared out the window in front of them.

 

“He loves you, you know,” she said quietly. “He’s head over fucking heels. I told him-” Shepard cut herself off abruptly, taking another sip of the tea to stall for time. 

 

“What’d you tell him?” he prompted after the silence stretched on a few beats too long. 

 

“To be careful. He’s been… burned in the past. Very badly.” 

 

“I don’t want to hurt him,” Kaidan said. “I care about him very much.” 

 

“But you don’t love him?” 

 

There was a sadness in her eyes that made Kaidan’s heart ache, but he didn’t want her to hear it before John did. The truth was that he’d been in love with John Shepard for awhile now. Maybe even since their first date all those years ago. He couldn’t honestly say he’d been in love with anyone since Rahna. It had just been so long since he’d had this kind of connection with anyone. It was both thrilling and terrifying, and John’s sister wasn’t the person he wanted to be talking about this to. 

 

“Can I answer that question later?” he pleaded. 

 

“I guess it wouldn’t be fair for me to hear it before Johnny did,” she said, echoing his precise thoughts. She added softly, “I knew you two would be perfect for each other. Take care of him, Kaidan. That’s all I ask.” 

 

“You have my word, Jane.” 

 

Patting his knee, she stood. “I’m gonna go. Pretty sure there’s a naked turian in my bed upstairs,” she winked. 

 

“Yeah, I could have lived without knowing that,” Kaidan said dryly, but he couldn’t help laughing with Shepard. “Uh, have fun, I guess.” 

 

“Count on it,” she said, then sauntered out the door. 

 

Kaidan checked the time on his chrono. It was late on the Citadel, but it was the weekend there. John wouldn’t have to work the next day. Maybe he’d be up for a late night vid call. 

 

John’s face lit up in a delighted smile when he answered the call, and Kaidan saw that he was propped up in the bed, surrounded by pillows. “Kaidan,” he greeted. “This is a nice surprise.” 

 

“Hey yourself! We’re still in range of the comm buoy, and I… well, I just wanted to hear your voice.” 

 

“Rough day?” John’s face was instantly lined with worry. 

 

“No worse than any other. Had a niggling headache all day, but nothing too serious. And don’t worry, I’ve been taking my meds, drinking the shake. Chakwas has even been trying her hand at the acupuncture at least once a week. It’s all good.” 

 

“Okay. I won’t worry then,” John grinned. “Sounds like you’re being well taken care of.” 

 

“There’s only one doctor I know of better than Chakwas,” he admitted with a wink, which made John laugh. 

 

“Are you trying to butter me up for something?” John teased. 

 

“Heh, nah… I just… I wanted you to know that I think you’re pretty great.” 

 

Laughing, John agreed, “Same. Miss you.” 

 

“Miss you, too. Things are getting tense out here, and I…” 

 

His voice trailed off as the view from the window caught his eye. He thought about telling John that he loved him. It was an undeniable fact of life at this point. Regardless of the outcome of this war, he knew he wanted to be by John Shepard’s side for the remainder of his days, however few. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it yet. What if he died in the next battle? What if he never made his way back to John? 

 

On a completely selfish, and perhaps a little shallow, level, he wanted to make this confession in person so that he could back the words up with actions. 

 

“Kaidan? You okay?” 

 

That worried little frown was back on John’s face, and more than anything Kaidan wanted to be there to kiss it away, to smooth out the wrinkles between his eyes with the pad of his thumb, to whisk him away to some remote planet and make love to him from sundown to sunup. 

 

“Hopefully we’ll be docking with the Citadel soon,” he said instead. “I know the ship is starting to run low on certain supplies.” 

 

“I’ll be here,” John said with a small smile, though Kaidan could tell he wasn’t terribly pleased with the subject change. 

 

“I should let you get some rest.” 

 

“You sure there’s nothing else you want to talk about?”

 

“I do, but I want to wait till I get there,” he admitted. “Nothing bad,” he added quickly when John’s expression turned into a full blown scowl. “I just… shit, I shouldn’t have brought it up at all, now you’re going to worry yourself half to death.” 

 

John chuckled nervously. “Well… when your boyfriend says he has something he wants to talk about, but wants to wait and do it in person… I mean… I guess the fact that you want to do it in person… I mean I’ve gotten ‘Dear John’ letters, which is ironic, I grant you, and-”

 

“John,” Kaidan interrupted his nervous ramble. “I love you.” 

 

Blue eyes, big as saucers, stared back at him through the vid connection. 

 

“I love you, that’s what I called to say, and then I thought I’d rather tell you for the first time in person so I could kiss you and make love to you, and… I just… I love you, and I wanted you to know.”

 

“I love you too, K,” John whispered. “So much.” 

 

They grinned at each other with watery eyes, like a couple of idiots. 

 

“If Jane could see us, she’d never let us live this moment down,” John said at last, and they both laughed. 

 

“Well, Joker will probably tell her because he’s an eavesdropping snoop, but I really don’t give a shit. I just want to finish this thing so we can be together.” 

 

“I want that, too.”

 

“I really do need to go, but… hopefully I’ll be there soon.” 

 

“I’ll keep the bed warm for you,” John said and wiggled his eyebrows. 

 

They both said I love you again before bidding each other goodnight, and Kaidan made his way to his bunk. He was so full of giddy excitement that sleep was hard to come by, but when he finally dozed, his dreams were filled with blue eyes and a beautiful smile. 

 

**

 

When the elevator in the docking bay slid open, John was standing there waiting for him. Ignoring the crew members that were still pouring onto the Citadel - including his sister - John hauled Kaidan into his arms and kissed him soundly. 

 

“Tell me again,” John said. “I want to hear it in person.” 

 

It had been nearly two weeks since they’d talked and Kaidan had confessed his true feelings for John, but he knew exactly what his love wanted to hear. “I love you,” he said softly, pressing their lips together between each word. “I love you.” 

 

“I love you too,” John all but sobbed, burying his face against Kaidan’s neck. 

 

“Get a room, will ya?” Janie hollered, earning a few catcalls and whistles from some of the crew members. 

 

“It’s not a bad idea,” Kaidan whispered, paying his friends and crew mates no heed. 

 

“I’ve got a car waiting,” John agreed. He paused to flip his sister off, and Jane laughed, promising to call him later. “I got you something,” he told Kaidan as soon as they were inside his apartment. 

 

In the few short weeks that Kaidan had spent there, the place had already come to feel like home to him. He wasn’t sure if it was too soon to tell John that though, so he kept the information to himself and quietly relished the feeling of being somewhere familiar with the man he loved. It amazed him how freeing it was to have spoken the words aloud. It was as though a barrier had been removed between them. John could hardly keep his hands off Kaidan the entire car ride, but there had been nothing overtly sexual in his touches, just a simple longing to be connected on some level. Kaidan felt the exact same way. 

 

John led Kaidan to their room -  _ their _ room - and went to the dresser to retrieve a small gift bag. Kaidan reached inside and pulled out a stuffed krogan that bellowed out a ridiculous poem about ‘Canadian bacon’ when he squeezed its belly. Kaidan laughed and pulled John close for a round of slow kisses. 

 

“Did you write that?” 

 

“Maybe,” John confessed with a sly grin. “Mr. Osaka helped,” he admitted after a moment. 

 

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “You two get into entirely too much trouble when you’re drinking together.” 

 

“He’s kinda like the grandpa - or uncle - I never had,” John said with a shrug. “He’s been alone since his husband died, and he makes for good company.” 

 

“I know. I’m glad you have someone you can lean on while I’m away. I’m sure it’s been good for him, too.” 

 

“Mm... I really don’t want to talk about Mr. Osaka right now, though,” John said, stepping closer and reaching for the man he loved.  

 

“Wait! I got you something, too.” Kaidan turned to rummage through his duffel bag that was sitting on the bed, a task made more difficult by the persistent presence of John’s hands on his ass. He couldn’t say he minded however. He’d been dreaming of this for weeks now. “Aha!” He pulled his prize from his bag, and stood. John wrapped his arms firmly around Kaidan’s waist, so he presented it to him over his shoulder.

 

John dotted a few kisses against the nape of his neck before finally taking the stuffed asari in his hands and giving it a gentle squeeze. “By the goddess, I’ve missed you,” it said, and both men laughed. 

 

He dropped it on the bed next to the toy krogan and spun Kaidan to face him. Catching his lips with his own, John pushed him onto the mattress and followed him down. They landed on the dolls which both began repeating their recorded greetings. Their kisses dissolved into fits of laughter until John wrestled the toys out from under Kaidan’s back and tossed them across the room. Kaidan wrapped John in his arms and held him close, content for the time being. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tissues required for this one!!

There were certain events in John’s life that he knew he’d cling to forever. The first time his dad told him he was proud of him. The first time he ever kissed a boy. The day he graduated and was able to tack that impressive M.D. onto the end of his name. The first time he’d laid eyes on Kaidan Alenko. 

 

And this. 

 

John moaned as Kaidan slid deeper inside of him, a slow, slick glide that lit his senses on fire. His mind was nearly blanked from alcohol and sheer pleasure, but he held onto Kaidan’s shoulders - a shipwrecked man clinging to a life raft. Kaidan kissed him, whispering words of love through every brush of their lips. 

 

This was goodbye.

 

For a week, John had been able to live in the illusion that things would be okay. Despite the mess with Janie’s clone, it had been a relatively uneventful week. With the influx of wounded refugees pouring onto the Citadel hourly, it would have been selfish for John to take the week off work. But every night when he came home, Kaidan had been there waiting for him. The feeling that this was now Kaidan’s home as much as John’s had never been sharper. This worked; they fit. John had easily grown accustomed to Kaidan sharing his space, and he hated to think of him leaving the next day. 

 

Janie had thrown a party for the crew to cap off the end of their shore leave. John felt it was an ending of many things, and a tear slid from his eye as Kaidan tried to hush and soothe him. They’d slipped out of the party early before they could get too drunk but late enough that no one would miss them. He’d make sure to go to the docking bay in the morning to say a proper goodbye to his sister and the other friends he’d made of her crew. 

 

Tonight was for him and Kaidan alone. 

 

John’s fingers crept along Kaidan’s spine, committing every peak and valley of bone and muscle to memory. He didn’t want to forget one, single detail. Having grown up in a military family, he knew enough about battle to know that nothing was certain. He wanted to draw Kaidan into himself and never let go, but life didn’t work that way. He had no choice but to settle for memories. By tomorrow the  _ Normandy _ would be gone, and life would go on as before, only filled with darkness where there used to be light. 

 

Kaidan moved into him, breathing heavily as he joined their bodies into one. John’s head rolled back into his pillow, intense pleasure coursing through his veins. All his worries and fears were forced out so that only thoughts of Kaidan could remain. They clung to each other, fingers leaving white marks on skin with the strength of their grip, and their lips met over and over between professions of love and declarations of ecstasy. 

 

Their eyes remained locked - amber and sapphire - shallow breaths rasping between them. John came first with a shudder and a moan, spilling himself between them and pressing his lips to the corner of Kaidan’s mouth. His fingers tangled into Kaidan’s thick hair drawing him closer in need and desperation, and Kaidan came too, muffling ragged curses into the skin of John’s throat. 

 

They stayed locked together for several long minutes, not speaking, hardly daring to breathe. John felt sure that he’d break down weeping and never stop if Kaidan pulled away from him now. But Kaidan stayed, holding him close, and John, feeling his lover trembling, realized that Kaidan needed grounding just as much as he did. 

 

**

 

Kaidan remained awake long after they’d separated and John had curled into a ball on his side of the bed. Kaidan wrapped the younger man in strong arms and steadied his heart to John’s rhythmic breathing. The need to protect John from everything that was to come burned in his chest. John was strong, though. He always had been. Kaidan knew that the real problem lay with himself. 

 

Knowing his duty didn’t make it any easier to accept. He would go with Shepard on the  _ Normandy _ because his honor demanded it, but a cowardly part of him, one he didn’t like to acknowledge, wanted to stay. Perhaps it wasn’t cowardice. He’d face what the world gave him, just as he’d always done, but the longing he felt was difficult to ignore. 

 

Even if they won and everything went according to plan, there would still be chaos for years to come. Kaidan knew this deep in his heart. John’s skilled hands would be needed in refugee camps and makeshift hospitals all over the galaxy. Just as soldiers would still be needed to keep the peace once the dust had settled and the populace assessed the damage. 

 

The thought that plagued him, that turned his dreams into nightmares, was that once he left this station, come morning, it could be years before he saw John Shepard again.

 

Maybe never. 

 

Kaidan couldn’t stop the tears from falling, and he held John just a bit tighter, burying his face against the nape of the younger man’s neck as he wept. Bitter, disconsolate tears streamed down his face and over John’s neck, and he could not staunch the flow. John woke, turning to face Kaidan and wrapping his arms around him. They held each other, John’s fingers threading gently through Kaidan’s hair, and their tears mingled together on the pillow beneath their heads. 

 

“This is not the end,” John whispered, voice shaky and rough. “I refuse to believe it.” 

 

Kaidan nodded, though he wasn’t sure he could be as confident. He’d seen too much fighting to underestimate the toll this final battle would take. It did no good to worry, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. John kissed him, soft and deep, then rolled them over, lining their bodies up just so, offering comfort and strength through another round of lovemaking. They fell asleep on their sides, bodies still joined and tangled together, and they stayed that way through the rest of the night. 

 

**

 

John kissed Kaidan’s cheek then slowly left the bed. It was a few more minutes before Kaidan needed to wake up, so he padded to the kitchen to start the coffee pot and some bacon and eggs. Part of him wanted to stay in that bed with Kaidan until the last possible second, but he knew it would only be delaying the inevitable. They’d said everything last night. The morning needed to proceed with the ease of routine. John wanted to remember it as a normal day, not the end of the world that it felt like. 

 

He startled when Kaidan’s arms looped around his waist from behind, but settled into the embrace and continued his meal preparations. Kaidan didn’t say anything, just held onto him and watched him work. John relaxed into the monotony of the cooking - just like any other day. He let his mind drift toward his schedule at work. Three surgeries for the morning, and two for the afternoon, barring an influx of wounded during the night. If there had been any real emergencies, he would have already been informed. Routine and schedule were the name of the game. 

 

They chatted quietly about John’s day and whether or not Kaidan had remembered to pack those clothes from that last load of laundry. And when they’d finished eating, Kaidan did the dishes like he always did after John had cooked. They always took turns that way. He found John in the shower, head hanging beneath the spray of water, and the younger man struggled to regain his calm composure - the fiction that this was just another ordinary day. John was going to work; Kaidan was going to work; they’d meet back at the apartment afterward. 

 

John helped Kaidan pack the last of his things into his duffel, slipping in, unnoticed, a small care package of Kaidan’s favorite tea, the powdered mix for his health shakes, a few bars of decadent chocolate, and a bottle of Kaidan’s favorite whiskey. He’d written a note for Kaidan, too, so that if the worst came to pass, Kaidan would never be able to doubt the way John had felt about him. 

 

They traveled in silence to the  _ Normandy’s _ docking bay. The rest of the crew had gathered, staring out at the ship that had been their home for so long - the last, best hope of a weary galaxy. John felt like he was intruding on a private moment between his sister and Garrus, so he hung back, turning to Kaidan when the other man touched his cheek. 

 

“I love you,” Kaidan told him, and John only nodded, unable to force the words past his lips to declare that simple truth back to Kaidan. The marine seemed to understand and pulled John close for a kiss. 

 

John poured every ounce of emotion he possessed into it, willing Kaidan to know and understand and to never forget this moment or how John truly felt. He pulled Kaidan close, crushing him to his chest and burying his face against his neck. A quiet sob escaped one of them as they held on tight. Finally, Kaidan pulled away, pecked John softly on the lips, then collected his gear and strode into the ship without a backward glance. 

 

John stood, back turned against the elevator Kaidan had disappeared into, and tried to control his breathing, his emotions. He felt his sister’s small hand on his shoulder and he turned to pull her into an urgent hug. They held onto each other, neither being able to voice the words that pulled at their tongues, and when they released each other, Janie cupped her brother’s cheek, smiled sadly, and walked away. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tissues again, probably. Sorry about that. I know it doesn't seem like it, but things will get better... promise! ☺

The next few days were agony as John tried not to wonder where the  _ Normandy _ was, what Jane and Kaidan were doing. He threw himself into his work like never before, refusing to go home, choosing, instead, to spend his nights in the doctor’s lounge at the hospital. Valerie, his assistant, brought him coffee and a loaded bagel every morning, and always looked at him with eyes filled with a pity that John detested. 

 

His apartment was too empty with reminders of Kaidan on every surface. His last cup of coffee that he’d forgotten to add to the dishwasher sitting beside the sink. His extra toothbrush in the cup next to John’s. Jeans and shirts and sweaters all lined up, color coordinated, in the closet next to John’s things. No. He couldn’t go back. Instead, he relied on the supplies he’d always kept in his office, wearing only scrubs laundered by the hospital. 

 

More and more wounded arrived by the minute, and all of the staff at Huerta Memorial were running ragged, snatching sleep whenever they could manage it. Most of the patients John saw were already beyond hope when they’d been brought in. It was demoralizing. All throughout his career, his focus had been on helping people,  _ saving _ them. It had never been about money or prestige. John had only ever wanted to make a difference. Seeing so many patients carried out in body bags made him angry, and yet that fury was a welcome counterpoint to the consuming grief he’d been feeling ever since Kaidan had left. 

 

So John accepted it, used it to help him cope. 

 

The days and nights bled into one another till John could hardly tell where one ended and another began. His life became a tedium of round the clock work interspersed with cat naps, lightning fast showers in the locker room, and cold food washed down with scalding, bitter coffee.

 

It was the end of everything John had ever known. Any amount of innocence he might still have possessed after years as a trauma surgeon was obliterated over the span of a few weeks when sentient beings were brought before him, bodies so mangled they had no chance of making a full recovery - if they even survived the night. 

 

Everything felt pointless. 

 

Years of training to become a doctor. More years performing life-saving surgeries on countless patients. The life he’d built for himself - comfortable home, small circle of friends, a healthy relationship with a kind, loving, generous man. All of it felt so empty, so futile when faced withthis sort of evil. He wondered why the galaxy had bothered to fight back at all. 

 

At the rate people were dying, he wondered if there would be anyone leftover to rebuild life when the war ended.  _ If  _ the war ended. 

 

Everything was so fucking bleak. 

 

After thirty-six hours of being awake, nothing made sense anymore, and John felt completely and utterly useless. He wondered for the millionth time about Kaidan and Jane. Were they alive? Had they made  _ any _ progress in stopping the damned Reapers? 

 

“How’re you holding up, Doc?” Valerie always sounded so upbeat and positive, no matter what life was throwing at them. The last few weeks had seen some of the most grueling hours John had ever worked in his life, but Valerie was always there with a smile and usually a cup of coffee or some sort of food to keep him going. 

 

“Peachy,” he muttered from where he sat slumped at his desk, eyes filled with grit from lack of sleep, head heavy, body lethargic.  

 

“Yeah, you look it, too,” she said with a snort. “Go home, Doc. Get a shower. Eat some real food. Sleep in your own damn bed. It’ll do wonders for your outlook.” 

 

John opened his mouth to protest, but Valerie held up a hand to stop him and simply pointed toward the door. He couldn’t help but laugh. “Alright,” he conceded. 

 

“Oh, and you might want to take a razor to your face. You’ve passed by ruggedly handsome into homeless drifter territory.” 

 

He huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Val.”

 

Val was right, of course. He missed his friends and family. Missed his apartment and his comfortable bed. He missed Kaidan with a ferocity that made him tremble. As he staggered toward the employee entrance, John realized that he was nearing his breaking point. Regardless of how many patients there were to see about, he needed a break. 

 

On his way out, he texted Dr. Michel, “Headed home for a bit.” He ignored the answering ping not caring if she agreed or not. What was she going to do, fire him? He couldn’t function anymore. A shower, a hot meal, and a few hours of sleep somewhere comfortable and familiar were the only things he allowed his weary brain to contemplate. And for the first time in weeks, he longed to be where Kaidan had last been. To smell his scent in the sheets and pillows of their bed. To deal with that errant coffee cup. To see their things lined up, side-by-side, in the closet. 

 

He wanted to go home.

 

Sweet relief hit him like a tidal wave the minute he stepped into his apartment. The noise of the street was silenced, and he realized that the constant clamor had slowly been driving him insane. The coffee pot was still half full of weeks-old coffee, so his first act was to dump it out and start a fresh pot before climbing the stairs to the master bathroom. 

 

Everything was exactly as he and Kaidan had left it that final morning other than a fine layer of dust and a bit of a musty smell. John shucked out of his filthy scrubs and threw them in the trash before hitting the shower controls. He took his time washing with the soap that Kaidan had left behind, scouring away days worth of stink and grime, reveling in the scent of the man he loved. Afterward, he pulled on a pair of Kaidan’s sweats and one of his t-shirts. They were slightly large on him, but he didn’t care. They smelled like Kaidan and that was all that mattered. 

 

Back downstairs, he poured a fresh cup of coffee then began searching the cupboards for something to eat, thankful that Kaidan was better at stocking a kitchen than he’d ever been. He was able to make a quick dinner of boxed pasta and jarred pesto sauce. It was filling and better tasting than anything he’d gotten at the hospital recently. Clean and warm and belly full for the first time in who knew when, he crawled under his covers, pulled Kaidan’s pillow close to his chest, and drifted off to sleep. 

 

***

 

The thing about war was that it waited for no one. Dinner time? Nap time? The middle of the night cycle after having worked for twenty-three straight hours? None of that mattered. When the war decided to come for you, it did. 

 

John had completely forgotten those scant hours spent at home, getting clean and rested for the first time in weeks. He’d returned to the hospital feeling refreshed only to be bombarded with a fresh wave of wounded individuals. Everything was a blur of blood and body parts, at this point. Hopeless cases laid out before him, their friends and family, his staff, all demanding a damned miracle. One that he was incapable of providing. 

 

As he pulled the sheet over the face of his latest failure, Valerie gripped him by the elbow and pulled him toward the sink. “Wash up, eat something, and sit down for five fucking minutes,” she said in her bossy, mom voice. He’d noticed years ago that that tone got her anything she wanted from her boyfriend. John was almost ashamed to admit it always worked on him, too. 

 

“Yes, ma’am,” he said as he stripped off his blood-soaked gown and staggered toward the sink. He’d just hit the foot pedal for the hot water when the lights went out, emergency lighting taking longer than usual to kick in. In moments, everything was washed in the eerie red of the backup lights. “Fuck,” he muttered, scrubbing off the best he could, splashing some water on his face. 

 

Before he could reach for the towel Valerie was offering him, he felt the subtle shift of the floor. It was that sudden-but-brief feeling of intense vertigo one always got when making an FTL or Relay jump in a ship. “We’re moving,” he said, meeting Valerie’s eyes through the dim light. 

 

“I think you’re right.” 

 

John didn’t miss the hint of fear in her voice, but her eyes held a fire of determination that he’d seen often enough. Mentally, he raced through the list of emergency protocols. While he had no idea why the station was moving, he felt in his gut that it meant trouble for the station’s residents. And though his dad had given him some shockingly thorough combat training as a teen, his priority was dealing with the medical emergencies that this scenario would create. “Let’s get to my office,” he said, grabbing Valerie by the arm. 

 

Both their omnitools lit up with emergency instructions while at the same time alarms went off and the comm system began blaring a warning that the Citadel had been boarded by Reaper troops. 

 

“Shit,” Valerie gasped, stopping in the middle of the hallway.

 

“Come on!” John barked, grabbing her arm again and forcing her toward his office. 

 

Inside, Valerie slumped against the wall and burst into tears. “God, this is it, isn’t it? This is the end.”

 

“I don’t know,” John told her. “I honestly have no fucking clue, but I do know that we’ve got to keep a level head. Panicking is the quickest way to end up dead, and we have to focus on helping our patients.” 

 

Once he was convinced she wasn’t going to break down further, John left her alone to call her boyfriend while he dug supplies out of a safe he’d installed under his desk after the Cerberus coup. Between his two military parents and his infamous sister, John had enough weapons and medical supplies to equip a small militia. He began pulling out handguns, thermal clips, and packages of medigel and dividing them into two neat piles. 

 

“What the hell?” Valerie asked him when she finished her call. 

 

“How’s Kent?” John asked, ignoring her question for the moment.

 

“Safe. For now.” 

 

“Good. You know how to shoot a gun?” 

 

“Sort of?” 

 

“Think you can hit the bad guys?” 

 

“If it comes down to me or them? Fuck yes!” 

 

“Good. Here.” He passed her a standard issue pistol, belt, and holster. “Try to keep it hidden by your top,” he instructed. “And don’t use it unless your life is in danger, understood?” 

 

“Sir, yes, sir,” she said, coming to attention and giving him a mocking salute. 

 

“At least you still have your smartass sense of humor. Alright, according to Dr. Michel, the stable patients are being moved into the keeper tunnels to make room for more. Triage units are being set up outside the hospital. That’s where you’re going.” He paused to grab her by the shoulders. “These supplies are for  _ you. _ Weapon, extra ammo, medigel, military rations. Don’t use them unless you have to, and don’t fucking share. If you have to shoot, make sure it counts. Got it?” 

 

“Dr… John,” she said, voice tight with emotion. 

 

“Come here.” John pulled her into a hug, feeling as though he was saying goodbye to his sister all over again. Her tears soaked through his shirt, his fell into her hair. “You’ve been a good friend to me, Val,” he whispered. 

 

“So have you.” 

 

“Take care of yourself,” he said, squeezing her tight one last time before she slipped out the door. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm sounding redundant here, but... tissues again. But not for the reasons you think! ;)

“Here you go,” John said, passing a piece of candy to the boy on the table. “Thanks for being so brave while I stitched that up.” 

 

The child turned huge brown eyes on him, glassy with unshed tears, then sniffled, “Yes, sir.” 

 

John laughed and ruffled his sandy hair then scribbled some notes onto a piece of paper. “Just keep it clean,” he said passing the note to the child’s mother. “He was given an injection of antibiotics and a tetanus shot, so that should keep it from getting infected.” 

 

The mother nodded with the same vacant eyes he’d seen too many times to count over the last couple of years. People living in primitive conditions, struggling to survive in the harsh, new landscape. 

 

The Reapers had done a number on Earth. The atmosphere was nearly destroyed and filled with enough ash and dust - even two years after the Reapers’ destruction - to send the planet into a mini ice age. Supposedly, the salarians had designed some atmospheric processors that were cleaning the air. Already fresh food was being produced again along the equator in the warmer climates that were slowly recovering. And not a minute too soon. Food shortages had caused a crisis all over the planet.

 

It could take up to a decade for things to settle into some semblance of normal, though. Even with the advanced technology speeding things along. Kids like Mason would be grown by then, never knowing what it was like to live without the shadows of war. Never remembering a time of plenty, of freedom. Never knowing what it had felt like to be safe and naive of the real dangers lurking around the corner. 

 

No wonder their mothers always looked so beaten down. 

 

John sighed and patted the mother’s shoulder. He was supposed to reserve the fresh food vouchers for extreme cases of malnourishment and vitamin deficiency, but how could he be expected to see these desolate families day in and day out and not do something for them. He quickly scribbled out a voucher that would entitle the family to priority access of the next food shipment that came in. 

 

The woman looked up at him with wide, startled eyes. John put a finger to his lips and winked before turning his attention back to Mason. “Alright, young man.” God, he sounded old. “You be careful out there. No more cuts in need of stitches, you hear?” 

 

“Yes, sir,” the kid told him again - stoic, somber. 

 

Fuck, he hated what the world had become. 

 

“Thank you, Dr. Shepard,” the woman said, tears brimming in her eyes as she clutched his hand and squeezed it too hard. “You don’t know what this will mean for my family.” She looked down at the floor, almost ashamed. “I’m pregnant again,” she whispered. 

 

Jesus. Such a world that good news like this should be met with fear and disappointment. “Congratulations, Mrs. Hammond,” he said sincerely. 

 

The woman’s snort was derisive. “I’ve already got three mouths to feed, plus a husband who can’t work.” 

 

“Well, at least he’s not completely useless,” John said with a wink, chuckling when Mrs. Hammond blushed. “Mason,” he said to the child, “head out front and talk to my assistant, Valerie. I heard she had some coloring books and crayons. Why don’t you see if you can get a few for you and your sisters? I want to talk to your mom for a minute.” 

 

He and Valerie had found each other after the worst of the fighting had ended. In those last few hours on the Citadel, John had been convinced that he would meet his end, but miraculously the  _ Normandy _ had come through with the largest armada in the history of the galaxy. Somehow they’d defeated the Reapers, though the cost had been high. 

 

Trillions were dead all over the galaxy, including his parents, his friend and neighbor, Mr. Osaka. So many of them had died during the final battle, but so many more were unaccounted for - killed by Cerberus or turned into Reaper troops. John could never think about that. It was too painful. His parents were gone. His friend was gone. He had to believe they’d gone out fighting and suffered as little as possible. 

 

The  _ Normandy _ had been lost, too, disappearing off the map during the last battle. And that meant Kaidan was gone as well.

 

For months John had held out hope that the ship was merely stranded somewhere and would return, but that hope had slowly crumbled to ash as time had marched on and reality kept him grounded. Memories of Kaidan and their brief time together were all he had left, but thoughts of the man seemed to pop up every other second or so. Even after two years he still hadn’t forgotten, hadn’t shaken away that particular ghost. Sometimes at night he’d let himself get lost in the fantasy of amber eyes and soft lips, of strong arms and coarse stubble. More often than not, he spared a wistful sign for the man he’d loved then locked the memories away for another time. 

 

At least he still had Janie. 

 

And he was doing his part to help people. After the first six months physicians were in more demand than surgeons, so John stepped in to do what he could. Several of the doctors that had been centered in the hospital in London proper had divided up the little towns and communities that kept cropping up, creating a circuit of clinics to visit. John had a different clinic every day, and his weekends were mostly spent in the hospital dealing with inevitable emergencies.

 

He found that as much as he’d loved performing surgeries, he enjoyed being a general practitioner much more. Seeing kids like Mason and families like the Hammonds get the help they needed gave him a sense of accomplishment, something to focus on. He wanted to do whatever he could to better their lives. 

 

He examined Mrs. Hammond and gave her vouchers for vitamins and more rations then sent her on her way. Valerie was closing up the clinic when he finally left his office in the back. “Tomorrow we’re headed to the clinic in Gravesend,” he told her, taking the charts from the day to the filing cabinet. “The nurses will take over this clinic for the rest of the week.”

 

“You’re going to work yourself absolutely to death,” Valerie said, shaking her head at him in disapproval. “You’re not the only doctor in London you know.” 

 

“I’m one of a damned few,” he said, ignoring her disapproving glare. “Besides, everyone is working themselves to death these days. I wonder if we’ll ever get to take another vacation again.” 

 

“Travel restrictions are getting looser,” Val insisted. “I don’t know when the hell you became such a damned pessimist, but things are improving. Life isn’t as bleak as you make it out to be.” 

 

John turned in time to see her mouth curve into an unnerving grin. 

 

“Speaking of-”

 

“Oh no you don’t! I know that look. I’m not going out with some stockboy you met at the quartermaster over in Dartford.” 

 

Valerie opened her mouth, but he cut her off again. 

 

“Or a lab tech in Bromley. Or an engineer in London proper, or any of the other number of men you’ve tried to foist on me in the last few months.” He slammed the file cabinet closed to punctuate the finality of his declaration. 

 

“He’s a nurse in Romford,” Valerie said with a pout. 

 

“Him either,” John sighed. “Come on, Val. I’m… I’m not ready. I love K… I loved Kaidan, I’m… It’s still too soon. Besides, I don’t see you jumping back in the saddle either,” he told her gently. 

 

Kent, Valerie’s boyfriend of five years, had been one of the casualties on the Citadel. He knew her heart was in the right place, but he wasn’t ready to start dating again any more than she was. 

 

Valerie nodded then threw her hands up in frustration. “Forgive me for wanting to see my friend happy,” she said. 

 

“You just want me to start dating again so I’ll quit working you so hard,” he teased. 

 

“You got me,” she said, though there was little humor in her voice. “John-” 

 

“Don’t,” he said. “You’re as bad as Janie.” 

 

“We’re worried about you,” Valerie told him with a shrug. “You’re not the same since…” 

 

“No one is the same,” he snapped, real anger rocketing through him. “Nothing is the fucking same, Val!” He sighed, the fight draining out of him as quickly as it had surfaced. “Come on. I don’t want to fight with you. Can we just drop this for now?” 

 

Valerie held his gaze with her own pale green eyes for several heartbeats. She seemed to be assessing him. Finally, she nodded once then turned off her terminal and grabbed her coat and bag. 

 

Frail sunlight spilled over the tumbledown village on the outskirts of London, but it did next to nothing for the chill in the air. Mud from the afternoon’s rainshower clung to their boots as they waded through the crude constructs and lean-tos that comprised the little town - every one of them looking pretty much the same. John yawned, thinking of the shower that awaited him, his nice warm bed. 

 

“So what are you going to do tonight?” 

 

“Go home, eat dinner, shower, jerk off, and go to bed,” he said, ticking the items off on his fingers one by one. 

 

“Gross!” 

 

“You asked.” John held the door for her at the transport terminal. 

 

“You’re not going to ask what I’m doing tonight?” she asked as they took their usual seats on the shuttle. 

 

“I don’t need to know what you and your vibrator get up to when I’m not around,” John said, crossing his hands on top of his chest and leaning his head back against the seat. Valerie’s huff brought a smile to his lips. It was so much fun to tease her. Before she could come back with a smart ass retort, his omnitool chimed an incoming call. God, he hoped it wasn’t an emergency surgery. He was so damned tired. 

 

“Yeah,” he said by way of greeting. 

 

“John?” Janie’s breathy voice came through the speaker. 

 

“Yeah,” he repeated. 

 

“Are you on your way home?” 

 

“Yes, Jane. Is something wrong?” He let his exasperation bleed into the words. 

 

“Nothing’s wrong, I just… You need to get to Alliance HQ… ASAP!” 

 

“What?” 

 

“Alliance HQ, John. Now!” 

 

“I’m not one of your fucking soldiers that you can bark orders at-”

 

“What’s your shuttle number?” 

 

“Jane-”

 

“India-three-three-five,” Valerie interjected. 

 

John scowled at her when his sister disconnected the call, and moments later he felt the subtle shift as the shuttle changed directions. “Fucking hell,” he muttered, dragging a hand down his face. “She can’t reroute an entire transport ship just because she wants me to do what she says.” 

 

Beside him, Valerie laughed. “She’s Commander-fucking-Shepard. She can do any goddamned thing she pleases.” 

 

***

 

There was a twitter of excitement in the air when they arrived at the Alliance shuttle pad. The rest of the transport occupants didn’t seem the least bit put out that their shuttle had been rerouted when they discovered that Commander Shepard needed something the shuttle could provide. 

 

When his fellow passengers had realized that  _ something _ was John, they’d all bum rushed him, congratulating him on managing to have such an infamous and heroic sibling, bombarding him with questions. It had taken Valerie distracting them by yelling, “Look! I think I see Commander Shepard,” then running the other way for John to slip through the crowd and into the building. 

 

Janie was waiting for him, pacing the floor and chewing her bottom lip. He hadn’t seen her this antsy since they’d been teenagers and she was wondering if some boy she had a crush on was going to be at the Officer’s Ball. 

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly as soon as he was at her side. All around them, people rushed around as if they were preparing for war. John’s heart sank. Surely there couldn’t be another enemy on the horizon. The sentient beings of the Milky Way couldn’t recover from another attack so soon after the Reaper War. 

 

His thoughts immediately went to his patients. To Mason Hammond, the little boy he’d stitched up in the clinic that afternoon. To the boy’s mother, who was pregnant with her fourth child and already struggling to care for the ones she had. To Mr. Hammond, a soldier injured in the war, bearing scars both mental and physical. 

 

People weren’t ready to face another threat. He wasn’t sure they ever would be. 

 

“Something’s happening,” she said cryptically. “Come with me.” 

 

Jane grabbed his elbow and all but dragged him through the building where people bustled to and fro. As they neared the ship docks, the buzz of excitement grew, and then he heard it. 

 

_ “Normandy.” _

 

For the first time in more than a year, the word was said with hope instead of sadness or regret, and John’s feet began to move faster. Soon, he and Jane were all but running toward the docking area, the crowd parting for them like water. It was surreal, and try as he might, John couldn’t help the hope that sprang up in his heart. 

 

_ God, please don’t let them be wrong.  _

 

They rushed out the doors onto the waiting platforms, the crowd surging out behind them, just as a sleek strip of silver broke through the clouds. Janie gave a strangled cry from beside him, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. John’s arm instinctively went around her, pulling her to him, protecting her from the world as he’d always tried to do. As they’d always done for each other. 

 

“Johnny,” she whispered. “It’s them. It’s really them.” 

 

John kept a tight lid on the excitement bubbling up in his heart. He couldn’t stand to let himself believe only to be let down. 

 

It seemed to take hours for the ship to finally land, but once it was docked, John could only stare. Jane left his side then, staggering a few steps until she could regain her composure, pulling that military mask into place and standing tall, shoulders square, chin proud, to greet her crew. 

 

He watched and waited as one by one the crew members exited the ship - Joker, Tali, Liara. Each one saluting Janie before she sobbed and pulled them into a tight hug. More crewmen, more hugs and tears. John was glad they’d all made it back, relatively unscathed, but his heart sank with every person that stepped off the famed ship that wasn’t the one man he wanted to see. 

 

He saw the turian step off and Janie race into his arms, throwing hers around his neck as he scooped her off the ground. One pain in his heart eased as another tightened. He was happy for his twin. Of course he was. But… 

 

It seemed there was always a but.

 

More crewmen filed out. People he’d never met; people he’d drank with, laughed with - Cortez, Vega, Javik. All the crew were accounted for except for one. John didn’t have the heart to stand there waiting like an idiot for a ghost who was never coming back. He sighed, thinking he’d slip quietly away, let Janie have her moment. He could come back tomorrow to welcome the crew home. No doubt they were all tired, and they would need to be debriefed on their whereabouts for the last two years. 

 

As he turned to go, movement caught his eye. He stared at the figure that stepped off the ship’s gangplank. He was thinner than John remembered, gaunt, almost. Darkness ringed his eyes, and he sported a full, shaggy beard, that John honestly kind of adored. But there was no mistaking who he was looking at. 

 

Kaidan locked eyes with him, lips quirking up into a half-grin before he turned to face Janie and salute her. He watched with no small amount of jealousy as his sister got to hug Kaidan first, but then she gave him a none-too-gentle shove in John’s direction. For the first time in two, fucking years, John heard Kaidan’s laugh, saw his smile.

 

His feet began to move of their own volition, his face splitting into a wide grin. Kaidan returned the expression as he swiftly closed the distance between them. John collided with the man, nearly collapsing into his arms. Despite the apparent weight loss, Kaidan’s embrace was as fierce as ever. 

 

“Oh god,” John choked, burying his face in Kaidan’s neck, inhaling the clean scent of the man he loved, the man he’d missed every second of every single day for the last two years. John laughed, just a puff of air against Kaidan’s skin, and when he lifted his head, there were tears in both their eyes. “Kaidan,” he sighed, at peace for the first time in two years. 

 

Cupping Kaidan’s cheeks, John thumbed the tears away and brought their lips together, warm and sweet. He felt the dam burst in his heart - two years of sorrow and sadness, two years of loneliness and longing. All of it melted away as he tasted Kaidan’s mouth. The crowd around them faded till all that remained were Kaidan’s lips on his, Kaidan’s tongue in his mouth, Kaidan’s arms around him - Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan. 

 

The need for oxygen and decorum slowly pulled them apart, and John kept a firm grip on the man’s face as he rested their foreheads together, exhaling shakily. 

 

“I’m home, John,” Kaidan whispered, soft and gentle. 

 

John pulled him close, holding as tightly as he dared, and murmured, “It’s about fucking time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never fear! There's an epilogue coming. Should be ready next week, but may be a day or two late. Thanks for sticking this out!! ♥


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally the epilogue! Warning: This chapter is extremely self-indulgent, full of fluff and gratuitous smut! 
> 
> Sorry it's a week late, but I was helping my mother move. She sold our old homestead where she'd lived since a month before I was born. It was a bittersweet time, but she's happy, so I am too. Thank you for your patience!
> 
> And thank you for all the sweet comments and kudos on this story! It took me forever to get it finished, but I'm happy with the outcome. Now, go! Enjoy the fluff fest! ♥

**_**5 Years Later**_ **

 

“I’m home!”

 

Kaidan stepped off the ladder where he’d been repainting his childhood bedroom, grimacing at the paint that had dried to his fingers. He looked a sight, but he hoped John would be pleased. Since their move to Vancouver a year ago, they’d been spending more and more time out at the orchard. So much that they were seriously contemplating making a permanent move. His mother wasn’t in poor health, but she seemed genuinely happier when they were around. Kaidan thought their presence helped her cope with the loss of his father in the war. The entire galaxy was still bearing the scars of loss and heartache even seven years later. 

 

Living at the orchard had its drawbacks, for sure. Kaidan would have to commute to Vancouver several times a week, though there were some things he could accomplish via vid call. And he liked the idea of John looking after his mom while he was away on his infrequent trips off planet. 

 

The relays had only just been repaired in the last few months, and intragalactic travel had barely resumed. It would be years, he thought, before people were as adventurous as they'd once been. And while he’d retained his Spectre status and suspected that he’d be called back into service once travel built back up, his primary job, for now, was training new Alliance recruits. Luckily, he had enough clout with the brass that he could pretty much set his own hours, and he took advantage of that as often as his conscience would allow. 

 

Most of their free time was spent here, helping his mother return the orchard to its former glory. The only thing left standing in the wake of the Reapers had been the centuries-old farmhouse that his father had grown up in. They’d had to purchase and plant all new trees, rebuild the barns and stables, and do some renovations on the house. The projects had kept them plenty busy, but neither of them complained. They both loved feeling useful and doing things with their hands. The majority of John’s life, he’d lived on ships or space stations. It was amusing and a bit awe-inspiring watching him experience many firsts that earthborn denizens took for granted.  

 

“Hang on,” Kaidan called to his husband before ducking into the bathroom to wash his hands. His mother was gone to Vancouver for the night to visit a friend, and now that John was back, Kaidan had every intention of taking full advantage. 

 

He washed up quickly and bounded down the stairs, intent on attacking John and ravishing him right there on the spot. When he rounded the corner into the living room, his steps were drawn up short, however. There in the center of the rug lay his husband, gleefully playing with the biggest puppy Kaidan had ever seen. 

 

“John?” 

 

Striking blue eyes peered up from the floor; his grin going impossibly wider. “Hey! Look what I got!” 

 

Kaidan sighed. “I thought we agreed no more puppies.” 

 

“This is a farm, Kaidan. Farms need dogs,” John said dismissively. “Besides… look at his face. I just couldn’t resist.” 

 

He then flashed an expression that Kaidan could never resist, and he knew it was futile to try. “What kind is he?” 

 

“English Mastiff. He’s gonna be enormous.” 

 

“To go along with the other two we already have… who’re going to be enormous.” 

 

“There’s plenty of space for them, K. You’re not angry are you?” 

 

Kaidan seated himself on the rug beside John, stole a quick kiss from his husband, and reached out scritch the pup behind the ears. “I’m not mad. Where’d you find him?” 

 

“Well, I went to talk to the doctor in town to see if he needed any help. Funnily enough, he’s getting ready to retire. Said he’d love someone to come in and take over the practice.” 

 

“Really?” 

 

“Really. I told him we weren’t exactly settled here yet. He told me I could start whenever. Said it would be a great thing for the community to have a doctor of my caliber. I think he was just trying to flatter me.” 

 

Kaidan laughed. “And how does the puppy factor into all this?” 

 

“Oh, well, there was a little girl there showing off pictures of these puppies she was trying to get rid of. She was circling the waiting room, giving everyone The Eyes, and she got to me before I could make a break for it.” 

 

“Such a softie.,” he said with a fond smile. 

 

John shrugged and tossed a little ball for the puppy, who promptly bounced after it and brought it back. The man had brought home four puppies in the last three months. Kaidan had thought his mother would be upset, but so far, she’d loved each and every one of them. And John wasn’t entirely wrong. If they were going to have livestock, it would be good to have a few dogs to help out and keep predators at bay. 

 

John’s sister, Jane, had kept a tank full of fish and a little hamster in her cabin aboard the  _ Normandy, _ but John had never had any pets. Kaidan couldn’t begrudge him the experience, and he found himself just as fond of each dog as John was. First came a Bernese Mountain dog dubbed Maverick, then the gray and brown Great Dane called Gunner, and finally a tan Cocker Spaniel his mother insisted on naming Fifi - much to John’s dismay. She claimed the girls needed to stick together to keep from being drowned in testosterone. Kaidan was glad his mother and the dog had hit it off so well. They were nigh inseparable now. He even suspected her of letting the little dog sleep in her bed. 

 

“Well it sounds like you had a productive trip into town,” he teased. “What are we going to name him?” 

 

“Bruiser.” 

 

Kaidan laughed and kissed him again. “Bruiser it is then.” 

 

John grinned, almost boyish, and hopped off the floor, scooping the puppy in his arms as he stood. “Let’s go introduce him to Mav and Gunner.” Grabbing Kaidan’s hand, John dragged him quickly out the door and they headed toward the newly constructed barn where two of the dogs liked to play. Fifi had gone on the overnighter with “Grandma.” 

 

As soon as John stepped into the barn, the other two dogs sprang up, tails wagging. Kaidan leaned against the wall and watched his husband. John’s caring heart was in its element surrounded by the excited puppies, and he had the thought that John would make an excellent father some day. He locked it away to ponder later. They had talked about adoption a few times, but neither of them seemed quite ready to take the plunge. If and when Kaidan was called upon for off-planet missions, it would make raising a family difficult. For now, he thought it best to enjoy what they were building together here at the orchard. If their family was comprised mostly of fluffy, four-legged babies, for the time being, he could live with that. 

 

“Did you get groceries?” he asked, suddenly remembering the reason John had gone to town in the first place. Kaidan suspected he might have just been dodging painting duty when he’d quickly volunteered to run errands in town, but he had no proof. 

 

“Oh yeah. They’re still in the rover. I forgot all about them. I was so anxious to introduce you to this little guy.” He nuzzled the puppy against his cheek, an affectionate smile gracing his lips. 

 

Kaidan laughed. “Alright, well, have fun. I’ll go get the things and put them away.” 

 

John all but ignored him as he made his way first to the rover and then to the kitchen to begin unpacking the groceries. He’d just finished putting the last of the food into the refrigerator when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist from behind, John’s chin resting on his shoulder. 

 

“You’re sure you’re not mad?” he asked.    
  


“Positive. Where’d you leave the newest pack member?” 

 

“In the barn. They all wrestled themselves to sleep. I left them closed up in the stall. Figure they can’t get into too much mischief that way.”

 

Kaidan turned around and pressed his lips to John’s. “We can go get them after we make some mischief of our own, maybe.” 

 

“We do seem to find ourselves all alone in the house for once. We should probably take advantage of that.” 

 

John pushed Kaidan gently against the counter as their mouths met in a soft kiss. The two years they’d spent apart had been torture for them both, and Kaidan could always sense John’s awe whenever they kissed or touched. He hadn’t expected Kaidan to come back. A sting of pain always followed that realization. 

 

For the two years that the Normandy had been stranded, Kaidan and the crew had worked tirelessly, trying to restore the ship’s systems without the aid of EDI, who’d been not only an integral part of the ship’s design but an invaluable crew member in her own right. They’d also struggled to find ways to survive on the planet. The rainforest climate had provided them with food but had also created other unique challenges. The plant and animal life were both aggressive and often toxic to the sentient life aboard the ship. 

 

During all that time, Kaidan had held tenaciously to the hope that John had survived - that they’d get their happily ever after when all was said and done. John hadn’t been able to hold out such hopes. As the galaxy gave up on the Normandy ever returning, John had focused on his work to distract him; he’d relied on his twin and his dear friend, Valerie for his only means of emotional support. And while Kaidan was glad that John had never had the heart to try to move on without him, he still ached for the pain and grief that John had suffered in his absence. That ache helped him to forget his own misery at having been separated from the man he loved. 

 

Needless to say, it had been a trying time for them both, which made their reunion, and every moment together since, that much sweeter. 

 

John pulled away and closed his eyes, resting his forehead against Kaidan’s. A serene smile played upon his lips and Kaidan kissed him again. “I can’t get enough of you,” he whispered against John’s mouth. 

 

John’s smile turned mischievous as he slid his hands down Kaidan’s arms until he could thread their fingers together. He led Kaidan to the couch, then pushed him down with a playful shove. “The first time we were together was on the couch. Do you remember?” 

 

Kaidan laughed, gripping John by the belt to tug him down on top of him. “How could I forget? You were so damned hot.”

 

“Me?” John chuckled as he situated himself between Kaidan’s legs. “I couldn’t keep my damned hands off you.” 

 

Blue eyes sparkled down at him with an intensity that made his heart flutter. They’d known each other for so long, been married longer than they hadn’t, but Kaidan loved John more now than ever before. His love for John seemed to grow by the day. “I knew you were the one for me that night,” he whispered before pressing his lips to John’s. 

 

John whimpered a bit at the confession, though he’d heard it a thousand times before. “Kaidan,” he breathed, moving his lips over Kaidan’s stubbled jaw, down his throat. He pulled Kaidan’s shirt to the side, granting him access to a smooth collarbone, where he set about nibbling and licking until Kaidan could barely think straight. 

 

He slid his hands beneath John’s shirt, gliding his fingers over the silky softness of John’s skin before pulling the shirt up. John wriggled out of the garment before returning the favor, and Kaidan grinned at his husband’s sigh of relief when they were lying together, skin to skin. Warm lips met his throat again, and he tilted his head back, silently begging for more. John nipped at sucked until Kaidan knew there would be a bruise. 

 

John lifted his head with a self-satisfied smirk at the mark he’d left, then turned his glassy blue eyes on Kaidan. “Can I top tonight?” 

 

“Whatever you want, babe. You know that.” 

 

A spark of childlike glee danced in John’s eyes as he began to move from his place on top of Kaidan to go in search of lubricant. Kaidan stopped him quickly and reached beneath the couch to produce the tube he’d stashed earlier in anticipation of this moment. 

 

“Thinking ahead,” John quipped. “I like it.” 

 

“I just happen to be well acquainted with your fondness for couch sex.” 

 

John snorted then bent his head to lick a nipple. Kaidan hissed and arched off the sofa. “You’re pretty fond of it yourself if I remember correctly.” He continued plying kisses to Kaidan’s chest and stomach then gently popped the button on his jeans. 

 

A resonant groan rumbled out of Kaidan’s chest as John’s tongue dipped below his waistband, skimming the tip of his already erect cock. John shivered and slowly undid the zipper. “Commando?” John asked, sounding pained. 

 

Kaidan laughed as his lover stared down at his now-exposed dick. “I know how fond you are of that, too.” 

 

Reverently, John kissed Kaidan’s stiff length, letting his lips, his breath, the tip of his tongue ghost over the velvet flesh. “Kaidan,” he moaned, inhaling and exhaling deeply. “You have no idea what you do to me.” 

 

The couch shifted as John reached down to undo his own trousers, and he groaned in relief when his erection was free. Kaidan pushed John’s pants down over his ass to his thighs, and with a little growl, John stood up and whisked the jeans off. “Get naked,” he hissed at Kaidan. 

 

With another laugh, Kaidan obliged him, and a moment later, John was on top of him once more. He joined their lips and dipped his tongue inside Kaidan’s mouth as he reached between them, taking both their cocks in his slender fingers. Kaidan couldn’t resist thrusting into the tight heat of John’s fist. They moaned together, hips working in synchronized rhythm. 

 

“Thought you wanted to be inside me,” Kaidan gasped feeling his body spiraling already. 

 

“Unngh, god,” John groaned. Wordlessly, he reached for the lube that had fallen back to the floor. Kaidan cried out in frustration when John let go of him, but John was there with soothing lips, and a moment later, he felt cool, slick fingers against his hole. 

 

He rubbed light circles around the tight muscles, coaxing them to relax. Kaidan adored how attentive his partner was, how gentle yet earnest he could be. John distracted him with soft kisses and little nibbles and licks to his lips, neck, and earlobes. Kaidan’s body quivered in anticipation before John slipped one, long finger inside of him, and while John was always a thoughtful lover, he was also exceedingly thorough. 

 

John pressed deeply into their kiss as his finger unerringly sought out Kaidan’s prostate and rubbed. Kaidan groaned and bucked, writhing under John’s careful and precise ministrations. The man had a knack for prolonging pleasure; that was for damned sure. When he finally relented, it was only to add another finger and to move his mouth to Kaidan’s nipple where he teased and sucked as his fingers slid in and out in a steady glide. 

 

“I’m ready,” Kaidan said, a note of pleading in his voice. “Come on, baby. Don’t make me wait.” 

 

“I love you like this,” John leaned up to say. His lips were red and puffy, shiny and wet, and his eyes were a deep, vibrant blue, full of adoration. 

 

“Make love to me,” Kaidan whispered, and John shifted enough to coat himself with lube before sliding easily into Kaidan’s loosened hole. 

 

They both stilled, savoring the feeling of being joined, never tiring of it, even after years together. John pressed a tender kiss to his lips then began to move. Kaidan’s fingers slid over the peaks and valleys of muscle on his husband’s back, feeling them coil and shift with every thrust of John’s body into his. 

 

Sweat gathered between them, running in tiny rivulets over hard muscle and taut flesh. Kaidan leaned up to sip a bead that trickled down John’s throat. He loved the sounds John made when they were like this - little whimpers, hums, and moans, the loveliest melody. 

 

John leaned on his elbows, tangled fingers into Kaidan’s hair, and held his face steady between his hands. Eyes locked, they watched one another, bodies rocking to a rhythm only they could feel. “I love you,” John whispered, swollen lips pressing gently to Kaidan’s. 

 

“I love you, too.” The only response Kaidan could ever offer, though he never felt it was an adequate statement for the depth of emotion he felt for this man. “I’m close.” 

 

John only nodded, eyes rolling back as his hips found a quicker pace. “Kaidan,” he panted, head dropping to Kaidan’s shoulder. John’s fingers sought his out, and they laced them together, knuckles turning white with the strength of their grip. 

 

The friction against his cock, trapped between their bellies, the warmth of their skin, the slickness of precome and their combined sweat was too much. Kaidan spilled, John’s name a reverent prayer on his lips. His mind went blank, washed clean by a tidal wave of bliss, and when he came back to himself a moment later, John was a boneless weight gasping for air on top of him. 

 

“Damn,” John whispered, then moaned as a tremor rippled through them both. “Just sleep here.” 

 

Kaidan laughed and pressed his lips against John’s sweaty forehead. “Bath,” he said, chuckling again at how they’d been reduced to monosyllables.  

 

John groaned out a protest but dutifully lifted himself up. He grabbed a t-shirt off the floor and swiped at the mess on his stomach before doing the same for Kaidan. “You go start the bath while I go check on the pups,” he said, tugging his jeans back on. He paused to press a quick kiss to Kaidan’s lips, piercing him with a smoldering glance and a suggestive grin before turning to leave. 

 

Kaidan watched him go out the front door in nothing but a pair of jeans. The sight of his naked back and bare feet sent a shiver racing through him. He peeled himself off the sofa and headed for the master bathroom - the only one with an actual tub. By the time John returned, the tub was full of hot water and sweet-smelling bubbles. He climbed in and watched as John quickly stripped off his jeans before stepping into the water. John settled between his legs, reclining back against his chest, and Kaidan wrapped his arms around his husband. 

 

Contentment washed over Kaidan as they sat, entwined together. The road to this contentment had been a bumpy one, paved with fear, worry, and doubt, but the reward for all those torturous seconds of pain was more beautiful than anything he could have dreamed. 

**Author's Note:**

> Huge shout out to my incredible beta (and friend) [estalfaed](http://estalfaed.tumblr.com)! If it hadn't been for you, I don't think I would have finished this at all. You're an amazing person and friend, and my life is better for having you in it! <3
> 
> Thanks to everyone who reads this! I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: [ellebeedarling](http://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com)
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


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